steefibeso

Today, I was expelled from school. By my own mother. FML

Today, I went out to dinner with my family. I was given a kids menu when the hostess sat us down. I'm 24. FML

Got em

Today, my mother told me she was going out of town this weekend. I reassured her that I would not throw a party. She replied, "Oh, like you have enough friends to do that?" FML

Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML

Sucks to suck

Today, my name was called during an assembly because I'd won some sort of prize. Everyone booed. FML

For science

Today, I was eating cereal and decided to warm it up to see what it tasted like. So, using a candle in the room I placed my spoon over the flame and waited to see if it heated up. Pleased with my silly experiment, I put the spoon back in my mouth. I now can't talk because of my swollen tongue. FML

Catfished

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML

Today, I was on a bike ride when a bug flew into my eye. Not wanting to stop, I figured I would just keep that eye closed until I could cry it out. Five seconds later, a bug flew into my other eye. FML

Thanks, I guess…

Today, my boyfriend took me to his place to meet his parents. When they saw me, they laughed. FML

Method acting

Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML

Today, I got diagnosed with a condition that expresses itself in the form of violent diarrhea whenever I get nervous. Now I am constantly nervous about getting nervous about anything. FML

Today, I ran into a car. I suffered a concussion and broke my nose. I wasn't driving. I walked right into it. It was parked. FML

Today, I was having a playful fight with my brother. I made the point that our dog likes me better than him. To this, my dog jumped onto the sofa, turned to me and vomited on my face. FML

Today, I took my first day off in 3 weeks just so I can sleep in. The office secretary woke me up at 7.12 am with a page wishing me a nice day off. FML

Today, Facebook told me I should reconnect with my husband. FML

Today, I told my mom I was going on a date tonight. She laughed and didn't believe me. When I tried to convince her it was real, she got mad and grounded me for lying. I had to cancel the date. FML

Complicated

Today, I had to look up how to eat a mango on the internet. FML

Close encounter

Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML

Insult to injury

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years left me for a guy whose favorite color is camouflage. FML

Today, I finally realized that the only time my mother talks to me is when she needs money. FML

Today, my aunt and I wanted to do something nice. So we made cookies for a local nursing home. After tasting them, nobody ate any. FML

Today, I met the man of my dreams. Beautiful, smart, academic, charming, a true gentlemen, totally my type. I am at a bar voted "the best gay bar in the world". FML

Today, I moved into my new college apartment for the next year. A 45 year old guy with a mustache in short shorts and no shirt answers the door. He will be one of my roommates. FML

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't fluent in French. FML

Today, my boyfriend forgot our anniversary. But it's okay; I wasn't expecting anything after he forgot my birthday, Valentine's Day, and my name. FML

Today, my mom signed me up for Weight Watchers as a surprise birthday present. FML

Praise the Lord

Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML

Today, after saving up my money for weeks, I went to see my favorite artist in concert with my friends. Two songs in, I passed out, hit my head, and had to have someone drive me home. FML

Today, I came home to a dead fish duct-taped to the wall of my dorm room. I can't reach it. FML