Today, the Australian police woke me up by knocking on my door... - FML

By Love2sleep - 20/4/2013 04:31 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the Australian police woke me up by knocking on my door and yelling my name. I start to panic, imagining the worst: burglars, murder, even drug trafficking. Apparently, I didn’t hear my alarm, so my boss called the cops to come and get me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

761

You deserved it

73

Tweet

Share

Social distancing gone wrong

Fashion Police

Not a cheating!

By ouch - 13/6/2012 16:00 - United States - Lutz

Today, I was cashiering, and a customer's change came to $5.51. She looked pretty stinking rich, so I just gave her $5.50. She demanded the extra penny, and I asked if she really needed it. She said, "No, but they do, asshole," and dropped her $5.51 in the charity donation box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10596

You deserved it

119821

Tweet

Share

By HereWeGoAgain - 22/9/2017 13:00

Romance in Appalachia

Today, my mother beamingly asked for my opinion on her wedding dress. She is engaged to her cousin. Conveniently, they already have the same last name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4035

You deserved it

292

Tweet

Share

By whyme - 10/3/2012 23:37 - United States

Today, my mother screamed and swore at me because I said I was looking to move out soon. Apparently, the idea of me moving out at 27 and her getting a job to pay her own way is devastating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32235

You deserved it

2953

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/9/2015 06:04 - United States - New Albany

Today, I was running late for school and accidentally ran a red light and got pulled over. I couldn't find the registration and was freaking out, when the cop told me that he wouldn't give me a ticket if he could give me some advice. His advice? Don't wear your shirt inside-out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25469

You deserved it

4548

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/3/2016 05:51 - United States - Cortlandt Manor

Today, I brought my best painting yet to college. I showed it off and everyone loved it. Or almost everyone. When we came back from lunch break, we found someone had sharpied the words "JIZZ BUTT" all over it. That painting took two weeks to finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23391

You deserved it

1964

Tweet

Share

By JustSom - 5/5/2015 02:03 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I finally got my 14-year-old son to aim while using the bathroom. If only I could get my husband to do the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29333

You deserved it

3028

Tweet

Share

By gaggin - 26/12/2012 19:30 - United States - Beverly Hills

Today, I woke up to find pieces of a dead spider stuck in my braces. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56043

You deserved it

3970

Tweet

Share

By Tickdick - 24/3/2017 21:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I got out of the shower and noticed a tiny leaf on my penis. With legs. Squirming. I have a new nickname. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4225

You deserved it

528

Tweet

Share

By kewtness_17 - 1/10/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, I got mad at my 4 year old son for cussing me out. Afterwards, I went upstairs to get ready for the day. When I came back downstairs I found him pooping on my brand new leather couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32435

You deserved it

12119

Tweet

Share

By thosedamnkids - 22/1/2012 05:09 - United States

Today, I was working at Staples and organizing some notebooks. All of a sudden, I jumped up because of a sharp pain in my back. A little girl had grabbed a stapler and stapled my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43214

You deserved it

2625

Tweet

Share

By anon - 31/3/2014 22:10 - United States - Chappaqua

Today, my dad got me one of those word locks for my gym locker, for which the password had to be a four-letter word instead of numbers. My dad chose the combo for me. It was "diet". FML

I agree, your life sucks

40061

You deserved it

5745

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 04:38 - United States

Today, I nervously started a new job, and my co-workers were telling me silly rules about our boss. Later, I accidentally bumped into him, and blurted "Rule #7, don't touch George." He definitely heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18277

You deserved it

35601

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/6/2013 22:36 - United Kingdom - Grays

Today, my dad watched his first Lord of the Rings marathon. Now he keeps spouting lines from the movies, and thought it'd be funny to hide in my closet, just to jump out at me screaming, "My precious!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

47893

You deserved it

7545

Tweet

Share

By fmll - 17/12/2011 13:17 - Norway

Today, my boyfriend texted me and said I had forgotten my blue bra. I don't have any blue bras. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45451

You deserved it

3426

Tweet

Share

By johnny121 - 1/1/2010 19:14 - France

Today, I had to go to the hospital. While I was there, my mom started hitting on a doctor. Later I saw them making out in the room next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35918

You deserved it

2642

Tweet

Share

By iamnotuseless - 10/12/2010 11:37

Today, I went to my local pharmacy. Walking in, the security guard rudely asked me what I was going to buy. I brushed him off and walked in. I was paying and told the cashier what happened. She said "Sorry, we get a lot of hobos, they tend to steal." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30770

You deserved it

5063

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/9/2012 21:06 - United States

Today, a creepy girl from my class wouldn't stop texting me and trying to call me. In order to get her to stop, I texted back saying that I was at my mom's house for a family dinner. She replied, "No you're not. I can see you right now." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38344

You deserved it

4311

Tweet

Share

By sayno - 12/11/2010 11:06 - Switzerland

Today, I went to a coffee shop to meet an online date. I couldn't spot him, so he eventually came up and introduced himself. It seems his on-line picture must have been taken before I was born. I spluttered "This isn't going to work," and promptly scuttled out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30964

You deserved it

11277

Tweet

Share

By boob sisters - 2/7/2014 17:01 - United States - Lilburn

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my boobs. I quickly found out that I'd accidentally sent it to my sister instead. She sent me one back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51682

You deserved it

29179

Tweet

Share

By Sandman2015 - 29/1/2016 18:36 - United States - American Fork

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21917

You deserved it

1878

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/12/2011 00:40 - United States

Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8204

You deserved it

48968

Tweet

Share

By FailAtLife - 22/2/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I had a job interview at a restauraunt opening up. One manager hypothetically asked me why I should be hired. I said I was more efficient than most. I left to find I'd locked my keys in the car. It took all the managers to help me get my keys out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13142

You deserved it

33621

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/5/2012 20:33 - United States - Walpole

Today, I was at a restaurant with my kids. I told my 13 year old about how the very first time she said she loved me. She was 2 and it was at this very restaurant. I told her the details and even started tearing up a little. She didn't even look up from her cell phone and said, "That's fab, ma." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32098

You deserved it

8733

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/6/2020 17:01

OK sweaty, time for a bath

Today, I realized my morbidly obese, sweaty sibling is the source of a strange waft I've been smelling when I get home. He'll only shower once a week, so the apartment and furniture smell like sweat and sometimes poo, especially on hot days. I didn't notice until I went outside and stepped back in to follow my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1684

You deserved it

118

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/9/2010 23:10 - United States

Today, my friend asked why I always smell like a dead animal carcass. I have no idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28089

You deserved it

7881

Tweet

Share

By FrickingBusDrivers - 22/5/2015 01:55 - United States - Farmington

Today, I missed my bus. But it didn't miss me. I've been in the hospital for 8 hours with a broken leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31763

You deserved it

2263

Tweet

Share

By Crashed - 1/1/2014 18:21 - United States - Evans

Today, I was T-boned at an intersection. My wife got pissed when I didn't immediately check on her, but rather the other driver. That other driver was my daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60324

You deserved it

5317

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/9/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, while on vacation, I called my home phone to check the messages. Someone answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51021

You deserved it

2801

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/1/2012 19:45 - United States

Today, I spent two hours filling out an online application and questionnaire for a potential employer. The application stated that there were no right or wrong answers and to answer truthfully. I was automatically rejected. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27310

You deserved it

5355

Tweet

Share

By sadcat - 6/2/2010 15:19 - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet. He said he felt a strange lump that could be serious. I got really upset and picked her up, crying. The vet then told me I had to put her down. Absolutely devastated by having to euthanize my cat, I passed out. He meant I had to put her back on the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30937

You deserved it

14719

Tweet

Share

By Poordaughter5 - 6/7/2016 17:21 - Germany

Today, my parents watched a horror movie with some creepy child in it. Apparently, I sound just like that kid when I call for my mom, so now she doesn't want me to call her mom anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11028

You deserved it

759

Tweet

Share

By livvlynette - 27/2/2010 10:15 - Australia

Today, I went to a family funeral. Talking to my grandfather, trying the make chitchat, he says "You're gaining weight, aren't you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

26024

You deserved it

4234

Tweet

Share

By - 19/3/2019 06:00 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, after a 3-month dry spell because I am recovering after having a baby, I was finally in the mood to get intimate with my husband. Foreplay was great, the sex was great until my back gave out right as I was about to cum. I can't move without intense pain. I just wanted to orgasm! FML

I agree, your life sucks

2446

You deserved it

206

Tweet

Share

By Kimmikoto - 31/1/2017 07:00 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, the vet told me that my cat is too fat to be able to wipe her own ass. I had to go Walmart to purchase pet wipes to clean her butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4826

You deserved it

3476

Tweet

Share

By Bambi - 12/8/2009 06:49 - United States

Today, I crashed my car. I saw a deer getting ready to run into the middle of the road, and I was very sleepy, so I panicked and slammed on the brakes, causing me to lose control of the car on the wet road. After I hit a tree, I realized that the deer was a plastic lawn ornament. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20151

You deserved it

46050

Tweet

Share

By Forgotten - 6/9/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I decided to visit my dad. I haven't seen him in a while so I wanted to give him another chance to be an actual dad to me. Apparently, getting drunk and getting it on with his girlfriend while I was there was more important than spending time with his daughter, who he hasn't seen in almost a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47580

You deserved it

4055

Tweet

Share

By stolen - 11/4/2011 19:29 - United States

Today, I was robbed. They took my father's ashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

103834

You deserved it

5331

Tweet

Share

By N - 7/5/2012 09:51 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I asked my dad why there were no photos of me on the wall. He replied, "Every time you disappoint us we burn one." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34662

You deserved it

5314

Tweet

Share

By Sam - 9/2/2011 20:56 - United States

Today, I toured an art museum. Our tour guide had an obvious lisp, so I tried my best not to laugh. When she asked me a question about a sculpture, I accidentally responded "Yeth ma'am". She ended the tour right there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9537

You deserved it

68588

Tweet

Share

By lovely - 26/2/2014 18:53 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be cute to put his penis through a doughnut and try to make me eat it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53964

You deserved it

10547

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By IssacB | 14

#6595930 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:33

That's pretty intense. Your boss must love you

By TMO2142 | 25

#6595926 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:31

Hey, least that means your work is valuble at where you work.

COMMENTS

By TMO2142 | 25

#6595926 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:31

Hey, least that means your work is valuble at where you work.

By IssacB | 14

#6595930 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:33

That's pretty intense. Your boss must love you

By rockergal21 | 16

#6595940 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:36

at least he cares enough to wonder what happens to you! (:

By LogicalCore | 6

#6595944 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:39

Either your boss really cares about you, or is hellbent on making sure you show up.

By snowmanIam | 8

#6595945 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 17:40

Maybe, the boss is his lover and she was scared he was hurt.

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6596254 - Wednesday 4 May 2016 0:31

We don't know the gender of the boss, but as far as the OP goes, Coriolis force only affects non-gender fluilds; female up north is the same as female down unda'.

Reply

Phantomsnake | 10

#6596513 - Wednesday 4 May 2016 6:34

I thank God you are not a movie director.

Reply

snowmanIam | 8

#6597009 - Wednesday 4 May 2016 20:00

maybe I am

By Tripartita | 44

#6595969 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 18:05

"Ma'am, there's been reports of a burglar in your area—"
"My god, was anything taken?!"
*puts on sunglasses* "Company time."

Reply

snowmanIam | 8

#6597011 - Wednesday 4 May 2016 20:02

Remember we don't know the gender or the OP

Reply

yerawizardlizzy | 27

#6597207 - Thursday 5 May 2016 1:11

I totally pictured Horatio from CSI Miami when reading that comment.

Also, 22, it makes no difference in this situation.

Reply

snowmanIam | 8

#6598014 - Friday 6 May 2016 1:42

he said ma'am so obviously he is describing the OP. is he not?

By LylliB | 3

#6595972 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 18:07

I love how drug trafficking seems to be the ultimate bad here, outranking murder somehow?

By MidnaLink | 32

#6596016 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 19:08

Okay, it's official. Your boss is either Satan himself, or you have a BIG habit of truancy. Pick one.

Reply

IorvethTheXolo | 8

#6596228 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 23:41

Or OP is known for being punctual and the boss thought something must be wrong for OP to not show up at work on time.

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6596024 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 19:21

That's quite an escort to the office

By sk8erd | 15

#6596033 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 19:31

This is just how I feel... I feel like thats pretty psycho of your boss...