Mr Langley, Canada 40 years-old
Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted, "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML
Today, I have come to the point in my life where I need to Google how to stop excessive back sweat. FML
Today, I was cuddling with the guy I'm dating and said, "You smell good." His response, "You don't." FML
Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML
Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML
Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML
Today, I sent my grandma a naked picture instead of my girlfriend. While attempting to delete it, I sent it again. FML
Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML
Today, the first snow of the season fell. My husband celebrated by pelting me with snowballs, while I was on the toilet. FML
Today, I was at the mall and started singing along to the playing of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." A kid glanced at me and said to her mom, "She IS a hippopotamus." FML
Today, my girlfriend's response to my question about where our relationship was going was, "Let me check what my Celtic Runes have to say about it." FML
Today, I went out in a storm to collect my wheelie bin, which had flown down the street. On the way back to my house, I realised my door had slammed shut and locked behind me. That's okay though, a trampoline decided to smash my window and let me in. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML
Today, after getting rear ended by a car, I texted my husband to let him know I was in the hospital. His response? "I'm at Taco Bell." FML
Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for breathing too much. FML
Today, I woke up at midnight crying, stood up to turn on the lights and face-planted into my wall. FML
Today, a friend told me over MSN that her father had died. Trying to express some solidarity, I went to send her a tearful smiley. I accidentally sent her the dancing pig animation instead. FML
Today, my job at a luxurious retirement community was terminated when I ran over an old lady with my work golf cart. FML
Today, I was apparently tired enough to spray silly string under my armpits rather than deodorant. FML
Today, I went to the gas station, paid the clerk, and drove off without pumping any gas. FML
Today, while on the bus, I watched a homeless man pop a pimple on his arm and eat it. FML
Today, I was attacked by a bird at three in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and it decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML
Today, my social anxiety got so bad that I nearly had a panic attack when too many people joined my World of Warcraft party. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I don't understand the bond between him and his stuffed goose. He's 36. FML
Today, I found out that my desk is perfectly placed so that my boss can shoot me with a Nerf gun from his office. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided he was going to narrate everything I do. I can't get him to stop. FML
Today, I found out that sex in the woods is amazing. I also found that the roar of a nearby bear will end the amazement. Not only was I cockblocked by a bear, I almost shit myself. FML
Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML
Today, I was at work when a cute guy came up to me and said he liked my shirt. In a desperate attempt to say something back, I said, "Thanks, I like your shoelaces." FML
Today, I went downstairs to grab a snack and a glass of Silk (you know, the soymilk). When I get back to my room, I go to throw the snack on my bed to shut the door, but I tossed with the wrong hand. FML
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