Today, I was in class when all of a sudden I was hit in the head by a metal pencil case. My teacher threw it at me to get my attention. FML
Today, I was riding my motorcycle on the highway and wearing all of my gear - boots, gloves, jacket, and full-face helmet. Somehow a bee found the only spot not covered on my body and stung my neck. I'm allergic to bees. FML
Today, while shopping, I was grabbed and dragged off to a security room with no warning. Apparently, the way I was dressed and walking was suspicious. FML
Today, my wife told me that she was leaving me for someone with more hair. FML
Today, I had a full on "conversation" with my cat about her laying off the catnip. I really need to get out more. FML
Today, as a part of my job, I took a couple around to look at houses that are on sale. After driving them around and looking at tons of houses, the wife said, "Okay. I think we have enough decorating ideas." FML
Today, a riot broke out while I was on shift at the community swimming pool. A family snuck in soap so they could use the pool as a giant bath tub. FML
Today, my mom cooked her dog some potatoes, carrots, beef, rice and peas. She cooks better food for her dog than she will for our family. FML
Today, my niece told me to go and find my own friends. She's 2, and I'm 18. FML
Today, I picked off what I thought was a small bug feeding on my skin. I was wrong. It was a mole. I spent the next 30 minutes trying to stop the continuous bleeding. FML
Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend after helping him study for his ACT, giving him a back rub, and having really awesome sex with him. His reason for dumping me? He's too stressed out to have a girlfriend right now. FML
Today, I was eating some popcorn with a guy, and I noticed a piece of hair coming out my mouth. I pulled it... and pulled it... and eventually some popcorn pieces came out attached to the end of the hair. I was so embarrassed, he tried to make me feel better by saying it looked like a magic trick. FML
Today, I had to take my son to the emergency room for shooting himself in the ass with a BB gun. FML
Today, I started my new job at a security company. In the first 15 minutes there was a bomb threat. FML
Today, I had to jump into my car while it was still moving. Apparently, just because you put it in park and turn it off, doesn't mean it won't take off towards a ditch without warning. FML
Today, I was working at Staples and organizing some notebooks. All of a sudden, I jumped up because of a sharp pain in my back. A little girl had grabbed a stapler and stapled my back. FML
Today, my boyfriend of three months told me he's going to get tested for STDs, because he's worried about a previous partner. I'm grateful for his thoughtfulness, but I'd be even more grateful if we hadn't already slept together several times. FML
Today, my boyfriend would rather jerk off than have sex with me. Even if I'm next to him in bed. FML
Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML
Today, I went to ask my boss for a raise. He laughed at me and said, "That's hilarious because I was going to ask you if you could take a pay cut!" FML
Today, my pet mouse demonstrated that he has bigger balls than my boyfriend, by running across the dinner table and eating off his plate, all while he jumped out of his chair, screaming like a girl. FML
Today, I brought my girlfriend home while my parents were at work, and things got a little heated. We lost track of time, because the next thing we knew, my dad burst into the living room. He doubled over laughing and asked how much I paid her. FML
Today, I saw a text message on my husband's phone from a "Candice", asking him if he and his wife are still separated, followed by an invitation to spend the night. I never knew we were separated in the first place. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend why she never lets me in her house. She stared blankly and said, "What is inside is not for thine eyes." I told her best friend about this creepiness later on. She sighed and said, "T'was not for mine eyes either. I didst fail to listen." I feel like I'm losing my mind here. FML
Today, I was going through Facebook photos of a pep rally in the hopes that I'd be in at least one of them. I was in one alright. Pulling out a wedgie. FML
Today, I got a coworker at my new job in trouble, because he kept harassing me and asking me out, even after I clearly told him I wasn't interested. Turns out he's very popular around here, and everyone now hates me for being a trouble-maker and not "taking a compliment." FML
Today, my mom decided to subtly bring up her desire for grandchildren. "You really need a girlfriend. I'm surprised you don't have a crippling case of Carpal Tunnel by now." FML
Today, my mom called me from jail. She was arrested for having sex in public. I was with my dad when I got the call. FML
Today, I went to a urinal next to an elderly gentleman. As I was doing my business, he zips up and begins to leave. On his way out, he leans over my shoulder and whispers in my ear, "That's nice". FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me with two different guys. Her incredibly moving excuse was that she was getting "more experience" so she could please me better. FML
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