Miscellaneous: Today, the Australian police woke me up by knocking on my door... - FML

By Love2sleep - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the Australian police woke me up by knocking on my door and yelling my name. I start to panic, imagining the worst: burglars, murder, even drug trafficking. Apparently, I didn’t hear my alarm, so my boss called the cops to come and get me. FML

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BO Central

Surprise strike

I'm a mess

By someboody - United States - Paso Robles

Today, I discovered that my mom bought roll on stick glue that looks quite a bit like deodorant. It was early in the morning and I was groggy. Long story short, I had to cut every one of my pit hairs. FML

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By Okay_Then - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, a customer started a conversation by telling me how smart he'd heard I am, and finished it by explaining his theory that only smart people commit suicide. He then gave me a knowing look and said, "Just something I thought you should think about," and left without buying anything. FML

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By Lisaaa - Canada

Today, it was my little girl's birthday and her grandparents came over to celebrate. One of the presents from her grandparents turned out to be a sweater. She then asked, "Mommy, may I please lie?" When I shook my head no, she exclaimed, "I hate this ugly sweater!" FML

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By 1ndustrytx - United States

Today, I was awakened by the sound of chain-saws. Moments later a tree branch came through my roof. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at Burger King, I had to go to the bathroom. Two ketchup packets were under the seat and exploded on my legs and pants when I sat down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Orleans

Today, I started a new job. I'm now trapped in a small office with a woman who says, "Oh my gravy!" constantly. In response to everything. FML

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By nerderer - United States - Duluth

Today, my dad decided that the best way to alleviate my crippling depression is to talk to me in a baby voice. FML

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By joeidk - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I finally convinced my mom to read Fight Club. As English isn't her first language, she occasionally asked me to translate some of the words. Her latest question: "What's a dildo?" FML

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By Anonymity - Canada

Today, my mother was vaccuming the stairs. Trying to be polite, I climbed over the banister to the floor above, so I wouldn't interrupt her. She looked at me odd and said, "I'm surprised that held your weight." The banister is maple and steel. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Conroe

Today, I'm recovering from a bad motorcycle crash that could have cost me my life. A truck pulled out in front of me while going 60. Luckily I only have a broken arm and a fractured sternum. I was just notified by my attorney that the guy at fault has no insurance or assets to his name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had some pretty bad stomach pain, so I went to the bathroom. After a few minutes, two girls walked in, taking stalls next to me. That's when my farts began to get very large and explosive. Not only did they break into laughter, they waited for me to come out. FML

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By Disgruntled - United States - Jamestown

Today, it's been exactly two years since I got my last raise. And the amount I got still allows me the luxury of being able to afford a Snickers bar every month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my wife cheated on me with a guy from her work three times, two months before I proposed to her. She decided to tell me three months into our marriage. FML

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By mrWrong - United States

Today, my rescue squad unit responded to a 911 call from a woman who felt she was going to pass out. We knocked on her locked door a couple times with no answer. Fearing she might be unconscious, I kicked in the door. She was about to open it and only passed out from the concussion I gave her. FML

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By Spawn_of_Satan - Hong Kong

Today, whilst my parents and I were out, my older brother thought it would be funny to play porn on my computer. At full volume. With my window wide open. Now my next-door neighbors tell their kids I'm a spawn of Satan, and the weird guy from across the street winks at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a public toilet, enduring an extremely awkward silence between myself and the person in the next stall. In my rush to get out of there, I managed to get my ass stuck in the toilet seat, and ended up being pulled out by the maintenance men. FML

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By CosmicJoke - United States

Today, I found my car had been robbed. The thieves stole my GPS, my iPod and my digital camera. While I was filing the police report, the officer recommended I take photos for insurance purposes. Then she remembered my camera had been stolen. She actually started laughing. FML

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By cheezeits - United States

Today, my long-distance girlfriend asked me if she could see someone else on the side. FML

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By lisa - United States

Today, my recently married friend took off her wedding ring to make bread. Being single and pathetic, I tried it on to see what it would look like. It got stuck on my finger. The ER doctor had to cut it off. FML

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By pissed - United States

Today, my husband called me from the store, trying to decide whether or not to buy the new games console he's been wanting. I'd already purchased one and hid it, ready for Christmas Day. I couldn't talk him into not buying himself one. There goes a $500 surprise. FML

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By the other woman

Oops...

Today, I found out that the guy I lost my virginity to a few months ago was in a relationship the whole time. How did I find out? His now ex-girlfriend called to yell at me. FML

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By ChaosFerret - United States - Eugene

Today, I spent six hours making chicken and black bean chili for a big family gathering. I go to use the restroom. I come back to the pot on the floor with my cat standing in the chili, eating it. FML

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By Too Late - United States - Sheboygan

Hard test

Today, I went in to take my College Placement tests. I'd spent all week ignoring actual homework to study for these tests. When I got there, the responsible told me that the tests were last week. FML

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By HassledAirfarer - United States

Today, I was on a red-eye flight, and the woman beside me was chattering loudly to her friend. I opened my laptop and got to work. Suddenly, one of the women turned to me and told me that the clicking of my keyboard was too loud. She then called me an inconsiderate selfish bitch. FML

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By joser6969 - United States

Today, I locked myself out of my own shop. And I'm a locksmith. FML

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By alexarbusto - 6/5/2020 02:00

Last splash

Today, my phone fell in my cat's water bowl overnight. I'm currently writing this from my laptop. FML

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By me - United States

Today, the tree that my neighbors have neglected to cut down fell on my car. They claim that by law, they aren't responsible and don't have to pay for it. FML

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By skiittlez713 - United States

Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML

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By ouch - United States - Union City

Today, I stopped to replace a stuffed bear that had fallen from a small memorial for a girl killed nearby. Her mom happened to walk by and thought I was stealing it. She hit me with her purse. FML

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By Chensticles - France

Today, I went to my hairdresser who promised me a haircut which "all the girls would want you" for. She gave me a combover. FML

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By yerface - United States

Today, I told my mom I was excited my boobs were getting bigger. She told me that that's what happens when you get fat. FML

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By Rrae

Today, I'm at the ER for my first ever UTI and potential other "down there" issues. Yesterday I got married. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boss walked up and smacked my butt. I am a 19 year old guy. My boss is a 50 year old woman. I desperately need this job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brookhaven

Today, my 45-year-old child of a mother made such a dramatic scene over finding a hair in her food that the initially apologetic owners ended up kicking my family out. FML

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By Daivv - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that shouting 'arsehole' at a speeding car is not a good idea. Two chavs MIGHT just turn around, drive onto the pavement and push you into a bush. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I got into an argument, and she told me to go to my room. I refused, prompting her to slap the shit out of me. I'm 29, and she was visiting me at my own house. FML

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By Luke - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a friend move. Before we arrived, he put his key on my key ring to keep it safe. When we got there, he promptly shoved my front door key into the lock and snapped it clean off. Not only can we not get into his house, but now I can't get back into mine. FML

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By reckless - Canada

Today, my dad found my "list". 32 guys, 4 girls. Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn't, who were virgins, etc. He complimented me on my "organizational skills." FML

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By Candy_Crushed - United States - Mims

Today, after nearly three years of no contact whatsoever, I received a Facebook notification from my father. Eager to see what he said, I pulled it up only to see a game request. He had run out of lives on Candy Crush. FML

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By Blue_Heart - Canada - Brampton

Today, I decided to bike to work. I normally forget the key to my lock, so I leave it out back and hope that nobody takes it, and nobody does. I finally remembered my lock key so I chained it up. After my 7 hour shift, I walk to the back only to find the lock had been cut, and my bike was gone. FML

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Top comments

By IssacB | 14

#6595930 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:33

That's pretty intense. Your boss must love you

By TMO2142 | 25

#6595926 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:31

Hey, least that means your work is valuble at where you work.

COMMENTS

By TMO2142 | 25

#6595926 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:31

Hey, least that means your work is valuble at where you work.

By IssacB | 14

#6595930 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:33

That's pretty intense. Your boss must love you

By rockergal21 | 16

#6595940 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:36

at least he cares enough to wonder what happens to you! (:

By LogicalCore | 6

#6595944 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:39

Either your boss really cares about you, or is hellbent on making sure you show up.

By snowmanIam | 8

#6595945 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:40

Maybe, the boss is his lover and she was scared he was hurt.

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6596254 - Wednesday 4 May 2016 0:31

We don't know the gender of the boss, but as far as the OP goes, Coriolis force only affects non-gender fluilds; female up north is the same as female down unda'.

Reply

Phantomsnake | 10

#6596513 - Wednesday 4 May 2016 6:34

I thank God you are not a movie director.

Reply

snowmanIam | 8

#6597009 - Wednesday 4 May 2016 20:00

maybe I am

By Tripartita | 44

#6595969 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 18:05

"Ma'am, there's been reports of a burglar in your area—"
"My god, was anything taken?!"
*puts on sunglasses* "Company time."

Reply

snowmanIam | 8

#6597011 - Wednesday 4 May 2016 20:02

Remember we don't know the gender or the OP

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yerawizardlizzy | 27

#6597207 - Thursday 5 May 2016 1:11

I totally pictured Horatio from CSI Miami when reading that comment.

Also, 22, it makes no difference in this situation.

Reply

snowmanIam | 8

#6598014 - Friday 6 May 2016 1:42

he said ma'am so obviously he is describing the OP. is he not?

By LylliB | 3

#6595972 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 18:07

I love how drug trafficking seems to be the ultimate bad here, outranking murder somehow?

By MidnaLink | 32

#6596016 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 19:08

Okay, it's official. Your boss is either Satan himself, or you have a BIG habit of truancy. Pick one.

Reply

IorvethTheXolo | 8

#6596228 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 23:41

Or OP is known for being punctual and the boss thought something must be wrong for OP to not show up at work on time.

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6596024 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 19:21

That's quite an escort to the office

By sk8erd | 15

#6596033 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 19:31

This is just how I feel... I feel like thats pretty psycho of your boss...