Today, I discovered that the only thing more disgusting than watching a little kid shove their finger up their nose and eat their fresh green mucus is watching your grandmother do the same. FML
Today, I realized why my sister refuses to let me clean her side of the room. She's secretly been trying to revive dead ants. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were watching TV and there were penguins laying eggs. He said, "Penguins are mammals, they don't lay eggs." I replied, "Penguins are birds." We fought about it for ages until he realised that I was right, and has since stopped talking to me. FML
Today, a man with a clipboard came up to me in the street to ask me if I was happy with my life insurance. I couldn't bring myself to admit to him that I'm so clueless about my own life that I wasn't sure I was even happy with the Twix I was eating at the time. FML
Today, I got a phone call from my 6-year-old son's school telling me they were concerned about him as he wouldn't stop barking at the radiator. After talking to my husband about it, I found out he's been teaching him so he could see the look on my face. FML
Today, I had to slowly explain to my mother that Americans are not the only people who celebrate Christmas. FML
Today, my stalker ex girlfriend turned up at my wedding, uninvited, wearing a wedding dress. FML
Today, I was feeling down about being the only single person out of a group of eight friends. Out of desperation, I made up "Jonny", a hot fitness instructor whom I recently hooked up with. Now "Jonny" and I have been invited to a friends night out. FML
Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins and had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. We'd been talking about the move where you pick a girl up and kiss, and how romantic that would be, so we decided to try it. When he picked me up, my head slammed against his ceiling fan. FML
Today, my boyfriend was extremely nervous to meet my parents but I made him do it anyway. One of the first things out of his mouth was, "I'm glad you had sex." When they gave him a look of shock, he added, "You know, when you made your daughter! She's awesome!" FML
Today, my dad was teasing me, saying a guy would have to be blind to go on a date with me. I then introduced him to my new, visually impaired boyfriend. He hasn't stopped laughing. FML
Today, my best friend called me a moron for disputing her belief that Canada is in South America. FML
Today, I was marking exams. I then had to explain to many of the students that (a) pigs are not aquatic animals and (b) sharks do not have lungs. These are university students. FML
Today, my grandma told everyone at our party to stay away from me, saying, "Ya might catch obesity from her and become fatass porkers too." I complained to my dad, at which point my gran faked being inebriated. My dad rolled his eyes and said, "She's DRUNK, honey. Chill out." FML
Today, while working as a swim instructor, I started singing the hokey pokey to get all the kids used to putting their faces in the water. One of the kids was covering his ears. When I asked him why, he said "because you were singing." He's 3. FML
Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old standing over me with a pillow. I asked him what he was doing, and he replied that he and Steve were playing a game, but Steve said I have to be asleep for it. Steve is my son's imaginary friend. I'm convinced Steve wants to kill me. FML
Today, my band informed me that our gig this afternoon was actually a wedding. Whose wedding? My ex-wife's, along with the guy she cheated on me with. For their first dance, I had to sing what used to be our song. FML
Today, I found out I'm pregnant. I told my boyfriend and my close family, who were all ecstatic. Then he told his mother. Her reaction? "It better come out looking like him." FML
Today, I was showing a new girl around at school. As we were walking through the parking lot she noticed a green jeep and commented, "I heard the person who drives that is a total creep. Is he?" I said I didn't know who it was. It was my car. FML
Today, I spent half-an-hour listening to my therapist telling me enthusiastically how people used to communicate telepathically before verbal languages were invented. FML
Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML
Today, I was at the doctor's getting a check up. He asked me if I was allergic to anything, to which I blurted out, "Cats." He gave me a weird look and said, "Don't worry, I won't give you cats." FML
Today, I had to calm my hallucinating mom after she accidentally overdosed on one of her pills, then spend ages trying to protect her from the "monkey" on the wall. FML
Today, my loneliness reached a new level when I befriended the fly in my apartment, Mr. Stickyfoot. FML
Today, I spent a large portion of the afternoon playing hide and seek with the door-to-door salesman who saw me sneak in the back door and won't stop knocking. No amount of hiding behind the couch will make him go away. FML
Today, I put scribbles, lines, shapes and random words on my calendar just to make it seem like I was busy. This isn't the first time. FML
Today, I used a restroom. While doing my thing, the power in my building completely went out. There was another person in the restroom making demonic noises and scratching at my stall. When the power came back on, he was gone. I think I'm being haunted. FML
Today, I came home to find my housemate cowering in the lounge corner, sobbing, hugging a bag of chips while the automatic vacuum cleaner gently bumped into him. Apparently he "mistakenly" put magic mushrooms in his sandwich instead of peanut butter. FML
Today, I found out my kids only remember my birthday because it's the password on the iPad. FML
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