Mr North Carolina 32 years-old Single
Today, my younger brother, who still lives in our parents' basement and has never held a job in his life, announced that his girlfriend is pregnant with their third child. I'm a college graduate living on my own and I've never even had sex. FML
Today, I walked into a public restroom and, to my utter surprise, saw a lady squeezing blood out of used tampons. We made eye contact, she continued, and I ran out in horror. FML
Today, I gave a financial presentation to my entire firm. After it was over, somebody accidentally copied me on a group text that said, "Her zipper was open the whole time. If we're so successful, why is our CFO wearing a urine-stained store-brand K-Mart panties?" FML
Today, after ordering a custom $200 Valentine's Day gift box for my husband, he gave it away to a female coworker upon delivery because Valentine's Day isn't for guys. I hope she like the new Xbox one controller and all the gift cards as well. FML
Today, my son was finally born. He was the perfect weight, as healthy as can be, and has his father’s dark, chocolate complexion. At least I’m guessing so, since both my wife and I are white. FML
Today, my girlfriend went out on a date with someone else. We're in Spain on a trip together, but apparently we're all done and she's seeing this person for the time we are here. I still have 10 more days. FML
Today, I got a new employee. She was putting photos on her desk and I noticed a familiar face. When I asked who he was to her, she said, “My husband.” I had been dating this guy for the past three months. FML
Today, I finally had one of my preschool students observed by the county for aggressive behavior intervention. Of course, he only started hitting my assistant and other students after the observer left. FML
Today, my angry ex-girlfriend ordered a bong to my house in my name. I came home to my parents screaming at me, demanding to know where "the weed" was. FML
Today, my cousin came to visit from Texas. It would have been great if he hadn't groped me and whispered, "Incest isn't illegal" when he saw me. FML
Today, during my wedding ceremony, the groom-to-be found it appropriate to blurt out about an ongoing affair with my maid of honor. They got married instead. FML
Today, I was having sex with my wife. Halfway through, I had to go to the bathroom, but she complained so I stayed. It was explosive diarrhea. I was on top. FML
Today, my 8-year-old niece came over to visit. As usual, she borrowed my husband's phone to play with, only this time she wanted to look at photos. That's how we both found out he'd been sexting a 16-year-old girl and saving the pictures to his phone. FML
Today, while looking at a house to buy, I opened a bathroom door. There was a naked man on the toilet. FML
Today, I made my first ever chocolate fudge, which turned out really nice. I had a bite and left it on the counter with plastic wrap covering, only to come back later to find my sister's cat pissing on it. FML
Today, I wore a coat that was too tight. The button gave way and quickly flew about ten feet to hit my very attractive new coworker right in the ass. FML
Today, my father told me that because of my 4.0 with all AP classes, I could choose where to eat tonight. My stepmother told him I wanted to eat at IKEA, of all places, because that's what she wanted. Guess who he believed, and guess where I am right now. FML
Today, whilst cleaning the living room, I heard snickering coming from my bedroom. My two nephews had found my "play cupboard" and were blowing up condoms like balloons. FML
Today, after drinking myself to an oblivion, I awoke with a massive hangover. I didn’t want to go to work, but every excuse I came up with in my head screamed of alcoholics. When I arrived, my boss asked me why I was there. It was my day off. FML
Today, I slept in my boyfriend's room for the first time. I also wet the bed for the first time in a decade. FML
Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my 10-year-old brother. FML
Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but when I took out the ring it flew out of the box and disappeared. She's been crying for 3 hours and I'm down 2 grand. I still don't know what her answer is. FML
Today, I'm the designated driver for a Christmas party I wasn't even invited to. Not only do I get to watch people have a good time, but I'm also supposed to not get involved in the party. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that we can’t be together because I’m not the person he fell in love with since I don’t do anything all day. I’m 6 months pregnant and on bed rest. FML
Today, I found out that conducting CPR and saving a man's life means nothing if you break his ribs. He is suing me for $10,000. FML
Today, I received my first customer complaint. A regular customer is uncomfortable because I'm always smiling and saying "see you soon". They're considering treating it as sexual harassment. FML
Today, I learned that my husband is attracted to obese, unhealthy women after celebrating my weight loss of 175lbs and improving my overall health. FML
Today, my mother-in-law told my fiancé that I had to leave and wasn’t allowed to live there anymore. I own the house. She’s mad because I locked the door so she couldn't walk in anytime she wanted. FML
Today, I fell asleep for 20 minutes during my first final in law school. I took a $70k loan to be here. FML
Today, my family asked where I wanted to go for my birthday dinner. They shot down my every suggestion and decided on sushi. I'm allergic, so the only thing I could eat was a veggie appetizer. Dad said I need to "expand my palate." FML
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