Oak Hill, United States 33 years-old
Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was, "You smell awful." I work in a fish store. FML
Today, I had to admit to everyone, including my cable guy, that I'm moving back in with my parents. FML
Today, I was on the toilet, when my Mom thought it would be a fun idea to barge in, take a picture of me, post it on Facebook, and tag me. FML
Today, I was taking care of a friend's hamster. Thinking the hamster wanted to make a bed, I put some cotton balls in his cage so he would be comfy. He promptly ate them and died. FML
Today, I had a stomach virus. I tried to make myself throw up to feel better. My long nails sliced open my throat from the inside, and I threw up blood. FML
Today, my boyfriend found out I have OCD. When I touch something with one hand I have to touch it with the other or I freak. After I brushed his face with the back of my hand he tackled me to the floor, held me down, and laughed at me while I panicked and tried to touch him with my other hand. FML
Today, I woke up to a broken window and 3 guys sitting in my living room watching TV. FML
Today, as I put my 4 year-old daughter in the car seat, she dropped her crayon. She then paused and matter-of-factly said, "Mommy, I don't say 'f***' anymore when I drop things." FML
Today, I finally got an unsightly mole on my face removed. While I was shaving. FML
Today, I had a panic attack at 2 a.m. because someone decided to throw a snowball at my window. FML
Today, I got my car back from the shop. The engine has been rebuilt twice in the past 3 months. My check engine light just came on. FML
Today, I found out that I've been paying student fees for the wrong account. Apparently I have been paying for some other student's tuition. FML
Today, while waiting on a customer at a restaurant, I accidentally asked a midget if she'd like a children's menu. FML
Today, my "friend" put itching powder in my cast while I was sleeping. FML
Today, I went out for pizza with my boyfriend. He loaned me his debit card and loudly announced in front of everyone that his pin code was the numerical equivalent of "Fart", and repeated it twice, just in case I hadn't heard. FML
Today, I decided to do a word search in my daughter's Hello Kitty coloring book. It took me 30 minutes to find 6 words in a kids coloring book for ages 1 and up. FML
Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML
Today, while shopping, I was grabbed and dragged off to a security room with no warning. Apparently, the way I was dressed and walking was suspicious. FML
Today, I was fired from my job. Apparently getting shot is no valid reason to stay home. FML
Today, as a prank, a friend and I tied a 10 dollar bill to a fishing line, and yanked it away from people as they reached for it. It was going really well until one of our victims pulled a knife and chased us around the block. FML
Today, my best friend thought the best time to tell me she was sleeping with my boyfriend was while we were acting in a play. FML
Today, I was scheduled for an interview at 3 o'clock. I allowed thirty minutes for the drive, but when I put my key in the ignition, the car wouldn't start. FML
Today, I ran out of gas while driving, and had to call a tow truck. I drive a tow truck. FML
Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML
Today, I was fired because a 10-year-old shat his pants and couldn't follow directions. FML
Today, I wrote a fake phone number on my neck to make it look like someone had hit on me. FML
Today, I got my first job after having spent months looking, and graduating college in the meantime. I got it based on my pre-college qualifications. FML
Today, somebody ordered pizza and sent it to the house across the street from them, so they could shoot at the pizza guy with an air-soft gun from the upstairs of their house. I was that delivery guy. FML
Today, I learned that when I got my driver's permit, I agreed to be the designated driver for my family. FML
Today, I learned the hard way how easy it is to get on my boss's bad side. We were talking about reality TV shows and I'd mentioned how much I despise Snooki, and how useless to the planet she is. Now I fear for my job. FML
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