Miss Coco Cay, Bahamas 31 years-old
Today, I was mistaken for a male prostitute because I was walking home while wearing my speedo after a swim in the public pool. I was arrested and had to stay in a room full of convicts for 4 hours. Still in a speedo. FML
Today, I was walking around in the mall when I dropped my purse. When I bent down to pick it up, some guy came up behind me, humped my ass, then ran away laughing. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using Lady GaGa lyrics. FML
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. After removing my underwear, he started singing "In the jungle, the mighty jungle..." FML
Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because she said I was more of a woman than she was. I yelled out, "I HATE YOU!" and started to cry. She then took a tampon out of her purse, handed it to me, laughed, and walked away. FML
Today, I was showing a house to a couple who were interested in buying. At least they "were" interested until they opened the blinds, looked out of the bedroom window and saw the neighbor on the toilet taking a dump. He was naked. He was hairy. He smiled and waved. FML
Today, while on my run, I saw a middle-aged man sleeping near a business condo. I approached him and asked if he was "ok." He grabbed my leg, held onto it with a death-grip, and moped about how horrible his life was - for ten minutes. At least the weather was nice. FML
Today, I celebrated my birthday. My mom invited a bunch of my relatives over, and they started telling funny stories of when I was a kid. My mom decided that then was an appropriate time to talk about how she caught me looking at porn the other night. FML
Today, my 20 year-old son thought it would be funny to unbuckle my seat belt while the cops were right beside us. FML
Today, I was repainting the walls in my room. While painting, I noticed a dark spot on the wall that wouldn't seem to go away no matter how much paint I put on it. A bucket of paint and hours later, I realized that "dark spot" was a shadow. FML
Today, I woke up to my English bulldog standing over me, getting ready to pee. I didn't move in time. FML
Today, I got married. During the reception my husband got drunk and told 200+ people that we met at a dingy bar and that we "totally banged" all night. I don't know what's worse, the fact he embarrassed me in front of everyone I know, or if it was that that was not how we met. Not even close. FML
Today, my grandmother told me she would pay for me to get a nose job. I never thought there was a problem with my nose. FML
Today, I was at a red light when the guy next to me gave me that look people give when they want a street race. I won, but I should've seen the word "Sheriff" written on the side of his car. FML
Today, I was coaching at a swim meet. I heard a few of my swimmers screaming about a huge wasp on my head, so I told everyone to stay calm because we didn't want to upset the wasp. Unfortunately, I was interrupted by another coach from our team hitting me repeatedly on the head with a clipboard. FML
Today, while I was at work, I heard one of my employees laughing on the phone. I told him to shut up and get back to work. Turns out he was actually crying because his father had just died. FML
Today, I pretended to go for a run to impress someone on AIM. FML
Today, I finally finished painting a house that took me 3 weeks to complete at 10 hours a day, including weekends, due to my dedication to perfection. When I went to meet with the homeowner for pay day, which was supposed to be $2000, he gave me $200, 5 tacos and then told me to "get the f*** off my lawn." FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to visit me at work. With another girl. FML
Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML
Today, the cute guy I met on Halloween finally decided to meet up with me after almost 10 months of phone calls, IM, and emails. He was noticeably disappointed and said I looked different. On Halloween I had full face zombie makeup. FML
Today, I heard on a local radio a song I wrote almost 2 years ago. Apparently, after my family and I moved away, my former band found a new guitar player, and that song is now the first single of their debut LP. FML
Today, I start work in an office, with my mother. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML
Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML
Today, my boyfriend finally got a job. As a clown. FML
Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML
Today, I went to an elementary school for volunteer work. I was asked to read to a group of kids during one of the classes. Before I started reading, a girl raised her hand and asked me if I had a boyfriend and if I was single. I asked her why and she said "My daddy wanted to know." I'm 16. FML
Today, my 24 year old girlfriend plugged her ears and stomped her feet while making really loud noises in our local video store. She then refused to stop until I agreed to rent and watch The Notebook with her. FML
Today, my husband discovered that whispering anything in my ear will turn me on. He turned to me and whispered 'cheeseburger' in my ear. Unfortunately, I moaned. Now he now laughs about it with our roommate. FML
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