Miss 29 years-old In a relationship
Today, the only guy showing slightly any interest in me is a Nazi-obsessed psychopath. He uses lovely pick-up lines such as, "Hey, do you know how much it hurts to staple your hand?" FML
Today, I realised I know the map on World of Warcraft better than the map of my own country. FML
Today, while in bed with my game-obsessed girlfriend, she told me I was a "noob" in bed. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted me to send him a pic of myself being happy for his phone's caller ID. So I picked out a picture where I'm grinning a big grin, clearly very happy like he asked. He replies back, "You look weird there. Send a pretty one." FML
Today, I was walking with a friend after buying two cups of steaming hot coffee. While crossing the busiest street in town I tripped and fell, spilling the coffee all over me. My friend didn't notice I fell right in front of her and tripped over me spilling her coffee on me as well. FML
Today, I was brushing my teeth when I felt a lump of something in the corner of my mouth. Naturally assuming it would be a bit of food that my toothbrush had dislodged, I spat it out into the sink. It was a woodlouse. FML
Today, I was t-boned by a car that sent mine flying into five parked cars. My car was totalled. As the person who hit me pulled me out of the right side of the car he said, "Sorry. I sneezed." FML
Today, I went into a music store to look into getting a new guitar. I picked up one that I was interested in and tried it out quietly. A sales representative approached me and asked me to "stop the noise and leave the guitars for serious customers." I've been playing for almost ten years. FML
Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML
Today, my dad decided that my diploma makes a good pen-tester. FML
Today, I finally got my first kiss. I was so excited, I pissed myself. FML
Today, my parents told me that I was born to entertain my brother. I have found the meaning of life. FML
Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML
Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, my wife then told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML
Today, my fiancé invited his pregnant co-worker for dinner. After we finished eating, he sat down and explained to me that her kid is his and that he's been cheating on me with her for 5 months. She had a smile on her face during the entire thing. FML
Today, upon getting out of the shower, I discovered the towel I grabbed off the rack had dried poop on it. Apparently, during my sister's birthday party yesterday, we'd run out of toilet paper. FML
Today, there was a fire drill at my school. I was in the bathroom taking a dump, and if that wasn't bad enough, I got suspended for two days for 'improper procedure during a fire drill'. I didn't know you could get suspended for taking a dump. FML
Today, my husband has been out of town for a week. The only text I've got from him was, "I didn't take a poop today." FML
Today, I had a stomach virus. I tried to make myself throw up to feel better. My long nails sliced open my throat from the inside, and I threw up blood. FML
Today, I was sitting in my room watching TV when I heard my mother obnoxiously yelling for the dog. Minutes later she stomped into my room, swatted me over the head, and yelled at me for not answering when she called. She actually got my name mixed up with the dog's. FML
Today, I tried to put my friend's hand in lukewarm water while he was sleeping, to see if he'd pee himself. He woke up and punched me in the face. FML
Today, I got grounded because I didn't go to my dog's birthday party. FML
Today, while talking with my girlfriend about dating, I learned that she has had more girlfriends than I have. FML
Today, I was walking back to campus with my boyfriend when we passed an Irish pub called "Fat Belly's." He put his arm around me, patted my stomach, and said "Yay! It's your restaurant!" FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend what celebrity I look like. He thought long and hard, then said "Sarah Jessica Parker." I gasped and told him that I find her extremely hideous. He replied "So do I." FML
Today, I was doing photography, and decided to climb onto the roof of a building to photograph the city. I dropped a square of chocolate over the edge just to appreciate the height. Apparently, somebody saw me. I was arrested and am now being charged for trespassing and firing missiles. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to see more of his passionate side. He pushed my head down towards his lap. FML
Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to have phone sex with him. However, it seems he doesn't quite know what it is, so now he wants me to explain it to him. FML
Today, I was getting my chest waxed. The woman dipped the stick into the wax and hit her elbow, making wax fall into my eyes. FML
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