Your mom, US 35 years-old
Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML
Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML
Today, Facebook told me I should reconnect with my husband. FML
Today, my boyfriend took me to meet his friends at one of his exclusive "clubs." Expecting it to be his old friends from college, I agreed to go. Apparently, I've been dating a member of the Ku Klux Klan for 2 years. FML
Today, I picked up my friend's new kitten so enthusiastically I scared it and it shat all over me. I literally scared the shit out of it. FML
Today, I discovered why my house smells like death. Apparently, because of the rain, a whole load of worms crawled into my garage and died. They're everywhere. FML
Today, I was informed that due to my cat being aggressive and attacking the postman several times, my mail would no longer be delivered to my address. I don't own a cat. FML
Today, I emailed my potential boss a copy of my résumé. However, I didn't realize until too late that it was my fake resume, created for an English class project. Some of my former jobs included being a certified gangster, as well as the former president of Canada. FML
Today, after I moved into my college dorm three days ago, my roommate is still convinced that she is a cat. FML
Today, my co-worker finally gave me a check for the money he owes me. In the memo line, he wrote "for swallowing". Now I have to go cash it. FML
Today, I noticed a disgusting odor that seemed to be radiating off my brother. When I asked him about it, he replied, "I think it's ball sweat. I haven't had a shower in a few weeks, so it's hard to tell." FML
Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML
Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML
Today, I went into work for the first time without make-up. My boss thought I looked so tired and ill that he sent me home. FML
Today, I was having a nice dream in which a beautiful butterfly flew by me and got stuck in my hair, fluttering its wings against my neck. Then I woke up and realized the "butterfly" stuck in my hair was actually a giant wood roach. FML
Today, I ran over a chipmunk. On my bike. Its mangled carcass got caught in the spokes and decided to join me on my ride. FML
Today, I discovered a tick on my penis. After a long battle, he finally let go. Four hours later I'm in the hospital. My penis is twice the normal size. I may have won the battle but lost the war. FML
Today, I ran out of breath while mowing the lawn. I was on a riding lawn mower. FML
Today, I found out that my eight year old son is actually my nephew. FML
Today, my husband bought me a bouquet of roses. They caused me to sneeze seven times in a row. That was the closest he's ever got me to an orgasm. FML
Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML
Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML
Today, I was sitting next to a lady on an airplane who was very overweight. She fell asleep on me, and violently bled from her nose upon take off and landing. FML
Today, I had to address a flatulence issue with an employee. Other employees are complaining about the smell. I have to continue addressing the issue until it stops. So far, I've talked to her about it 4 times. No end in sight. FML
Today, I walked around for hours with a Post-it on my back reading, "I JUST HAD SEX!" My boyfriend stuck it on me. FML
Today, my extremely in-shape boyfriend told me he hasn't had a chance to work out lately. I jokingly poked him in the belly saying he's getting chunky and winked. He burst into tears. FML
Today, my son is going through a rebellious phase. He's taken to wearing leather and chains, listening to death metal music all day in his room alone, and screaming at me in public places. He was fired from his part-time job for swearing at customers. My son is 29 years old. FML
Today, it has been 8 months since I started a photography project in which I would take a picture of the same tree every day for a year. I just heard a noise outside. They cut the tree down. FML
Today, I witnessed my girlfriend eat the dead skin from the soles of her feet. FML
Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
