Miscellaneous: Today, the Australian police woke me up by knocking on my door... - FML

By Love2sleep - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the Australian police woke me up by knocking on my door and yelling my name. I start to panic, imagining the worst: burglars, murder, even drug trafficking. Apparently, I didn’t hear my alarm, so my boss called the cops to come and get me. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Sorry…

Fundies say the darndest things

By AGluckily - United States

Today, I was with a group of friends at a bar, and we were all talking about whether we were moaners, screamers, or quiet during sex. My boyfriend said that he was a moaner, which I contradicted. Completely straightfaced, he said, "Well, I am when it's good." FML

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By Fish Breath - United States - Bloomington

Today, as part of my job at a pet store, I helped our frat house president pick out goldfish for the new aquarium the big brothers are installing over summer break. And, once I'm initiated, I'll get to swallow one of the fish. FML

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By farrahfarrest_ - United States

Today, I went to the doctor. I told her I felt down all the time. She asked me a few questions and she told me I was depressed. She suggested to go home and find the sources of my depression. When I told my parents, they started laughing and said "Yeah, right." I think I found my source. FML

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By EpicFail - United States

Today, a woman at the crowded mall stopped me and told me loudly that if I bought her product it would get rid of my acne. FML

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By pain - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a splinter in my shop class. The teacher dug at it with tweezers for a while, then told me that my best bet would be to wait until the wound got infected and formed a bunch of pus around the splinter to force it out. It's in my dominant hand's palm. FML

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By Somebody - 19/8/2020 17:01

Thanks for nothing

Today, my mother-in-law came over. Probably thinking that the needles in our fridge were steroids, and wanting to do the right thing, she took them to throw them away. I'm diabetic, and they were my insulin. I went into shock after she left and had to go to the hospital. FML

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By lostmyfaithinblowjobs - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, during an hour-long drive, my sister told me she's lost her "faith in humanity", because one of her friends bought his 8-year-old son an iPad. She uses this stupid expression all the time, and I got so pissed off that I forgot to brake at a red light, rear-ending the car in front of us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a close friend of my husband for the first time. She told me it was amazing that I agreed to be in an open marriage and asked if sex was weird knowing he'd slept with other women. No, the sex wasn't weird, because we're not in an open marriage. FML

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By child of a crazed women - United States - Halethorpe

Today, it is my birthday. Since my parents are in the middle of a divorce, my mom thought it was perfectly reasonable to burn the gifts my dad got for me in the fireplace. FML

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By sadface - United States

Today, I was dumped by my girlfriend due to our long distance relationship. She then agreed to date my best friend who lives in the same town as me. FML

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By James

Anxious

Today, I began worrying I have social anxiety, all because while getting dressed I convinced myself that everyone would talk about me behind my back if I wore a striped shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my best guy friend, who I have loved for years. I was talking about school and all of a sudden he said "I love you." I flipped out saying "Oh my god, oh my god. I love you, too!" He responded with "what?" He was talking to his mom, who was walking out the door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML

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By DrewK - United States - Great Falls

Today, I went into the men's restroom and started peeing in a urinal next to a middle-age man. As he zipped up and walked away, he said to me, "Don't worry, it'll grow." FML

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By whoanoa - United States

Today, I discovered that my mother uses my eyebrow tweezers to pull ticks off the dog. She also hasn't figured out that just dipping the tweezers in alcohol doesn't automatically sterilize them. Especially if there is icky dog hair still stuck on. FML

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By sillyrabbit - United States

Today, after I had filled up my car and got into it I saw a cute guy running towards me. I flashed a smile and left the door open and said "hey" when he was next to me. He said, "the pump is still attached to your car, you really should be more careful." FML

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By mosaicevolution - United States - Decatur

Today, after finishing my second glass of wine, I walked out of the bathroom and saw the tag on my hair dryer from last year's rehab visit. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2020 08:01

Harsh

Today, my mom screamed in my face that if she could go back in time, she’d rather have put up with the 3-minute pain of being fucked in the ass like her boyfriend wanted, because then she wouldn’t have had 13 years of pain raising me. FML

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By raquel - United States

Today, I babysat the Antichrist of all kids. After the 5 long hours were over, his parents came home. Instead of paying me what they agreed, they offered to let me eat some leftovers of a takeout in the fridge. I'm so afraid of confrontation that I accepted. FML

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By I need a new ballsack. - United Kingdom - Macclesfield

Today, I'm at that age where sitting down carries a 50/50 chance of turning my balls into scrambled eggs, a fact confirmed yet again today. Third time this week. I think it's time to switch to briefs. FML

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By wtf

Today, I got yelled at multiple times by my boss because my boyfriend didn't show up to work. FML

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By Sexless from Texas - United States - San Antonio

Today, I learned that, when you ask your girlfriend "Do you think we're having sex too often?" she might interpret it as, "I don't think we should have sex ever again," and entirely stop talking to you. FML

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By

Knock out

Today, I treated myself to a Thai massage. The masseuse was so aggressive and intense, she left me with injuries on my hands and back. I paid $60 for someone to hurt me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was prescribed medicine for anxiety. Without it, my stomach churns all day. With it, I shake uncontrollably and my eyes twitch. Now I have to choose between diarrhea and rude stares from people in public. FML

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By Flandre

Today, I gave over $100 to my online friend in presents for Christmas, only to find out he can't use any because of his strict parents. FML

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By Hannah - United States

Today, I faced down the Godzilla of all spiders. I smashed the goddamned holy shit out of it. Trying to impress my cute new roommate, I scooped up the remains and showed him. It was his pet tarantula. FML

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By whooops - United States

Today, after having a few beers at a bar, I gave my ticket to the valet to get my car. I tipped the man $2 and he gave me a huge smile and thanked me a lot as I left. I thought the guy was just really appreciative for those $2 until I got home and saw one of the $100 bills in my wallet was gone. FML

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By Anna - 25/7/2020 05:10

Masterchef

Today, my partner, our 5-month-old baby and I had to go to A&E because my idiot boyfriend mistook dishwasher rinse aid for cooking oil, and cooked a meal for us in it. As I'm breastfeeding, even our baby needed blood tests. FML

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By lizard - Canada

Today, my dad walked in to the arena where I was watching a hockey game with my boyfriend and his friends. My dad was wearing a crazy grey mohawk wig/hat. Meanwhile, my boyfriend just finished telling me how embarassing it would be to be that guy's kid. FML

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By dinkley7 - 20/5/2021 11:00

Where's my coffee?

Today, so far, I’ve been called the c-word, a bitch, and a douche. All by the same person, all because I wouldn't make them coffee at 1 in the morning. We don’t serve coffee until 6 a.m. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the job I've had for eight years, I finally got the raise I was supposed to get a year ago. One hour later I found out the store was closing and we were all out of a job in two weeks. FML

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By Kpotassium - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I noticed that my two cats have been urinating on my Christmas tree skirt more frequently than in their litter box. I've tried to get them to stop, but I don't know how. FML

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By paper towel virgin - United States - Warrensburg

Technologically Challenged

Today, I was using a restroom with automatic sinks and toilets. I assumed the paper towel dispensers were automatic too. I stood there waving my hands like an idiot before a girl walked in, pulled a lever, and made paper towels come out for me. FML

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By Crazy Cat-less Lady

Today, my mom asked me if I was a lesbian because I haven't brought a guy home in over 7 years. Nope. I'm just a crazy cat lady, minus the cats. FML

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By lucywatson - United Kingdom

Today, working as a veterinarian, I received a complaint from a client. He said I sucked at my job, purely because I implied he should have brought his severely ill cat in a lot sooner. Which he should have. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hollywood

Today, I joined a local interest website, hoping to make some friends in my area. I don't think I've ever met so many guys before who introduce themselves with pictures of their cocks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bolingbrook

Today, I was mopping the floor at the hotel I work at. Before I could react, a gentleman stormed through the corridor and slipped and fell on the still wet floor. He complained to the owner, who bitched me out just to satisfy the guy. FML

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By Anon. - United States - Allentown

Today, like every other day my boyfriend and I try and have sex, his dog cried and whined outside of his room until we stopped. She does this all the time and it kills the mood instantly. I can't have sex because of a toy poodle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single and jobless. FML

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By "willkftw"

Today, despite putting all the food in the fridge, taking all the rubbish outside, cleaning the house top to bottom and setting up bait, we're still dealing with a bloody huge ant problem. I've now got a rash all over from being bitten while I sleep. FML

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Top comments

By IssacB | 14

#6595930 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:33

That's pretty intense. Your boss must love you

By TMO2142 | 25

#6595926 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:31

Hey, least that means your work is valuble at where you work.

COMMENTS

By TMO2142 | 25

#6595926 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:31

Hey, least that means your work is valuble at where you work.

By IssacB | 14

#6595930 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:33

That's pretty intense. Your boss must love you

By rockergal21 | 16

#6595940 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:36

at least he cares enough to wonder what happens to you! (:

By LogicalCore | 6

#6595944 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:39

Either your boss really cares about you, or is hellbent on making sure you show up.

By snowmanIam | 8

#6595945 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:40

Maybe, the boss is his lover and she was scared he was hurt.

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6596254 - Wednesday 4 May 2016 0:31

We don't know the gender of the boss, but as far as the OP goes, Coriolis force only affects non-gender fluilds; female up north is the same as female down unda'.

Reply

Phantomsnake | 10

#6596513 - Wednesday 4 May 2016 6:34

I thank God you are not a movie director.

Reply

snowmanIam | 8

#6597009 - Wednesday 4 May 2016 20:00

maybe I am

By Tripartita | 44

#6595969 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 18:05

"Ma'am, there's been reports of a burglar in your area—"
"My god, was anything taken?!"
*puts on sunglasses* "Company time."

Reply

snowmanIam | 8

#6597011 - Wednesday 4 May 2016 20:02

Remember we don't know the gender or the OP

Reply

yerawizardlizzy | 27

#6597207 - Thursday 5 May 2016 1:11

I totally pictured Horatio from CSI Miami when reading that comment.

Also, 22, it makes no difference in this situation.

Reply

snowmanIam | 8

#6598014 - Friday 6 May 2016 1:42

he said ma'am so obviously he is describing the OP. is he not?

By LylliB | 3

#6595972 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 18:07

I love how drug trafficking seems to be the ultimate bad here, outranking murder somehow?

By MidnaLink | 32

#6596016 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 19:08

Okay, it's official. Your boss is either Satan himself, or you have a BIG habit of truancy. Pick one.

Reply

IorvethTheXolo | 8

#6596228 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 23:41

Or OP is known for being punctual and the boss thought something must be wrong for OP to not show up at work on time.

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6596024 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 19:21

That's quite an escort to the office

By sk8erd | 15

#6596033 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 19:31

This is just how I feel... I feel like thats pretty psycho of your boss...