kitkat98_fml

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I had a penis, our relationship would be better. FML

Today, I bought an otter box. While setting up my iPhone, I dropped it and it is now shattered. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out while she was laying on me. Her little brother walked in, saw us and yelled, "Mom they're swallowing each other!" FML

Pile on

Today, I saw a turtle on the road so I swerved, and hit a tree. The people behind me then hit the turtle. FML

Today, I was hanging out with a guy that I really like. When he gave me a hug goodbye, he slid his hand into the back pocket of my jeans. It was glorious until I farted on his hand. FML

Today, I accidentally slept in two hours later than I was supposed to. Today is my wedding day. FML

Today, some ballbag broke into my house just to take my broom. FML

Today, my 8 year old son cut his own hair. He did a better job than I ever did. I'm a hairdresser. FML

PR campaign ideas

Today, I was helping clean my grandpa's garage when I found some of his old election posters from the '50s. They included slogans such as, "Dick: you know it feels right" and "Want growth? Choose Dick." I'm not sure whether to be disgusted or impressed. FML

Today, I was browsing the web when I checked the search history. Turns out my son has been searching for "nude grills" and "hot grills." Not only is my 12-year-old son attempting to find porn on the internet, he also can't spell. FML

Today, I found out why my cups of tea have been tasting a bit funny. It turns out my kettle is full of ants, so every time I boil water to make tea, the ants get re-boiled along with it. FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted that on his last visit, he snuck into the laundry and stole a lacy black thong he assumed was mine. It wasn't. It was my dad's. FML

Today, the guy of my dreams told me he liked me and leaned in to kiss me. Just as our lips touched, I ripped a big ass fart. FML

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating furiously. To Star Trek. FML

Today, my girlfriend called me over to her house. When I knocked, no one responded to the door. I decided to check the back yard and found her sunbathing by the pool. I kneeled by her and placed my hand on her butt, kissing her neck. What I heard next, "So this is what you do with my daughter." FML

Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML

Thanks

Today, I was at Walmart walking around when I slipped on some water and twisted my ankle. As I was getting up, a man came up to me and said, "There's some water on the floor, watch out." FML

Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML

Today, I went to school without makeup. No one recognized me. FML

Today, I overheard my dad telling his work buddy that he's disappointed in his kid. I assumed he meant my brother, for flunking out of school. He meant me, for quitting sports to focus on my studies. FML

Today, my mom told me to clean the house up because she wants to make good impression on the cleaning lady. FML

Today, I was left at the altar. For the second time. By the same man. FML

Thin skinned

Today, I cut my finger with a plastic knife while demonstrating that you can't cut yourself with a plastic knife. FML

Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. Soon, I noticed he was being very quiet. When I looked up, he was in a deep sleep. FML

Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML

Brain melt

Today, I dropped my bag to run after my two-year-old who had bolted in the parking lot. Once he was in his seat, I got in and drove away. I felt two large thumps as I drove over my own iPad, cellphone and wallet. FML

Today, I went out on a first date. He insisted we go to McDonald's and split a Happy Meal because he "didn't want to waste any money on a first date." FML

Today, a first date with a guy went so badly that he actually paid me to never call him again. FML

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He gave me a cupcake. FML