Today, I got my period, and had to rush to my parents' bathroom for some pads. They'd put all our wrapped presents in their bathroom. As I was looking, my dad thought I was opening presents and barged in, only to see me with my pants around my ankles. Now he won't stop laughing. FML
Today, I got a text from my girlfriend. After only having sex once, where I wore a condom and didn't even get to come, she says that she's pregnant. FML
Today, my boyfriend took a day off from work because he felt "sick". I thought he might come see me since he hadn't come over in a while. Nope, he went to hang out with his ex instead. FML
Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend he was like an animal in bed. He responded saying I was like a dead animal in bed. FML
Today, I was chilling out with my friend in a parking lot, when a police officer came up to the vehicle and suspiciously asked what we were up to. My friend sarcastically said, "Uh, doing drugs? Planning a drive-by? Haha!" We soon found ourselves in the back of a cop car. FML
Today, at my job as a bouncer at a music venue, a guy got his nose broken in a rowdy mosh pit. When I went to help him up and see if he was okay, he said, "It was an accident, please don't kick me out," but the word "please" came out as a hot spray of his blood across my face. FML
Today, I tried to be seductive to get intimate with my boyfriend. He commented on how sexy I looked, and how badly he wanted me, then asked me to move because I was blocking the TV, and the World Cup match he was watching. FML
Today, on the bus, a little boy gave me the dirtiest look, pointed at my pregnant stomach, and menacingly said, "I know what you did." FML
Today, at the bank, some poor bastard got brutally dumped in front of everyone, prompting some total spastic behind me to cough and mockingly say "Loser!" The guy thought I'd said it, and started shoving me around and threatening to tear me a new asshole. FML
Today, two children decided it would be fun to try to ding-dong-ditch me. I never answered the door as I saw them running away. They did it a couple of times before getting bored. That's when they decided it would be fun to come into my house instead. FML
Today, I had to flush someone else's shit in the public washroom at work. It was so vile, I didn't want to get anywhere near it, so flushed it with my foot, only for it to slip off the handle and into the toilet. FML
Today, I landed my first job as a security officer. Only after I signed all the paperwork did I find out that the area I'll be working is apparently a hotspot for violent shootings. I'm screwed. FML
Today, I was trying to fix a broken desk fan. I'd taken the guard off and was trying to unscrew the blades, when my roommate decided it'd be funny to plug it in. The blades sliced into my thumb. I need stitches, and he still thinks it's hilarious. FML
Today, my boss asked me if I could work this weekend, doing the work of 2 people, for almost no extra pay. I had a weekend out with my kids planned, so I said I couldn't. My boss called it a shitty excuse, yet gave a free pass to a guy who claimed he had a "phobia of working on weekends". FML
Today, I asked my dad to give me a haircut. After 20 minutes of "fuck"s and "shit"s, he gave up and just shaved my head bald. I pull off the look so badly that two people I don't even know have already told me I look like a psychopath. FML
Today, I wore a sexy nurse's outfit for a little roleplay with my boyfriend. After the main event, he said the sex was actually pretty bad and that he should file a medical malpractice lawsuit. Then he laughed at his own joke, got dressed, and went out for drinks. FML
Today, I heard my next door neighbour screaming as if someone was trying to slice her throat. Her window was open. Intrigued, I went onto my balcony and asked if everything was okay, and if she needed anything. She and her boyfriend shouted back in unison: "We're fucking! Go away!" FML
Today, I tested a new drug designed to fight headaches. It had quite an effect on me, more specifically side effects: nausea, dizzyness and diarrhea. FML
Today, I was collecting on a bet I had with a buddy on a sports game. He owed me lunch. I have a huge crush on the waitress and told him. She asked if we wanted the checks split and he said, "No, my boyfriend doesn't have any money." FML
Today, I can't decide what's worse, my mom walking in on me doing the five knuckle shuffle, or the one hour talk the next day about how it's perfectly normal and even she does it. FML
Today, I found a used condom and wrapper in the bathroom trash can at my girlfriends house. The condom is not a brand I've ever used. She lives alone. FML
Today, I was watching TV when the Jim Beam commercial came on with the hot girl saying how she likes her men fat and hairy. My mom walked in and said, "See honey, you still have a chance." FML
Today, I woke up in a girl's bed, who I've had a crush on for two years. She was sleeping on the floor with someone else. FML
Today, my fiancée broke up with me. Via a myspace message. While we were in the same apartment. FML
Today, I told my friend I hadn't had a period in 5 months. She asked me if I was pregnant. When I asked her if I looked 5 months pregnant, she replied, "Is that supposed to be a trick question?" FML
Today, I was having a one night stand with a guy. He told me he wanted to do it doggie style, I said okay, and as soon as I bent over on the bed, looked at me and said, "Let's do this with the lights off". FML
Today, my roommate got mad at me for putting away the tampons that were sitting on her desk. She rebelled by hanging hundreds of tampons dyed red from every surface in our dorm room. I discovered this while giving my mom her first tour of the place. FML
Today, I rode in the cab on the way back to my dorm from the airport. The taxi driver was on the phone and not really paying attention. I paid him and got out of the cab, but he drove away before I could get my luggage out of the trunk. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she started moaning and breathing heavily. I thought she was getting hot and was about to cum. Unfortunetly, she soon said, "I'm bored, let's play a board game." She was sighing, not moaning. FML
Today, I was walking my husky when she saw a cat and bolted toward it. I couldn't let go of the leash because my hand was tangled up. Forced to run along, I ran into a parked van at full sprint. I lost my dog, broke two ribs and have to pay for the dent in the van. FML
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