Today, a man with a clipboard came up to me in the street to... - FML

By Anonymous - 1/10/2012 00:49 - Australia - Sandringham

Today, a man with a clipboard came up to me in the street to ask me if I was happy with my life insurance. I couldn't bring myself to admit to him that I'm so clueless about my own life that I wasn't sure I was even happy with the Twix I was eating at the time. FML

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Season finale

Rock, hard place

Noise

By damn it rose - 31/5/2014 13:40 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my ex-girlfriend proposed to me, at my wedding. FML

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By BurntBroken - 9/1/2017 13:16

Today, when I realized I'd forgot rice on the stove, I jumped off my chair and pulled off my headphones really fast. Now I've got burnt rice and broken headphones. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2011 19:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised just how grossly out of shape I am, when I started violently sweating, felt light-headed, and almost blacked out. All this from helping my sister shift a sofa from the move-in truck to her living room. FML

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By Anon. - 2/1/2013 21:53

Today, my dog died. We planned to get her cremated and keep the ashes. My sister put forward the idea of putting the ashes in our food so our dog can be "inside of us, always." She's completely serious. I'm scared to eat food from her now. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2011 05:49 - United States

Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML

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By dzisfml - 14/2/2010 08:42 - Canada

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to rub Tabasco sauce on my household toilet paper. FML

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By lamelifeguard - 19/4/2013 05:07 - United States - Morrison

Today, someone at my workplace yelled at me and filed a complaint for staring at them too often. I'm a lifeguard. FML

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By I'm a joke? - 30/5/2013 05:37

Today, I found out that me having a boyfriend is an on-going family joke. FML

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By RickTheBoy - 10/7/2013 12:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after a haircut, I walked to the cash register, handed the hairdresser a $20 bill and said, "Keep the change." He looked at me with a blank expression and replied, "The haircut costs 25 dollars." FML

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By - 4/9/2019 14:00 - New Zealand

Asshat

Today, my hours at work were slashed due to company wide cut backs. The only coworker unaffected was the asshat who stole my promotion after I'd trained them. FML

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By firstdate - 24/1/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, I was on my first date with my crush. When I saw her, I greeted her with, "Hey, sweetheart." She's convinced I said, "Hey, retard." FML

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By sleepy - 3/12/2016 09:54 - United States - Grand Forks

Today, I was the DJ for a company party that was supposed to end at 11 p.m. The company ended up wanting music late and my boss made me stay there until they got tired, which ended up being 3 a.m. I start work at my other job at 7 a.m. FML

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By InnocenceBlue - 1/8/2019 14:00

Today, the boss's arrogant son thought it necessary to demonstrate how to use a hole punch while explaining slowly how he wanted things punched. I have worked admin for years, and I'm the contracts admin, not his PA. FML

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By Tytonic - 2/2/2016 22:25 - United States - Washington

Today, I took a few Advil. They weren't Advil. My dad mixed the containers and I have no idea what I just took. FML

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By some_girl_19 - 5/8/2009 13:04 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was in the middle of an intense orgasm when we heard the panicky voice of his little sister saying there was an emergency downstairs. He jumped up and left to see what the matter was. The big emergency? The Wii remotes had dead batteries. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2015 13:54 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my car is being repaired, so I had to catch a bus to work. When the bus came, the driver pulled toward the curb and gunned it through a large puddle of water, then pulled away and continued down the road, leaving me soaking wet. FML

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By lowlife123 - 1/5/2012 03:01 - United States - Manawa

Today, I found out my boyfriend gave me a surprise birthday present: herpes. FML

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By heightdifference - 28/11/2013 16:34 - United States - Memphis

Today, I met the guy I've been talking to online for two years in real life. He tried to convince me to have his children because they would be average height. He's a midget and I'm 6'2". This is the most romantic thing anybody has ever said to me. FML

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By author - 15/2/2014 02:28 - United States - Sicklerville

Today, I was at the fish store asking if they were hiring. My stepdad decided to humiliate me by screaming at them repeatedly that I'm a good person and that I deserve the job. FML

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By doesntkissalot - 28/8/2010 16:19 - United States

Today, I was watching TV when a Dentyne gum commercial came on and stated that the average person spends more than 20,000 minutes kissing. I've spent less than three. FML

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By Howdoiwatchpoliticsnow - 29/5/2016 20:06 - United States - Newton

Today, I tried to get my son off of the couch by turning off the wifi. Afterward, I went to watch tv. Turns out he got me back by turning off the cable. FML

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By Sweet Jesus - 18/6/2020 14:02

NCIS: Dumbass Response Team

Today, when my almost-16-year-old asked if the 9-1-1 phone number was named after 9/11, I forgave her because she wasn't even born when it happened, but when my 18-year-old asked if jelly comes from jellyfish, I wondered if I've failed as a parent. FML

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By fmylovelife - 27/6/2011 23:45 - United States

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with roses. She surprised me by getting back together with her ex. FML

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By Spooderman - 4/2/2016 02:04 - United States

Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML

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By well then... - 15/6/2013 05:04 - Canada - London

Today, as I was crossing to the US, I got pulled over by border patrol for looking "suspicious". The female cop searched my purse and found a condom. She smirked and said, "I doubt you'd ever need that." FML

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By meme71 - 21/2/2011 10:22

Today, I had an hour-long massage, meditated for while and was finally feeling good. Then I had to call an ambulance for my idiot father who had managed to get alcohol poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 00:01

Happy Feet

Today, an old lady rear ended my car the light. Her explanation was, "It's a new car, and when I take my foot off the break, it just rolls forward all on its own! I don't know what's wrong with it!" FML

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By Sean - 14/8/2016 04:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, as I was crossing a street, a car hit me and broke two of my ribs. The driver was too busy paying attention to his girlfriend who was giving him a blowjob from the passenger seat. I could see the look of ecstasy on his face as he rammed into me and drove off without noticing. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2010 23:44 - United States

Today, I found out that my younger sister had maxed out all three of my credit cards when I tried all three of the cards, and realized that I didn't have $5.29 to buy tampons and Advil. FML

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By tamponface - 30/7/2011 12:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I was really excited because the girl I'd liked since freshman year asked me out. She came to my house and my mom decided to show her baby pictures of me with tampons up my nose because I'd had a nose bleed. Even worse, there was one picture of me when I was 15 doing the same thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 00:25 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, at work, I took an order from a stuck-up sounding lady over the phone. She said her last name was "duckling, but with an F". Bemused, I wrote her name on the order. When she arrived to pick it up later, she told me she'd said "s", not "f". FML

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By Grevling - 20/7/2009 19:07 - Norway

Today, I found out that the guy I've been dating for the past 7 months, who insisted on keeping us a secret because it was "too soon", is proudly showing off his new 19 year old girlfriend he met a month ago. FML

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By snowball - 29/12/2011 23:32 - Switzerland

Today, as I left my house, the front door slammed shut behind me, causing an entire roof-length of snow to slide over the edge and land directly on my head. FML

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By JakeHolmes - 17/11/2009 06:48 - United States

Today, I was in my hot tub with my brand new phone. I set it down and when I grabbed my towel I knocked it into the water. I quickly snatched it up and dried it off with the towel and suprisingly only one button stopped working. It was the unlock button, a perfectly good phone that I can't use. FML

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By disgusting - 31/5/2015 09:13 - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, I uploaded a photo of myself at the beach on Facebook. The first comment it got was "Wow!! If I was 20 yrs younger, oh boy ;)". Yeah, thanks for that, grandpa. FML

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By "Auburn_flame" - 27/3/2019 00:00

Today, I've been horribly sick with a stomach virus. Six hours ago, I asked my husband to go to the store and get me a few things that would help ease my misery. He's still in bed and I'm cleaning the house in between bouts of vomiting. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2011 19:21 - United States

Today, I confided to my dad that since the recent breakup with my boyfriend of 3 months, I feel down all the time and life doesn't feel worth living anymore. His loving advice was for me to "grow the fuck up and get your sentimental head out of la-la land." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2013 16:16 - United States - Spring Hope

Today, I am sitting next to a guy who very clearly has lice crawling on his head. It's a six hour flight. FML

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By Oldhouse - 22/7/2014 03:46 - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, I discovered that the odd creaking noise I hear when I walk down the stairs is actually a crack that had been getting larger over the years. I found out when I fell through and plummeted to the stairs below. FML

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By gmanbuilder - 8/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Louisville

Today, I determined that the only reason I still have a membership to my gym is that the special gummy bears they have in the vending machines are amazing. FML

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Top comments

By CheckItOutItsYou | 7

#4991003 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:01

I guess you couldn't chew it over with twix

By kyat288 | 9

#4991064 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:09

I was asked that once and I said, 'what does it matter? I'm already dead.' It was soo funny cause everyone played along acting like I was a ghost and that he was the only one who could see me... He screamed!

COMMENTS

By CheckItOutItsYou | 7

#4991003 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:01

I guess you couldn't chew it over with twix

Reply

beccaishereyay | 11

#4991222 - Monday 1 October 2012 10:05

She was probably not herself because she was hungry and needed a snickers.

Reply

imcarissa | 4

#4991320 - Monday 1 October 2012 10:34

Nailed it

Reply

drewcat21 | 0

#4991704 - Monday 1 October 2012 14:03

Or she needed a break.. With a kit Kat bar!

Reply

RpiesSPIES | 27

#4991901 - Monday 1 October 2012 15:55

37
It's a guy

Reply

Purplefluff | 6

#4992288 - Monday 1 October 2012 18:16

But what would they do for a Klondike bar?

By Zya_fml | 8

#4991011 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:02

Cheer up. I know people hate this saying but... You only live once.

Reply

kittytub | 12

#4991042 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:05

if you know people hate it, why do you say it?

Reply

Bekeliyr | 10

#4991057 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:08

He's purposely trying to get flames for pointing out contradiction.

Reply

Zya_fml | 8

#4991066 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:09

Because it's obvious, true, and relevant to the FML.

Reply

ifknh8usernames | 7

#4991073 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:10

Let me guess.. As long as she has swag she should be happy, right?

Reply

Zya_fml | 8

#4991086 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:12

It's a she and I never said that.

Reply

tswizz | 13

#4991303 - Monday 1 October 2012 10:30

2 - kill yourself.

Reply

axelpinap | 2

#4991592 - Monday 1 October 2012 12:50

In this case, you used the saying correctly.

Reply

agonydrum | 7

#4991643 - Monday 1 October 2012 13:15

What about the zombie apocalypse?! She could live more than once...just saying

Reply

BeforeItWasCool | 12

#4992085 - Monday 1 October 2012 16:56

Eh if you know people hate it you could've reworded it a little so it wasn't the ever-hated YOLO. Maybe said "you only have one life" Yohlo doesn't quite word.

Reply

ambear26 | 14

#4994234 - Tuesday 2 October 2012 3:42

Oh Jesus. Thumbs down for using YOLO. But hey you only love Oreos . Right? No. Well I do.

By HeyArnold91 | 8

#4991013 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:02

Chew it over with a Twix

Reply

shadowsorel | 15

#4991035 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:04

And might as well have a Kit Kat bar while you're at it. Don't forget to break me a piece...

Reply

HeyArnold91 | 8

#4991142 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:24

Dammit Number 1 saw my comment and edited his to say the same.

Reply

CheckItOutItsYou | 7

#4993247 - Monday 1 October 2012 23:10

Lol, not true. That was the first thing I thought of but wasn't sure about using it. But I said screw it ill use it so I quickly changed it. And our comments have different meanings anyways.

By Bekeliyr | 10

#4991025 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:03

If Twix won't solve it. I don't know what will. Your life sucks!

Reply

IworkAt711 | 14

#4991078 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:11

Bacon maybe?......

Reply

Zya_fml | 8

#4991096 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:15

Don't give him ideas. I don't want pigs to go extinct too quickly. :(

Reply

IworkAt711 | 14

#4991118 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:17

Oh yeah.....I forgot about that. :(

By ToBeAnnounced | 2

#4991032 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:04

You must be an EXTREMELY clueless person to not instantly be happy that you have a Twix.

Weirdo.

By omfgshiz | 7

#4991047 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:07

but, but...it's Twix!

By kyat288 | 9

#4991064 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:09

I was asked that once and I said, 'what does it matter? I'm already dead.' It was soo funny cause everyone played along acting like I was a ghost and that he was the only one who could see me... He screamed!

Reply

htownpostman | 16

#4991361 - Monday 1 October 2012 10:49

If you are a ghost and he was the was the only one who could see you, how could your friends play along?

Reply

0RedPenguin0 | 8

#4991496 - Monday 1 October 2012 12:12

29 - you are an idiot

By sharksfan48 | 13

#4991098 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:15

Enjoy life while it lasts op, live everyday as if it's your last

By WrongRomance | 11

#4991100 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:16

What the? Figure yourself out for Pete's sake! You don't even know if you like the candy you have been eating? Unless you have amnesia, you are one seriously distracted soul.

By blueandpurpleroc | 4

#4991113 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:16

You had a twix. come on. PAUSE YO LIFE