Today, I got home from work to find an eviction notice taped to my door, stating that I was a nuisance and had 30 days to vacate the property. I live at home with my parents. FML
Today, it was my first day as a promoted manager. I got fired for being late. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to pick his nose for him. FML
Today, my parents finally invited my boyfriend over for dinner. Everything was going great until my mother asked him his profession. He stuffed his mouth full of lasagna, snorted, and then responded, "I clean shit for a living." FML
Today, my wife got her second kidney stone in a month. I gave her some pills to help with the pain. An hour later she started hallucinating, pulled down her pants and tried to pee on our couch. FML
Today, I looked deep into my wife's eyes and told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. Her reply was, "Clean your glasses." FML
Today, the highlight of my day was someone prank-calling me. FML
Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML
Today, I was in a store with my dad. He completely lost his temper and began yelling at the store owners. For some reason, he then removed his shirt in protest. FML
Today, I tried to contact my birth mother, who abandoned me when I was three weeks old. After months of tracing, I finally plucked up the courage to call her. She told me to "f*ck off and die". FML
Today, I went on my first date in months. My mum had invited friends over, and when I told them I was going out on a date, my mum said "No you're not, don't lie. Who would go out with you?" FML
Today, I had a snowball fight with a friend. In the midst of the game, I stole her hat and put it on my head, ignoring her pleas. Apparently, she was trying to say she had head lice. I can now verify that. FML
Today, I was getting my chest waxed. The woman dipped the stick into the wax and hit her elbow, making wax fall into my eyes. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend purposely makes me cry because it makes him feel special. FML
Today, my boss sent me home from work because she saw me not checking under my customer's cart to see if they had any hidden groceries. I didn't check because the customer threatened to "kick my ass" if I "accused him of stealing" by checking. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and badly needed to pee. Just as I was about to say I had to go to the bathroom, my boyfriend suddenly put his hands around my stomach and picked me up. He hit just the right spot, causing me to empty my bladder then and there. FML
Today, my mom duly informed me I'm the reason people have middle fingers. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me to stuff my bra before going to a party with him and his friends because he didn't want to be embarrassed. FML
Today, I discovered after four hours of vomiting that it is very much possible to vomit so hard you can't help but shit in your trousers. My boyfriend is currently staying over, too. FML
Today, my dad told me he had been seeing someone for a while and has decided to marry her. When I met her, her son looked familiar. I lost my virginity to him. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to re-enact a scene from Family Guy. He locked me in the car with him and farted deadly ones repeatedly. He wouldn't let me out until I learned to "love the gas." FML
Today, feeling melancholic, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend about my foot phobia. To help me "get over it", he took his socks off, pinned me down, and rubbed his foot against my face until I started sobbing. FML
Today, I found out that the girl who my high school boyfriend cheated on me with is now the woman my husband is having an affair with. FML
Today, my cat sneezed directly into my open eyeball. FML
Today, I was in gym class talking to a guy I like. My friend then decided to come up behind me and pants me, pulling down my underwear along with them. His only comment? "Someone needs to shave." FML
Today, my mum is convinced I'm a hoarder. While I was out of the house, she went through my room and threw out stuff I "don't need." This included $500 worth of textbooks, a flash drive with crucial work on it, and my phone charger. FML
Today, I woke up early to go to church with my parents. When I got in the car, I was struck with the worst diarrhea I've ever had in my life. My parents told me I'd be cleaning the car out when we got there, because if we turned around, we'd be late. FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate flat-ironing his pubic hair. FML
Today, I was drinking a bottle of water. My friend came up from behind and scared me, causing me to inhale and choke on the water. Lacking air, I passed out. I awoke to him on the ground laughing his ass off. I almost drowned drinking a bottle of water. FML
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