Miss yyc, Canada It's complicated
Today, my boyfriend dumped me by text at 1:30 am because he didn't want to give me "the dread of answering a phone call." When I asked him for an explanation, his reply was, "For what?" FML
Today, I wanted to freshen up my room, so I bought some Febreze. Standing on my bed, I began to spray, not noticing that the air vent directly across was turned on. The spray came directly back at me. The doctor says that the irritation in my eyes may last for several days. FML
Today, I was holding my 3 year old brother, and apparently he thinks it's hilarious to pull my tank top down and scream ''BOOBS!'' in public. FML
Today, I was speaking to an old friend and I asked her how her mother was. She replied, "She passed away, you came to her funeral last month." FML
Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML
Today, I came back from a holiday and the friend who'd been looking after my cats returned my spare key. When I wanted to put some relaxing music on, I noticed that he'd switched most of my CDs around in their cases. I have over a thousand of them. Very funny, thanks. FML
Today, I found out that the money my husband and I gave to my son for university courses, has instead been spent on pole dancing lessons. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My fiancé decided to give me the gift of "freedom." That's how he put it, anyway. FML
Today, after a nice swim at the local pool, I ran into a naked girl in the showers. She screamed, kicked me in the nuts and ran off. I still have no clue what she was doing in the men's shower room. FML
Today, I installed an alarm app on my phone. Turns out, to unlock the phone and get the ringing to stop, I have to answer a maths question. It took me ten minutes to get it right. FML
Today, I had to ask my mum not to meditate while driving. FML
Today, I went to the dorm showers to use the facilities. As I was getting in the shower, I slipped and landed face first into a puddle. It wasn't water. FML
Today, I received the results of the exams that I re-took in order to improve my grades. I got exactly the same grades as before in all four exams. Point for point identical. FML
Today, I was locked out of my house and had to pee. I waited an hour for my boyfriend to come home. When I saw him pull into the driveway, I peed myself in excitement. FML
Today, my dad insisted on having a family movie night. He chose the movies Jaws and Mayday. I'm going on a diving expedition tomorrow. FML
Today, I found out that when my girlfriend said she gave up sex for lent, it was just with me and not my brother. FML
Today, I realized my daughter has been in longer relationships than I have. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a $100 gift card for Victoria's Secret. Suspicious, I checked the receipt he'd left in the bag. Turns out he had bought it during the two weeks we were broken up for some other girl who rejected him, so decided to give it to me instead. FML
Today, my mother made me see the doctor to see if I had irritable bowel syndrome, on the account of how often I go to the restroom. I then had to admit I only go in there to get away from my family. My doctor thought it was hilarious. My mom didn't. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious conversation about our future. Somehow it turned into a 10-minute discussion about what time of day we usually take a crap. FML
Today, a guy asked me out and said he was going to take me to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you. I love Japanese food, so I was really excited. We went to Subway. FML
Today, I freaked out because of the smell of rotting eggs lingering in my apartment. I soon discovered it was my boyfriend's feet. FML
Today, I was waiting in line for what seemed like forever at the only open lane at the grocery store. The guy in front of me took his sweet time and had multiple cards rejected, before finally pulling out a $100 bill and demanding exact change. He was buying a carton of milk. FML
Today, my mom started dipping into my college savings, just so she can continue throwing money away on visiting a medium who claims she can channel the spirit of our recently-deceased family dog. FML
Today, there was a mandatory staff-wide "cleaning party" for a corporate inspection. I was assigned the outside bar which is infested with full-grown roaches with wings. FML
Today, I got a one-inch fish bone stuck in my throat. I went to the doctor, who claimed he couldn't see the long white thing embedded next to my tonsil. He charged me $70, and told me to eat some bread. I had to pull it out myself with a pair of tweezers. FML
Today, while watching TV with my wife, I realized that we were still watching "My Little Pony" even though the kids had been asleep for half an hour. FML
Today, I made my brother go to the grocery store to get some frozen pizzas. Ten minutes after he left, the power cut out. Still no power. Still hungry. FML
Today, I faked my age to win a colouring competition. I just turned 19. FML
Today, my son tried to swat a fly with a hammer. Our apartment walls are now littered with dents and holes. FML
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