Today, McDonalds charged me 21 cents for a honey mustard packet. The jerk manager made me break a $50 bill. So I grabbed all their napkins, carried them into the parking lot and tossed them all into the air in protest and drove off. Down the road, I realized I left my wallet at the counter. FML
Today, I got a call from my son's second grade teacher. He happens to write and throw with both hands, and wanted to share this during show and tell. Apparently, he didn't know the word for this is ambidextrous, because his teacher told me, "Your son just told the whole class that he's bisexual!" FML
Today, it took me more than four hours to set up the back yard for my daughter's baby shower. It only took my husband one push of a button to turn on the sprinklers. FML
Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML
Today, I learned that when blender jars aren't locked, they fly off the blender, into the air, hit you in the head and explode all over your kitchen. Today, I also learned that after I'm attacked by a flying blender, the first thing my boyfriend asks is if I'm still gonna make him a smoothie. FML
Today, our favorite teacher walked into our history class and everyone started whistling, I decided to join in by screaming, "Sexy!" The room went quiet and all heads turned to me. FML
Today, I went to Burger King. I was sipping the drink and put it on my window sill to save for later. I fell asleep, and when I woke up my mouth was dry. I took a sip and felt something go into my mouth. Thinking it was an ice cube, I bit down on it. It was not an ice cube. It was a cockroach. FML
Today, I found out that a co-worker of mine that I had originally hired, trained, and mentored to work in my department for the past 4 years had just got the promotion that I had applied for. He is now my boss. FML
Today, I walked into a gas station and saw some $.25 gum. It looked good and I thought I had a quarter in my pocket. I found no change in my pocket once I got to the register, so I pulled out my credit card. The cashier laughed a few seconds later when my card was declined for a piece of gum. FML
Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML
Today, I was riding my bike on the side of the road because there was no sidewalk. Then a car with a loud horn honked at me. Pissed off, I turned around and screamed "shut the fuck up!" It was my girlfriend's parents saying hi. FML
Today, I had a consultation for an upcoming surgery I need done. The doctor (who is very handsome and in his late twenties) asked me to flex my stomach and act like I was trying to use the bathroom. As I was enjoying him touching my stomach, I farted. FML
Today, I was going to bleach my bikini line, as I have not been able to shave there due to some ingrown hairs, and I also have to lifeguard every day. As it turns out, I'm allergic to the bleach. There is now an angry red, burning rash on my crotch that you can see around my swimsuit. FML
Today, I found some Nesquick Chocolate Milk mix in my pantry which sounded good. While making a glass, I got angry because not all of the mix would disolve. Frustrated, I downed the drink. When I finished I looked in the glass and realized the mix that wouldn't disolve was actually tiny ants. FML
Today, I was chatting with an amazing guy online. He was perfect for me. After five hours he told me he loved me and I said it back. So than we decided to trade nudes. I sent mine. Within two seconds my niece calls, laughing her ass off, telling me how weird my birthmark is. FML
Today, I was walking down the street, when a man behind me tapped me on the shoulder. He gave a $5 bill and said that he thought I had dropped it. Not having the integrity to turn him down, I took it. I spent the next 20 minutes being chased by a crazy hobo who claimed that it was his. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend is cheating on me, with the same guy I was cheating on him with. FML
Today, my boyfriend returned from a 2-month internship in New York. As I saw him exit the plane, I imagined him running to me and kissing/spinning me around passionately like in movies. He got closer and closer, and as I opened my arms to embrace him, he runs past me saying, "BRB, I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT." FML
Today, I bought a CD off a man who always plays Spanish guitar in the subway. When I got to work and tried playing the CD, it was blank. I paid $15 for a blank CD. FML
Today, I was eating a croissant. After eating half of it and was about to take another bite, a spider crawled out of one of the holes of flaky deliciousness and descended down a thread of web to the table, where it scuttled away. There was a whole family of them living in there. FML
Today, my friend thought it would be funny to put a pretzel on my forehead while I was sleeping on the beach. I now have a pretzel-shaped tan line in the middle of my head. FML
Today, I was going to check out my secret condom stash. When I looked inside, I found a note. The note read: "Thanks hun, I really needed this. Love, Mom". FML
Today, I used a public bathroom. I hung my purse up on the hook on the door. Two minutes later, a hand reaches over the door and steals my purse. I got robbed while taking a crap. FML
Today, I had to wait outside Starbucks. While standing, I started daydreaming and didn't notice I had been staring at a table beside the window for a long time. Suddenly, someone came up to me and said, "Try not to be so obvious." Sitting at the table was a girl with a huge cleavage. FML
Today, I had a serious allergic reaction to the food I ate at a Chinese restaurant that supposedly didn't contain peanuts. According to my waitress, peanut oil "doesn't count". FML
Today, I had an important Powerpoint presentation for ALL the big execs at work. It seems that during my lunch break, my boyfriend IMed me on my Mac, saying, "Feeling so horny right now, come home for a quicky like last week?" I didn't see it until the presentation. So did the executives. FML
Today, I was at the gym running with intensity on the treadmill. As I was working out, I noticed a few guys behind me staring at me. I figured they were checking me out because I was losing some weight and looking better. Turns out they were betting on how much longer "Fat Ass" could last. FML
Today, I pulled up next to my boyfriend at a stoplight. He was in the back of a police car. FML
Today, my dad's boss called our house and I answered. He said, "Is your dad home?" I replied, "I'll go check." I put the phone on mute and asked my dad if he wanted to talk to his boss. My dad says, "Does that asshole not have a life?" Turns out the phone wasn't on mute, it was on speaker. FML
Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday and I saw he was logged in on ooVoo. He sent me a request to video chat so I decided to take off all of my clothes to surprise him. Little did I know, his entire family was at his house and at the computer because he, "wanted to show them what a great girlfriend I am." FML
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