Mr Yuba City, United States 46 years-old
Today, I was called a bitch and "freaky as hell" because I don't like watermelon. I'm sorry, but just because I'm black doesn't mean I like watermelon. FML
Today, I went to my friend's little brother's birthday party. A few of the younger kids were hitting me with a pool noodle, and I didn't really care until a 9-year-old loudly exclaimed, "Hit her in the pussy!" FML
Today, my dad told my mom to hurry up or they'd miss the start of their concert. She said, "I'm coming, I'm coming…" and without thinking, I blurted out, "That's what she said." They're super religious, and I'm now grounded till January. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that I don't have a "grippy vagina" after he slipped out for the third time. FML
Today, my wife discovered Cosmopolitan magazine, and now only wants to have sex if I agree to try some of their sex tips. I fear for my genitals. FML
Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling and reassembling it) in my new room, because I couldn't find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML
Today, my two favorite things in the world are Pizza and Beer... I now discover I have Celiac and can't have either. FML
Today, I was offered a job. It only took me a year and 17 interviews to get an offer, and I have a PhD. FML
Today, I masturbated 3 times to the thought of my wife because we don't have sex anymore. FML
Today, I drunk dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk that I thought the KGB was coming after me. When I woke up this morning, my mom told me that she's no longer paying for college. FML
Today, I saw my mom sneaking meat into her spaghetti sauce. She told me she sneaks meat into most of the food she cooks. I've been a vegetarian for 8 years. FML
Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was moving his hand from his thigh to my chest but on the way he sort of squeezed my stomach. When I asked him why he did that, he told me that "his fingers got stuck under my roll." FML
Today, I went into my older brother's room to get a condom. This happened the other day too when my boyfriend forgot one. So I went in and there was a note that said, "Stop using my condoms. And your boyfriend sounds like a girl when he climaxes." FML
Today, I was the first one to wear the ugly corporate shirts we received. The people in my office, all of them guys, were all saying that it looked a lot better than they thought it would. Later that day I went to the toilet and saw that the shirt gapes open in front and you could see my boobs. FML
Today, I gave a big presentation at work. The manager decided to video tape it. I went through my presentation with ease and was confident I did a good job. My confidence was then lowered after watching the tape. Apparently, my boobs are much more interesting than what I had to say. FML
Today, I bought my girlfriend an iPhone. I preloaded it with a bunch of cool apps and stuff and spent a lot and money. She used it to send a text to me 3 hours later saying that she thought we should break up. FML
Today, I tried to take off my girlfriend's bra. When I finally unhooked it, it snapped back and hit me in the eye. FML
Today, I came home from work and had to pee so badly that I ran to the bathroom and ripped my pants down. My touch screen phone dropped from my pocket and started calling my boyfriend. Since I couldn't quite reach the phone, I left a message of me peeing on his cell. FML
Today, while reading some chemistry notes, I came across the term "solid water". Completely stumped, I asked myself, "What the hell is solid water?" Then I heard my little cousin say, "Ice." I'm a 4th year science major in university. He still checks the closet for monsters. FML
Today, I was working Customer Service at Walmart. An elderly lady came to my register to return a pair of white pants. I asked her what was wrong with them and she replied, "Even when I had underwear on you could still see my pubic hair." The pants had hair on them. FML
Today, I finally got into a yoga class with the instructor I've been crushing on for 2 years. As he walked closer to greet me, I lifted my leg over my head into a full split, and queefed obnoxiously loud. He responded with his gag reflex. FML
Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML
Today, I was on a train when an old man standing next to me very obviously checked me out, caught my eye, and winked. He spent the next five minutes rubbing his penis against my leg. When I turned to tell him off, the train lurched, and the old man fell face first into my breasts. FML
Today, I thought it would be sexy to cook dinner in lingerie. Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was cooking. I jumped and burned my boobs with boiling cooking oil. FML
Today, I was riding in the car with my boyfriend. While he was driving, I held out my hand as an offer for him to hold it. Instead, he grabs me by the wrist and shoves my hand down his pants. Lovely. FML
Today, I learned that my wife had an affair with another guy. She met him while we were on a trip in another state for marriage counseling. The reason we were in marriage counseling was because she had no desire for sex, and we had gone for two years without it. FML
Today, I turned on my boyfriend's computer and saw pictures of all of my credit cards, front and back, and several of my parent's credit cards. I looked in his e-mail and found receipts for items which had been billed to me and delivered to him, including golf clubs and my birthday gift. FML
Today, I wanted to make love with my boyfriend for the first time. I wanted everything to be perfect. The CD kept skipping, the rose petals had ants all over them, and he couldn't get it up. FML
Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML
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