Today, I got locked out of my car for an hour in frigid weather at a busy gas station. Every time I tried to use the key, the alarm went off and the locks wouldn't work. The car company claims they've never heard of this happening. I just bought it last week after taking out a 5 year loan. FML
Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML
Today, I found out my husband potty trained my stubborn three year-old son who prefers diapers. He managed this by peeing with him and "sword-fighting" with their urine streams. I now have to clean pee off the ground every time he urinates. FML
Today, I was carjacked. As he shoved me away from my car, I got hit by another car. He and the other car both drove off. FML
Today, my mom and I had a fight in the car over who farted. The result? She wanted to smell my underwear when we got home, to prove it was me. FML
Today, I learned that I was conceived on a public bus. FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend of four years is legally married to a man in prison. He gets out next week. FML
Today, my fiancé received his divorce papers. Thanks to his procrastinating, his divorce is effective May 29th. We're supposed to get married on May 28th. FML
Today, a Russian guy came up to me on the train and informed me that I look exactly like a typical Russian woman. He then went on to explain that I even had enough fat to survive their cold winters. FML
Today, I was at a family gathering with my boyfriend. Jokingly, my grandmother swatted my butt to get me to move. Out of habit, I moaned quite loudly. FML
Today, the Australian police woke me up by knocking on my door and yelling my name. I start to panic, imagining the worst: burglars, murder, even drug trafficking. Apparently, I didn’t hear my alarm, so my boss called the cops to come and get me. FML
Today, I scored the number of a cute girl. I gave her mine as well, just before leaving the bar. As I waved her goodbye, I attempted to do a cheesy "call me" gesture with my thumb and pinky finger, and winked. For a reason unknown to me, I ended up flipping her off. I still winked though. FML
Today, I got back from a two-week vacation. During my vacation, I had a friend from work watch my puppy. My puppy now likes him more than me, and won't stop whining sadly since he left. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. I would be ecstatic if he hadn't stuck the ring on his balls and asked for a blow-job. He even confessed that the original plan was to stick it on his penis but it was too small. FML
Today, I found my diamond earring, which had gone missing. The vet had to surgically remove it from my dog. Despite having made the voyage through the dog's digestive tract, the earring is more expensive than ever. FML
Today, I’m in Mexico for six months to discover a new culture, bathe in Tequila and Mezcal, meet loads of new people and travel as much as possible. I’ve found somewhere to live, but as for the rest… I’m living with nuns. FML
Today, I was taking my grandma shopping, when she pointed at a pair of thongs and told me if I don’t start wearing them I won’t get a man. I've been married for 4 years, gran. Thanks for paying attention. FML
Today, after a church service, a man approached me as I was walking to my car. He had tears in his eyes and politely asked if I would pray with him. He asked if we could hold hands. As I reached out to hold his hands, the bitch snatched my purse and ran. FML
Today, I called an airline's customer service line. Apparently the way that they deal with uncommon problems is by having someone put you on hold for twenty minutes, answer and yell something unintelligible at you, put you back on hold, and repeat. This went on for over an hour. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex, and he asked me to tell him what I wanted him to do. I said I wanted him to make me scream and cum. To which he replied, "Okay, be realistic now". FML
Today, my boyfriend and I took a late night drive, and after a while he stopped at a gas station and asked if I wanted anything. I replied, "Guess." He came out and gave me a box of tampons. Apparently, I've been bitchy. FML
Today, I saw an adorable girl at the bar and I went to talk to her. I decided to use my cheesiest pick up line to make her laugh. After I said it, she knew who I was. It was my cousin I hadn't seen in 8 years. FML
Today, I ran out of gas while driving, and had to call a tow truck. I drive a tow truck. FML
Today, after careful consideration, I told my wife I really want to have kids. She laughed, until she finally realized I was serious, at which point she flicked me in the balls and said, "Problem solved." FML
Today, after a power outage at my house, my 14-year-old brother was genuinely confused as to why our flashlights still worked if we had no electricity. FML
Today, several Ukrainians didn't believe me when I said I was American. Apparently I'm not fat enough. FML
Today, I can't decide what's worse: the fact that my mother found my vibrator or that, as a prank, she replaced it with a realistic tarantula replica. She won't tell me where it is. FML
Today, I have peace of mind that I am not pregnant, thanks to my IUD. It's not because of the effectiveness of the contraceptive, but my inability to touch my boyfriend. I haven't stopped bleeding since my doctor installed it 3 weeks ago. FML
Today, I had been working at the checkout for over five hours. Slightly tired while serving a customer, my eye accidentally twitched and I gave him a wink. He smiled and winked back. When I finished work two hours later he was outside, waiting for me, and followed me to my car, still smiling. FML
Today, I had to explain to my 23-year-old female friend that when I get my hysterectomy, I will still be able to poop. FML
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