Miss new york, united states 29 years-old Single
Today, while enjoying breakfast, my teeth took a chunk out of my cheek. This happens regularly, even when I'm talking. Both my doctor and dentist have no idea why, and I'm in utter agony. FML
Today, I entered a hotdog eating contest. I made it up to two, threw up on the rest of them, and fell over. FML
Today, I was worried about my brother because he said that his new medication was making him hallucinate. I told him he should see a doctor right away. He said it was fine and that he had already seen a doctor. I later found out the doctor he was talking about was a hallucination. FML
Today, I found out that my fellow marching band mates all refer to me as "The short girl with big tits" because none of them can remember my name. FML
Today, I woke up, got up, and felt something crunchy under my feet. My son thought it would be funny if he spread cat litter all around the house. Used cat litter. FML
Today, I found out the guy I've been crushing on for many years thinks he's a werewolf. FML
Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. After she left, they told me they disapprove of her because of her supposedly lower social class. Now I have to either dump her or lose the money they set aside to pay for my university tuition. FML
Today, I had my headphones on while on the bus. I didn't realize how loud the music was till the woman sitting next to me punched me for changing her favorite song and then "ignoring her" when she asked me to put it back. FML
Today, I was with a friend at the mall and I made eye contact and smiled at the worker at a smoothie stand that I went on a date with last year. He saw me, and then ducked down behind the register, where he remained while his coworker awkwardly leaned over him to take my order and money. FML
Today, I had to explain to a customer how our hotel charged his card, even though he has never stayed with us. Apparently his wife is a regular customer. I can't help but feel like a homewrecker. FML
Today, I rear ended a cop while talking on my cell phone. FML
Today, the novelty of shaving a heart into my pubic hair for my wife vanished, when I woke up to find a collection of scabs around my pubes. FML
Today, I found out that of the three medications I am taking for depression, one causes weight gain, one causes severe weight gain, and one "might cause weight gain." FML
Today, I told the hairdresser that my kid had cut my hair. I don't have kids. I was just really drunk. FML
Today, I was grounded by my mom because I had slept in past 11, when she wanted me to wake up at seven to do chores. According to her logic, I should have seen the note she left on the counter earlier this morning. FML
Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. She didnt look away and we stared at each other for a while; then she asked me what I wanted from McDonalds. FML
Today, after putting an ad on Craigslist to sell a coat, I finally got a call. The guy on the phone seemed interested, and was especially curious to know if I could "model" it for him, in "stockings and suspenders." FML
Today, I finally built up the courage to confess my love to the girl of my dreams. She turned me down. When I asked her about all the recent receptive behavior toward me, she replied, "I thought it'd be funny." FML
Today, I was talking to my co-workers about how I've sadly been an orphan since an early age. One of them exclaimed, "Hey, just like Batman!" FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my underwear off, she looked at my penis, snorted, and covered her mouth. She claimed that her "allergies" were flaring and we have to wait until they clear up. FML
Today, my new neighbours moved in. I've neither seen nor spoken to them yet; all I know is that they enjoy hammering at the walls for hours on end and repeatedly setting off the fire alarm. All this in the small hours of the morning. I got two hours of sleep. FML
Today, I was in a gas station bathroom attempting to buy a condom from the machine on the wall. A woman who smelled of cat piss walked in, and I got embarrassed so I fled into a stall. She then started a conversation with me about "the good old days" from the next stall over. FML
Today, I was trying to sneak home from a party. Instead, I head-butted a glass door and woke my mother up. FML
Today, it was confirmed that the "no pet rule" in my apartment complex is so strict that I'm not even allowed to have sea monkeys. FML
Today, to avoid looking like a loser in front of his friends who all have girlfriends, my brother made up a perfect relationship. He asked me to give him a hickey in exchange for 50 euros. Our parents walked in on us. FML
Today, I realized I have more in common with a cantaloupe than I do with my boyfriend. FML
Today, my girlfriend started a conversation with "I don't want to break up" and ended the conversation with "I think I'd be better off alone." So I guess I'm now single. I think. FML
Today, I had to ring up our local competitors to get prices for paint. I pretended I'd just bought a house and was doing it up, and I actually got excited about doing up a make-believe house. FML
Today, I tried whitening my teeth with an off-brand product. It didn't whiten my teeth, but it did burn parts of my gums off. FML
Today, my husband informed me that he has been purposely finishing before me in bed as a form of punishment for beating him at Mario Kart. FML
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