CheesyFan20

Today, I accidentally slept in two hours later than I was supposed to. Today is my wedding day. FML

It's PC gone mad

Today, my grandmother updated her will. Previously, it denied inheritance to family members with non-white spouses, and any mixed-raced children. Now it does the same with politically correct terminology. She then bragged about how accepting she is in front of my Korean husband and our daughter. FML

****** around, found out

Today, I discovered that airbags aren't nearly as comfy as they look. FML

Today, my parents heard me leaving my room at 2 am, and freaked out because they thought I was sneaking out. I was too embarrassed to tell them that I was getting food instead of having a social life. FML

Cool look

Today, I was in English class when I had to use the bathroom. As I was signing out, the teacher said, "Don't forget the hall pass!" It was a plunger. I had to walk across the school with a plunger. FML

Today, behind a cabinet, I found a scratch-off lottery ticket I hadn't scratched yet. After scratching it off, I realized it's a $2,500 winner. The lottery commission won't accept it because they stopped using that game 2 years ago. FML

Today, as I was training a new guy at work, my husband spent half the day creeping outside in his truck. FML

Acceptance

Today, I was asked if my bellybutton was an 'innie' or an 'outtie.' My bellybutton has been hidden by fat for so long that I couldn't remember. FML

Today, at my job in a cosmetics department, I was helping a customer find something to her taste. She said, "I want a lipstick like yours. Something that says, 'I'm a bitch'." FML

Today, while jogging, I realized my face jiggles more than my breasts. FML

Today, I got my braces off. I also got my tongue pierced. Both by my orthodontist. FML

Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML

Today, I went to a concert. Being 6'5" was a great advantage because I could see the stage from wherever I was stood. On the downside, I was used by people as a meeting point. FML

Today, I somehow managed to slam my trumpet case closed on my nipple. FML

Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister, and me. FML

Today, I won a lifetime supply of pineapples. One problem, I'm allergic to pineapples. FML

Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML

Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML

Desperate times, desperate measures

Today, my family made a fake boyfriend for me on Facebook, since it's been so long since I had one. I accepted the relationship request to try and trick people into thinking I actually had a boyfriend. FML

Today, I faked being sick so I could weasel out of a chemistry test at school. Happy that I pulled it off, I posted my accomplishment on Facebook. I forgot that I'm friends with my parents. FML

Today, I was discussing the possibility of other life in the universe with my friend. She said the universe isn't big enough for it to be possible, and that we would know about it already, because "there are only 8 planets in the universe." FML

Today, I watched Gigli. FML

Today, I was learning to drive a stick when a cop decided to pull me over just to laugh at me. FML

Today, I woke up in jail charged with a DWI. I wasn't drinking last night and the only thing I remember is taking my prescription sleep medicine and lying down. FML

Today, I paid top dollar for an Italian soda that ended up consisting almost entirely of ice. When I complained, the girl insisted that the soda water stopped the ice from melting. She said she didn't see what the problem was, and threatened to have me thrown out if I didn't "simmer down." FML

Today, I thought about how my dad went to get me a Halloween costume and hasn't come home yet. That was 11 years ago. We've moved twice since then. FML

Almost there

Today, I took a very expensive flight to New York City for a job interview. I waited in my hotel room all day for the phone call to go to my once in a lifetime interview. By noon, I was nervous; eight, I was pissed. Around ten, I realized my phone was still in airplane mode. FML

Today, the only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey website. I took their stupid survey out of appreciation. FML

Today, my dad came to pick me up. It would have been nicer if he'd had his clothes on. FML

Today, I paid for someone else's piss so that I could pass my drug test. I didn't pass the drug test. FML