Today, I was asked out by a guy who is doing community service because he was caught peeping through windows. I was tempted to say yes. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year because I discovered she had been cheating on me. Her defense was, "It wouldn't be a problem if you were just OK with this." FML
Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML
Today, while my mom was out, I took the car out to CVS to get some food, even though I'm not legally allowed to drive. As soon as I got back in the car, my mom pulled up 2 parking spaces away from me. She didn't notice me bend down to hide... until I accidentally hit the horn in the process. FML
Today, at work, I handed an old man his drink, and our fingers accidentally brushed. He gave me a creepy wink and a smile, but I ignored it. He's now been sitting in the store for two hours watching me. Only four hours to go until I get off. FML
Today, I was forced to go to the mall with my dad. He wore a bear suit the entire time. FML
Today, I received my acceptance letter to one of the most prestigious universities in the US, as well as a nice scholarship. I was so proud of myself, I eagerly showed my dad, hoping he would shed a tear or two. His only words were, "Just get a job so you can get the hell out of my house." FML
Today, I went to the bank to get a temporary debit card, since I lost my wallet a week ago. On my drive across the street from the bank to the DMV, a car slammed into mine at the intersection, nearly totaling my car. The movie theater I went to last week just called and said they'd found my wallet. FML
Today, I went shopping with my parents. Halfway through, I got separated from them and tried to call them only to find out my cell phone battery was flat. A few minutes later, an announcement was made for a lost child. It was by my parents. I'm 36. FML
Today, my best friend was fired from the place we both work at because she's a bad employee. After they fired her she said, "If I go, I'm taking my best friend with me." So they fired me too. I actually liked that job. FML
Today, I was helping an older lady return her previously bought items to customer service. As she walked away and said "Thanks," I tried to say "You're welcome" and "No problem" at the same time. I ended up saying "Your problem". She scowled at me. FML
Today, my boss sent me to a meeting with a client I've never met to do some damage control and renegotiate his contract. For two hours, he alternated between threatening to sue us, and making vulgar comments about raping me in his office. FML
Today, I learned that I'm not really allergic to chocolate. My parents made it up when I was a child because they didn't want me to get fat. FML
Today, while I was making love to my fiancé, his mom walked out of the hotel bathroom and sat in a chair less than two feet away from the bed. She made idle conversation with us for the next 15 minutes. My fiancé was still inside me the entire time. FML
Today, my boyfriend announced he has stopped wearing deodorant because he thinks his BO smells "manly." FML
Today, after having a long and serious talk about maybe having a relationship, the guy I really like told me to send him a "sexy picture." I sent him a picture of me in a bra and a thong. He replied, "Yeah, you're hot!" and signed off after ten minutes of silence. I haven't heard from him since. FML
Today, my boyfriend confessed that he felt so insecure he submerged my $80 vibrator in water to eliminate the competition. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating right after I maxed out my credit card buying him everything on his Christmas list. FML
Today, we were practicing figure drawing in art class. Our regular model didn't show up, so our teacher pulled someone out of study hall. And who did she pick? My ex-boyfriend, who stalked me after our breakup, which resulted in a nervous breakdown that put me in therapy. It was a long class. FML
Today, my girlfriend threw my X-box out the window, because I asked her how much she weighs. FML
Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I are divorcing because HE had an affair. He now wants a paternity test. FML
Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat's butt. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for Christmas. He then told me that he would only tell me if I promised not to get mad, so I agreed. He told me that he wants me to start working out because I'm getting fat. FML
Today, I flew into Denver. Never having been here before, I was excited to see the view from our window. In the middle seat, I leaned over to look - at the same time yawning to relieve pressure in my ears. The yawning caused me to drool on the stranger sitting next to me. FML
Today, a guy at my work asked if I could fix his computer in his cubicle. The first thing I see on the screen when he logs me onto it is an anime porn game with tentacles. My boss walks by, stares at me and then laughs uncontrollably. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me one of the main reasons he started dating me was because I have the same name as his ex, whose name he has tattooed on his back. FML
Today, two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. While I was wanking. FML
Today, I couldn't find my key so I sat against the wall to wait for my roommate to get home. I fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I could hear her inside. She chose not to wake me up and let me in. FML
Today, my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. FML
Today, my mother asked me to drill a hole in one of the studs in her ceiling. Finding it a little odd, I asked her about it. It turns out she's installing the sex swing her boyfriend bought her, and I got to help. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
