Tallahassee, United States 27 years-old
Today, one of my employees called in after his 8-hour shift, explaining that he had bed bugs at home, found one on his shirt, and thinks they are in the store. I own a mattress shop. They'd spread. FML
Today, my mom started getting ready for the Rapture. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughters realized that if one of them rang the doorbell, it would keep me distracted long enough for the other one to steal cookies from the kitchen. FML
Today, after making several comments about how I didn't exactly look thin, my boyfriend said, "Well, at least we know you'll look good pregnant." FML
Today, when I am asked to do something and I don't do it immediately, my mother threatens to "twerk" in front of my friends. FML
Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML
Today, freshly dumped and at a bar, I focussed my attention on trying to stand in such a way that I looked like an attractive, alluring, confident person. Apparently I forgot how to successfully stand upright and sprained my ankle. FML
Today, my university considered it an "embarrassment" that I was going to be the first and only person to graduate from my engineering course, so they gave free passes to two guys who hadn't finished their thesis yet. They were congratulated in the newspaper; I wasn't. FML
Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML
Today, while in the yard, my 18-month-old son decided to take off running into the road, where a car was driving. I rushed after him, only for one of my dress straps to suddenly break without warning. It must have looked like I was trying to flag down the driver with my flailing tit. FML
Today, I was really excited to get a new bank account in my name. My parents wanted me to have it so they could transfer money from mine to theirs and vice versa. What excited me less was my father drunkenly accessing it and taking all my cash. FML
Today, my dad texted me saying he had "big news." I immediately called, thrilled, because I assumed he meant that he finally found a job and that our money troubles were over. The "big news" was him being excited at seeing an actor from one TV show he likes in another TV show. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML
Today, as I passed by the window that looks out on to my front yard, I saw a man out there so I ran to the kitchen to call the police. The operator asked me to describe the man. It was then that I realized the mysterious man in my yard was the snowman I built yesterday. FML
Today, I woke up to a broken car window and a text from my ex that read, "Before you ask me, the answer is yes." FML
Today, my professor cancelled class so I turned off my alarm. When I woke up, I checked my email again. There was no email from my professor. It was a dream. FML
Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find no toilet paper and a piece of shitty wallpaper in the bowl. FML
Today, the guy I've been seeing for a few months told me he couldn't stay overnight because his mom would yell at him for not coming home. We're both 30 and I didn't know he still lived at home. FML
Today, after a day, I finally noticed that the toilet paper I'd been using to wipe my butt is actually a roll of paper towel cut in half. My dad thinks that it's a waste of money to buy proper paper. Guess who had to unclog the toilet twice. FML
Today, my girlfriend told her parents that she's pregnant. We have never even come close to having sex, but she told them I'm the father. Not only is my girlfriend cheating on me, but her father now wants me dead. FML
Today, my mom asked my siblings and me for help cleaning the kitchen. After working for a half hour while all my siblings sat on the couch, I pointed out that I was the only one working. My mom thanked my siblings for not having attitudes like mine and sent me to my room. FML
Today, I boarded a plane. A woman decided that she didn't like where she'd put her carry on luggage and pulled it out from over my head. The heavy luggage then fell right onto my face, the wheel smacking me in the mouth and busting my lip open. She just laughed and waltzed away without a word. FML
Today, I had sex with my girlfriend for the first time. Even after several hours I wasn't able to climax. My girlfriend now thinks that I don't like her body, and the reason I couldn't orgasm is because I don't like having sex with her. We spend the rest of the night in silence. FML
Today, I tried to overcome my shyness by warmly greeting the bus driver while entering it. I instead blurted out really loudly the words of the song my iPod was playing. FML
Today, I learned that, when choking on a piece of food, you can cough hard enough to partially prolapse a hemorrhoid. FML
Today, I greeted my girlfriend with a spinning hug. She got motion sickness and threw up all over me. FML
Today, my mom sent me a picture of a blank piece of paper, saying it was a drawing of all the people who wanted to date me. FML
Today, after 3 years of studying to be a veterinarian, I found out I may not be able to continue. It's not because I'm failing my classes, but because my body has developed an allergy to cats. FML
Today, it's been three days since I started working 12-hour night shifts. My neighbors have now decided to renovate their house. They're focusing on the rooms sharing my wall. FML
Today, my boyfriend came up with this thrillingly romantic proposal: “I’m paying way too much income tax. How about we get married?” FML
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