Today, I realized that the fish-shaped birth mark on the back of my leg, that I have had all my life, is not really shaped like a fish as I had originally thought. It looks just like a penis. FML
Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML
Today, I made the discovery that I'm in a true love triangle; both of my girlfriends are dating one another. FML
Today, I went in to the doctor's thinking I had a bladder infection. I walked out knowing I'm pregnant. FML
Today, my son and I attended my mother's funeral. It was the first time he'd been to such an event, so to ease his grief and distract him, I turned on Max and Ruby when we got home. He quickly broke into tears; apparently, it was the episode where Max and Ruby prepare their grandma a special birthday gift. FML
Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML
Today, I rummaged around in the attic, looking for old pictures of me and my family, so I could make a surprise collage. Instead, I found my dad's old journals, talking about how desperately he didn't want a kid, and how he wanted to leave my mother more and more every day that passed since I was born. FML
Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she was bored. During sex. FML
Today, I ate at Chipotle. There was a girl sitting alone, so I asked if I could eat lunch with her. She said yes, and as I sat down I tried to open my bag of chips. When trying to do so, my hand slipped, and I punched myself in the face. She laughed, and promptly left. FML
Today, instead of pushing me away or simply stopping for a minute, my girlfriend kept kissing me as she was trying to get phlegm out of her throat. The slimy goo ended up in the back of my mouth. I can still taste it. FML
Today, I brought home a ukulele I had just bought. Excited, I showed my dad. He then looked at me, smirked, and said "Just like everything else you have, it's a bit smaller than normal." FML
Today, I was so lonely, I wound up talking for two hours to the creep who calls my number every Friday night and makes creepy obscene breathing noises on the other end of the phone. Turns out he's a better listener than my husband. FML
Today, I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!" FML
Today, my mom got me a job working for the man she's cheating on my dad with. My dad doesn't know that she's cheating, and my mom doesn't know that I know. It's just awkward. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that you can get carpal tunnel from masturbating. FML
Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML
Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML
Today, I found out I'm the only one in my family to wash their hands after they use the bathroom. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought a pogo stick. Now he rides it more than he rides me. FML
Today, I slipped on the wet floor at work and sprained my wrist badly. I was carrying the wet floor sign so no one would slip. FML
Today, I pretended like I was dead to my 4 year-old brother. He cried my name for a couple of seconds, then took my iPhone out of my hands and ran away laughing. FML
Today, I put a tampon in. The string broke. I had to go to the hospital to get it out. FML
Today, at work, a little girl was misbehaving. Her dad told her that she would look like me when she grows up. The little girl look horrified while Daddy laughed and kept reassuring her he was "just kidding." FML
Today, while I was running in a cross country meet, a bug flew into my right eye. Then, a bug flew into my left eye. Not wanting to lose a neck-and-neck sprint, I tried to run blind. I hit a pole. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting for him to get out of the shower. Bored, I sent my friend a picture of myself pretending to make out with his bear rug. After the photo shoot, I looked in the doorway to find his dad staring at me. FML
Today, after doing it with my girlfriend, she told me that she was "faking the whole time, and thinking of talking cupcakes." FML
Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML
Today, it was my boyfriend's parents' anniversary so I thought I'd do something to impress them. I made them chocolate-covered strawberries. But for some reason they gave me really dirty looks when they saw it. Turns out his mother is allergic to strawberries and his father is allergic to chocolate. FML
Today, my doctor told me I had "abnormally large breasts." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a 20 year old man. FML
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