Miss Algonac, United States 30 years-old Single
Today, I was on the train listening to my iPod on shuffle. The "Oompa Loompa" song came on, and slightly amused, I started humming it. It wasn't until I noticed that the man next to me was a midget that I understood the horrified looks I was getting. FML
Today, my boyfriend of two years accidentally admitted to me that he settled for me because he doesn't think he can do any better. FML
Today, our school chorus went to a senior citizens' home. An elderly lady died during my solo. FML
Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML
Today, I had to pick my grandma up because she was drunk, at church, at 9am. FML
Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML
Today, I discovered the hard way that all the scare stories I'd heard about rats getting into pipes and finding their way into your toilet are, in fact, true. FML
Today, I was masturbating, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a figure. It was my neighbor staring at me through the window with a total look of disgust. I moved in this weekend and hadn't yet introduced myself to her. FML
Today, things started to heat up in the bedroom. Not in a sexual way, though; the lamp caught fire. FML
Today, the mouse trap I set in my kitchen worked. I caught a snake. FML
Today, while walking to work, I swore I saw one of my old friends from college standing in the park across the street. I started shouting her name and waving my hands like a maniac to get her attention. It was a statue. FML
Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML
Today, I found out that my husband is the biological father of my baby sister. FML
Today, at work, my friend dared me to answer the next call on my phone by saying, "This is your local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it." I did it. The person on the phone was my boss. FML
Today, I found out through Instagram that the guy I'm dating has a wife and two kids. FML
Today, I woke up to a punch in the balls. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why period blood couldn't be saved and donated to the hospital for transplants. FML
Today, I got fired for saving my company upwards of $6,000. I'm as confused as you are. FML
Today, my daughter and her boyfriend excitedly told me that after months of trying they are finally pregnant and that I'm going to be a grandmother. This would be great news if they weren't 15. FML
Today, I heard of an inevitable world-wide bacon shortage on the news. FML
Today, I have so much ass acne that it hurts to sit. FML
Today, I found my fiancé is cheating on me. Our wedding is in 26 days and everything is already paid for. FML
Today, in history class, we were talking about Ancient Rome, and what childbirth would have been like back then. One girl asked in all seriousness why they didn't use ultrasound machines to see what sex their babies were. I have to deal with people like this on a daily basis. FML
Today, I had the pleasure of finding out how it feels to poop with 3 broken ribs. FML
Today, a guy professed his love for me in front of my friends. The guy is my first cousin. FML
Today, while at work, a Beatles song came on the radio. I jokingly said, "These guys are pretty good, are they new?" Everyone thought I was being serious, and now they're convinced I'm an idiot. FML
Today, I trimmed my ear hair, my nose hair, shaved my hobbit feet, and trimmed the little sprouts that give me a unibrow if left alone. I still can't grow a beard. FML
Today, my husband was arrested for having sex in public. FML
Today, my cat learned the hard way what the bathtub is for. While I was in it. FML
Today, my dog had her stomach pumped because she ate some cookies. The 100 cookies I made for a bake sale to be exact. FML
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