Mr Hampshire, UK 41 years-old In a relationship
Today, after spending five years regaining contact with my estranged father, I finally met him. I tearfully dropped my luggage and ran to hug him. He belched and told me to get in the car, because he had diarrhea. FML
Today, the coworker I've had a crush on for the past few months asked me if I was busy Friday night. I was so excited, I immediately replied, "I thought you'd never ask!" He gave me a funny look and said, "Good, because I need you to take my shift." FML
Today, it was my wedding day. When my soon-to-be-husband was saying his vows, he didn't say my name. He said his mother's. FML
Today, what I thought would be a romantic sleepover with the guy I like quickly turned into hell on earth when his girlfriend showed up. I had to scale the fire escape in my underwear so I could get back to my car in one piece. FML
Today, my girlfriend's parents took pictures of my tattoos to make sure I'm "not affiliated with any gangs." I have never even been arrested. FML
Today, I called in to my girlfriend's favorite radio station to propose. After spending what seemed like an eternity telling her how much I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, she took a deep breath, said, "How about no?" and hung up. FML
Today, I discovered that I sometimes talk in my sleep. After spending an amazing, perfectly romantic night with my boyfriend, I woke up to him telling me to leave. I have no idea what I could have said. He still won't talk to me. FML
Today, I found out why I can't sleep at night. My wife switched my sleep aid pills with energy pills. FML
Today, I was at a Chinese buffet, and I got a fortune cookie. I opened it, and it said, "The love of your life is sitting across from you". The only thing across from me was an empty chair. FML
Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. To celebrate, I spent the day with her and then took her out to a really nice dinner. She is currently giving me the silent treatment because I didn't write "Happy Birthday" on her Facebook wall. FML
Today, I went out with a friend to grab some food and we were served by this really cute and fun waiter. Stepping out of my comfort zone and deciding to do something crazy, I left my phone number on the bill. I got home only to realize that I forgot to pay the bill. FML
Today, I went to an amusement park with a group of friends, one of whom was a girl I really like. When we got on the roller coaster, I was ecstatic that she wanted to sit next to me. Not even half-way through, I ended up puking all over the both of us. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who I've loved and dated for over a year, confessed that she's actually straight as an arrow. All this time, she's basically been using me as an accessory to enhance her "social status" and make her guy friends horny. FML
Today, I was debating with my now ex-boyfriend over the ethics of using torture in interrogations of suspected criminals. It took just ten minutes before he freely admitted that he'd have no problem "torturing the shit" out of me if he even suspected I was seeing another man. FML
Today, I was watching a movie alone with my girlfriend. She shifted positions as I put my arm around her, and ended up kneeing me in the crotch and shouldering me in the throat simultaneously. FML
Today, I invited my girlfriend over to a family lunch, planning to propose to her at just the right moment. My family was in on it, including my apparently disapproving mom, who kept causing a scene to grab my girlfriend's attention every time I went to pull out the ring. FML
Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my grandma, who's tried to ruin every relationship to date, stood up and shouted that "it ain't right", "you're too good for her", and claimed my fiancée has been cheating on me, before she was finally ejected from the building. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. He now argues that he should keep the dog. We only dated for three months, and I've had the dog since I was ten. FML
Today, my cheating, psycho asscricket of an ex texted me and asked me back out. I said no, and didn't think any more of it, at least until an hour later, when I looked out my window, only to see him smearing a bag of dog crap all over my porch. FML
Today, my fiancée showed me her wedding plans. It will be themed on one of her video games, the best man will be dressed as an alien warlord, and the vows talk about how we'll beat the odds and be blessed by the "Goddess Kalahira". Apparently, I have no say in this. FML
Today, wanting to be romantic, I came home with flowers, and told my girlfriend that I loved her and that I never wanted us to fall apart. Before I could finish my second sentence, she farted, said, "Aww, that's so sweet" and quickly excused herself to go to the bathroom. FML
Today, I got a phone call out of the blue from a young man, who screamed that he was going to kill me for sleeping with his fiancée. I told him I am a 49-year-old man who hasn't been laid since my wife passed away, four years ago. He stammered, shouted "Well she was a slut too" and hung up. FML
Today, I found myself trying to explain to my puppy why I'm still single. I think I just found out why. FML
Today, I realized just how messed up my life is, thanks to all the scare stories my wife sees on Dr Phil. She's now convinced that I'll start beating her someday. She's started taking martial arts classes, and threatens to use her skills every time I get even slightly frustrated with her. FML
Today, my boyfriend again accused me of cheating on him. This time, it was because I delayed replying to his text message so I could feed my pet. Apparently I'm fucking my pet toad now. Jesus. FML
Today, I realized how much I hate my girlfriend, when I got excited as the doctor told me I should refrain from having sex for the next two months. FML
Today, after my shift at the police station, I went on a date with a girl I recently met. We had a great date, that is until I opened the car door for her, and out of habit, pushed down on her head as she got in. FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend is only with me because I'm a mechanic and I fix her constantly broken-down car for free. FML
Today, my friends set me up on a blind date. I thought it went well, and while saying our goodbyes, I leaned in to give her a kiss. She pulled way, laughed, "I'm not drunk enough for that," and left. FML
Today, I was training a new girl at work. We're always told to find "common interests" with the people we are training to make it less awkward for them. Little did I know that our "common interest" would turn out to be my boyfriend. FML
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