coyotefox

Effed up

Today, my car broke down. My colleague came to get me and then, later, my husband picked me up from work. We went to collect my abandoned car, but it was gone. It took 10 minutes of me panicking and thinking it had been stolen before he crumpled in laughter and told me he'd already collected it. FML

Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch. FML

Today, I was having a conversation with a new friend when she remembered she needed to grab something from her car. I don't know where she parked, but it's been two and a half hours and she's still gone. FML

Today, I dropped my phone between my legs and tried to catch it with my thighs. Instead, the phone fell through just as I crushed my own balls with my legs. FML

OPEN UP!

Today, our family bought a new car. When we got home, I opened the trunk to get my backpack. It turns out I left it in the trunk of our trade-in. The dealership is closed now and I have a presentation due tomorrow. FML

Today, I made a Facebook post about my upcoming driving test. My grandpa said he knew I would succeed, prompting my idiot boyfriend to reply "For sure, she really knows how to suck seed ;)" followed by him liking his own comment. FML

Today, while shopping, I suddenly got the terrible urge to use the bathroom. I already had several items and my 5-year-old niece in tow, so I hurried to checkout. I ended up pissing myself. FML

Today, my parents searched my younger sister's phone because she had been acting suspiciously. I asked my mom if she was going to search mine too. She laughed and said, "Sweetie, your phone is probably even duller than mine!" FML

Today, I finally got a promotion at work. Today I also found out that no matter how long I work, no matter how much effort and unpaid overtime I put in for 6 years, my coworkers will be convinced I only got promoted because I'm the CFO's son. FML

Today, I was in bed with the stomach flu. My boyfriend thought it would be funny to fart in the fan next to our bed, which caused me to vomit all over myself. FML

Today, I popped two tires hitting a curb. I called my dad hysterical, and he told me to call my mom and hung up. My mom's been dead for seven years. FML

She's electric

Today, I tried to give my first hand-job while wearing fuzzy socks in a carpeted room. I reached out to touch his dick and shocked him. FML

Effective

Today, I was the first guy ever to give my girlfriend an orgasm. I was also the first guy to make her poop at the same time. FML

Biology major

Today, my friend and I were having a casual discussion about sex. Blowjobs came up and my friend said she'd never dared to give one, arguing that swallowing sperm can make you pregnant. I then had to go on with a 30 minute argument with her on how that's not possible. She's 26. FML

Quality family time

Today, my deadbeat dad threatened to press charges against me for harassment if I ever contact him again. I've contacted him twice in the last two years, once to tell him he was going to be a grandfather, and once to send him a birthday card from my son. FML

Today, a cute girl I know in passing approached me very nervously and blushing like mad. She gave me a note with a number on it, said to call her, then ran away. When I called the number later, it was one of those rejection hotlines. What the hell? FML

Today, my boss forced me to come into work despite having a bad cold. While waiting a table, I violently sneezed and sprayed a child's face with snot. His dad got so pissed that my boss had to pretend to fire me just to calm him down. FML

Today, my 4-year-old twin boys are fighting because they both want to watch the SAME show on Netflix. They don't want the other one to choose, because somehow that invalidates their own choice, even though they both get to watch what they want, which is "Barbie, life in the dream house". FML

Today, I told my parents I don't really like children and probably won't have any in the future. They sat me down and gave me a lecture on how people who hate kids are heartless. FML

Today, I won a meal for two in a raffle. I had no one to go with. FML

Bad idea

Today, I realized why "Stay off the grass" signs were all over campus. I cut through the grass on my way to my next class and tripped over a sprinkler head, breaking it off and soaking myself in muddy water. I had to sit through a 4-hour lecture with wet, muddy clothes. FML

Today, I was in a play and had a battle scene. I got a little too into it and wound up twisting my ankle. The audience was treated to me screaming like a little girl before face-planting the stage a moment later. FML

Today, after many years of being single, I finally worked up the courage to ask my coworker out. He said no and gave me "fair warning" that he's going to report me for sexual harassment. FML

Today, within 20 minutes of waking up, my dad gave me a pained look and said: "Uhh, turns out your laptop isn't waterproof." FML

Today, due to the incompetence and apathy of my lab partners, I have to write a 12-page lab paper by myself. A 12-page lab paper about radishes. Radishes. FML

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light. I saw my neighbour and her new boyfriend crossing the road, then noticed as he started grabbing his crotch, but thought nothing of it. They both then pulled down their pants and urinated in the middle of the busy intersection. FML

Today, my extremely religious grandmother disowned me for watching Supernatural. FML

Today, I punched a drunk woman who kept trying to force herself onto my husband. She turned out to be an off-duty cop. FML

Today, I realized how much of an invisible artist I am when I got a little excited when someone stole my art. FML

Today, my cat loves to chase birds. In fact, he loves it so much, he ran out of the litter box mid-poop to chase one, forcing me to wipe his ass. FML