hamsterz

Today, I found out that my boyfriend owns and wears more thongs than I do. FML

Today, my cell phone broke. It wouldn't even turn on. I went online to access my account so that I could order a new phone. I couldn't remember my password. The phone company had an option of "forgot my password". Upon clicking I get a message saying "Your password will be sent to your phone". FML

The Nutcracker

Today, I was at a ballet recital with my friend, sitting between her and the mother of the head male ballerina. When he came on stage in obscenely tight white tights I whispered to my friend, "You can see his whole freaking package!" I'd whispered to the wrong side. FML

Kinky

Today, I got home from work and heard the shower in my bathroom running. Thinking my wife was taking a shower, I got completely undressed and walked in. My wife wasn't in the shower. Instead, I found my daughter and her boyfriend in the shower, making out. There was an awkward moment of silence. FML

Have a good one!

Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

Today, I learned that when you put duct tape over your mouth because you are bored, it really hurts taking it off. FML

Never enough

Today, I wanted to spend the day cleaning my room. My mom thinks that I was lying just to stay home, so she yelled at me to go to her shop. At the shop, she yelled at me for not being any help. When we got home she yelled at me for having a messy room. FML

Sorry…

Today, my friend and I offered a hot girl a lift home from campus. I was sitting in the passenger seat and she climbed in behind me. As I adjusted my seat forward to give her more leg room, my friend pulled off - slamming my seat back into her legs. FML

Today, I got grounded because I didn't go to my dog's birthday party. FML

Today, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML

Today, the woman giving me a manicure found a booger under one of my fingernails. FML

Eau de toilette

Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out, shaking water off her hands. Some of it landed on my face, and I just wiped it off. Then she said to her friend who was waiting for her, "The sink's broken. Can I use your hand sanitizer?" So what landed on my face? FML

Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

Today, I bought a Halloween costume for my cat. FML

Today, I burned my tongue. With a flat iron. FML

Today, I spent about 10 minutes searching frantically for my cell phone, while holding it up to my ear and talking to my friend about my plans tonight. FML

Prank protip

Today, my brother put pepper spray on my toilet paper. FML

What what?

Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I'd parked in my driveway. FML

He's got the moves

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to viciously rip off my thong. My ass crack is numb. FML

Not now, Cooper

Today, I got a boner at the dentist's. FML

Today, I woke up excited to go trick-or-treating, the treat being candy. Instead, my town has officially postponed Halloween due to blackouts. I guess this is where the trick comes in. FML

Today, I learned how much it hurts to put a mint up your nose. FML

Asshats

Today, I got shot at. Not by police, but by a hunter. While at work. Driving a garbage truck. How the hell a hunter mistook an orange-clad garbageman in a truck for a deer is beyond me. FML

Today, my baby son latched onto my nipple for a feed, after a month of having to be bottle fed because he wouldn't latch. This would be fantastic, if it weren't for the fact that I'm his father, not his mother. FML

Hot boy summer

Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML

Today, I got into a car accident. The other party left the scene immediately after without exchanging insurance information. Deer can be so rude. FML

Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML

Today, I switched from pads to tampons. It took me several botched attempts trying insert one before I succeeded, and now I feel like I've just raped myself. FML

Today, I had to slowly explain to my daughter why her Facebook profile isn't a valid piece of ID. FML