Today, I was babysitting a little girl. I let her play with a box of old Star Wars toys to keep her occupied while I quickly went to use the bathroom, and when I returned she was making the 15 or so figures have a massive orgy, sex sounds included. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend for what I thought would be a romantic horse-drawn carriage ride. We didn't expect the horse to die in the middle of it. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML
Today, my girlfriend of a week showed me her talent: shooting milk out of her vagina across the room. Goodbye dairy products. FML
Today, I invited a girl back to my house and she seemed cool. I then left to go to the toilet. When I came back, there was a giant wet patch on the rug. The girl then blamed it on my dog, whose picture is on the wall. My dog died last week. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML
Today, I was at the mall shoplifting when a girl who looked my age pointed to a shirt I had in my bag. "Stole that, huh?" she asked smiling. She looked pretty cool, so I nodded and asked if she stole the jeans she was wearing, which were from the same store. Turns out she didn't, she's the manager. FML
Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML
Today, the police came to my door and told me about a woman who called the cops on me because she said that I had been following her in my car. We were on the highway. FML
Today, my boyfriend wouldn't lick the whipped cream I had on my nipples because "That stuff is full of calories." FML
TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML
Today, my girlfriend got a tattoo of a Rainbow Dash over her pubic mound. Now whenever I go down on her, I'll be eye-to-eye with an adorable pony that shits rainbows. FML
Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my eight-year-old son. He broke his arm after jumping out through the second story window. He was too impatient to walk to the ice cream van pulling up outside. FML
Today, I got into an argument with my girlfriend over how many sides a triangle has. I actually ended up drawing her a diagram. FML
Today, I had my wisdom teeth taken out. I vaguely remember telling the doctor that I'm a virgin. Several times. FML
Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML
Today, my mom sold my Magic box at a garage sale because I "never use it." Locked inside it was my fake ID, a couple of hundred bucks, and a bag of weed. She can't remember who she sold it to. FML
Today, someone very close to me came out of the closet. Normally I would fully support them, had we not just gotten married. FML
Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML
Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML
Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair in a way that it looks like Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML
Today, our cat died. My five-year-old tried to flush him down the toilet. FML
Today, I saw a coin on the ground. As I bent over to pick it up, some dude came up from behind, grabbed my waist and humped me three times. He ran away before I could get a good look at his face. FML
Today, while on an escalator, instead of just telling me my underwear label was hanging out of my jeans, a woman behind me decided to tuck the label in herself. You should never have to feel a stranger's finger on your butt crack. FML
Today, I walked in on my sister masturbating with my curling iron. FML
Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time to meet my parents. They were having a heated argument because my mom had bought "the wrong toilet paper" and my dad was angry because "she should know that he has a sensitive anus." FML
Today, while working as a lifeguard, a kid took a dump in the pool. When I told everyone to clear the pool so we could clean it, another kid promptly stared at me, stood at the shallow end right where I was standing, pulled down his trunks, and peed on my feet. FML
Today, my wife uttered the soul-crushing words, "But we're married now, why would we have sex?" FML
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