Today, my boyfriend and I were playing around. He threw me over his shoulder and turned around, smacking my face against the wall. Then he smacked my head into the fridge after turning round to see "what that loud bang" was. FML
Today, I was run over by my own car as I tried to push it out of a snowbank. FML
Today, I was in a very crowded train coming home from work. I saw a cute guy sitting across from me. As I lifted my one leg to hook it over my other leg, I let out a loud fart. All I could do was sit there and wait for my stop. FML
Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer asked me to give 5 adjectives describing myself. I listed 7. The last one being "listener." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on. My boyfriend noticed that every time I'm about to climax, I hit my head on something. Whether it's a wall or his face. FML
Today, I got a call from Red Cross about the blood donation I gave last week. They informed me that I have Hepatitis C. FML
Today, I planned on introducing my fiancé to my parents. After the introductions, and telling him how I hoped our relationship would have the same amount of love and commitment that has lasted my mother and father for 25 years, my parents awkwardly announced their imminent divorce. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years has been cheating on me with a Realtor. The same Realtor who helped me sell my condo so I could move in with my boyfriend. FML
Today, I received a bouquet of flowers from my boyfriend, which is something he's never done before. Unfortunately, this was his way of apologizing for cheating on me. FML
Today, I took a busy train into the city. I was lucky enough to get a seat. People were forced to stand in the aisle in front of me, and the person directly opposite me, whose butt was level with my head farted in my face. Twice. FML
Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML
Today, I went shopping for a nice outfit to wear for a job interview. A fake job interview. One that I just made up so my mother would get off my case about finding a job. I don't know which is sadder, the fact that I can't get a job, or that my mother actually believed me about the interview. FML
Today, I puked up a centipede. FML
Today, as my girlfriend and I were making love, and she started to moan and groan. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "I'm lying, you suck at this." FML
Today, I was complimented on my hat by two different people. I wasn't wearing a hat. FML
Today, while driving with my three year-old, I was showing her the different kinds of birds. I pointed out a bright red cardinal perched in a row of hedges. She squealed as it took flight, so happy to see such a brightly colored birdie fly. Until it hit my windshield. FML
Today, my boyfriend caught me in a lie about being on my period. He memorized my menstrual cycle, but still forgot that today is my birthday. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that if I had a penis, our relationship would be better. FML
Today, a total stranger on the bus called me hideous and threw a soda in my face. I only asked him if the seat next to him was taken. FML
Today, I learned why my boyfriend of 10 months and I never hang out at his place. He still lives at home with his mother. He's 38. FML
Today, after being terrified for years, I went on a plane for the first time. It was also the first time I "emergency landed." FML
Today, my wife didn't say a word to me because her horoscope told her not to. FML
Today, while at my boxing gym, an old man came inside and did the oddest drunk dance in order to serenade me. I'm a fighter and fine with taking punches to the face, but froze in terror at the sight of this. FML
Today, I woke up to the feeling of someone tickling my back. I quickly realized I haven't been touched in so long that I was smiling to flies landing on me in my sleep. FML
Today, I went out with a guy I really liked for the first time. He tried to hold my hands, only to be stopped by my mum, jumping out from nowhere saying "Oh no you don't!" before slapping him. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML
Today, I introduced my new boyfriend to my parents. Everyone knows he's into the emo scene, but this didn't stop my dad from slowly looking him up and down, then saying, completely deadpan, "You never told us you were a lesbian, honey." FML
Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year-old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML
Today, I was dared to walk home through a rough part of town. My rep hung in the balance, so I accepted. A kid kicked a football in my direction, so I kicked it back at him hard. It hit him in the nuts, and the next thing I know, I'm running for my life from three bald, shirtless, six-packed thugs. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I had dinner at my boss's house. Just before we were ready to eat, my girlfriend came to me with a desperate look in her eyes. Apparently, she took a dump, clogged the toilet, and it flooded. I took the hit for her, and now my boss thinks I'm a jackass. FML
Today, I went to a dinner party. I had a bad stomach, so I made a dash to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door. While I was in, I heard some voices outside. In a panic, my reflex was to get up and lock the door. I did so, while simultaneously shitting all over myself. FML
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