Miss New Jersey, USA Single
Today, I opened my Christmas present from my parents. I got a road-side assistance package. I don't own a vehicle, and I don't even have a driver's license. FML
Today, I was at Walmart when I saw my grandpa in the next aisle looking at magazines. Wanting to surprise him, I ran up behind him and hugged him around the middle. Up close, I realized he wasn't my grandpa. FML
Today, my extended family came over for Christmas. I forgot to get a present for my extremely sensitive aunt. I took a gift from my re-gift pile and wrapped it quickly. Little did I remember that it was the same gift she gave me last year. She noticed. FML
Today, my brother learned how to fake cry. I've been catching shit for everything I've done and said near him ever since. FML
Today, I woke up thinking my house was on fire because I could hear crackling flames downstairs. I panicked and tripped out of bed. It was the fireplace channel I left on last night so I could wake up to a Christmas ambiance. FML
Today, I woke up on my boyfriend's bedroom floor. When I asked him why I was there, he said I'd gotten too hot, so he rolled me off his bed. I have the flu and a fever. FML
Today, my mother-in-law purchased matching Christmas presents for myself and my sister-in-law to open together in front of everyone. Guess who are now the proud owners of matching metal tampon cases. FML
Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend breaking things off with me. He waited until the day after Christmas because he wanted all his presents. And he got me nothing. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend of over four years ago decided to turn up outside my house at 1 a.m., drunk off his ass, to confess his love for me. When I told him I'd moved on and am happily engaged, he cried on the grass for an hour, then tried to steal my cat. FML
Today, after giving my husband a new video game that he's been wanting, along with homemade waffles and a surprise blowjob, he gave me my gift: two packets of ramen noodles, and toilet paper. FML
Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML
Today, I woke up to find pieces of a dead spider stuck in my braces. FML
Today, I decided to cover a coworker's closing shift because she felt sick. My boss even gave me a $10 gift card for doing it. I felt good about it, until I walked outside and found that my car had been stolen. FML
Today, after ranting to my boyfriend about how Pandora bracelets are pointless and cliched and that I'd never spend that kind of money on a tiny charm, he gave me my Christmas present. It was a Pandora bracelet. FML
Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML
Today, my car was broken into. What was stolen? My daughter's $11 One Direction poster. What will it cost to fix my car? $1,000. FML
Today, a girl mistook me for her boyfriend and broke up with me because I'm "a liar and a cheating bastard." I've never seen her in my life, but I'm so lonely that I tried to convince her to give me another chance and stay with me. FML
Today, my 6-year-old nephew opened his Christmas gift. The first words out of his mouth were, "This is cheap." FML
Today, I went shopping. At the counter, the cashier started flirting with me and asked me for my number. He was cute, so I gave it to him. After walking out of the store, I got a text that said, "I didn't want to say it out loud, but your pants are unzipped." FML
Today, while my girlfriend was playing a game on my phone, an unknown number sent me a nude picture and the words "Miss you, baby." This person's mistake just cost me a black eye, and probably my relationship too. FML
Today, I set up a spy cam in my room to find out which one of my pervy brothers has been using my computer to watch porn. Turns out it was actually my father. I now have a video of him sitting in my chair masturbating, and I can't get it out of my head. FML
Today, proving that there's no limit to the stupid shit people will do, my husband called me from hospital, needing a lift home. He tried planking on top of his car while his buddies sped it down a hill, and I now have to take care of him while his broken leg heals. FML
Today, after spending a lot of money on photo shoots to build up my portfolio, I finally got an offer from a modelling agency. I ran outside to tell my parents, only for my brother to hurl an iced snowball straight into my face. I now have a huge gash over my cheek and nose. FML
Today, I realized something: when other people are drunk, they dance around and make out with people. When I'm drunk, I apparently think it's a great idea to chew on electrical cords. FML
Today, my boyfriend read online that oversleeping has been linked to strokes later in life. He's now taken it upon himself to protect me by making sure that I have as minimal sleep as possible. FML
Today, I was walking in the park, when a kid ran up and hit me in the stomach. He said, "Don't get mad, get glad!" and ran off. FML
Today, at the hospital I work at, I had to deliver my best friend's baby. I later found out that my ex boyfriend was the father. Normally this wouldn't faze me, but it did because we broke up last month. FML
Today, I auditioned for a role in ballet. My stomach was in pain and as I ran to be lifted into the air by my partner, I let out a huge fart. The auditorium was dead silent. FML
Today, I had a proper look at myself in the mirror. I have recently lost 5 lbs. Turns out that it mainly shows on my boob. Not boobs. Boob. Right one only. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I went to the cinema. Or rather, she went with her other boyfriend, and I happened to see them there. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
