Mr In a relationship
Today, I attended an elderly man's funeral. As I approached the casket his wife said, "Thank you for coming." I replied with, "No, thank you." FML
Today, my husband bleached his hair so, "our future kids will have blond hair too." I'm already married to this guy. FML
Today, my boyfriend kept whining at me, asking why I wouldn't have sex with him, seemingly not caring that my parents were in the room. FML
Today, my family had dinner with my future in-laws for the first time. After a bottle of wine to herself, my mother loudly insisted that I'm out of her will. Apparently, I "molest towels" and leave them to "fester for days" in my "den of depravity." I'm sure they'll give me their daughter now. FML
Today, I had a swollen knee, and was slowly limping to the toilet. All of a sudden, my mom ran past me, beating me to it. As she closed the door, she said, "AT LEAST I CAN RUN!" FML
Today, my parents had a long discussion on whether a cut on my arm looked like a vagina. FML
Today, I went to the gas station, paid the clerk, and drove off without pumping any gas. FML
Today, my husband called me “my little zebra”. I gave birth a month ago, and I’ve kept a few stretch marks. FML
Today, I went to Target to buy some soap and this 65-70 year old woman next to me was asking a sales associate if they had any bubble bath mix. I suddenly pictured her naked, bathing herself and suddenly my dick just couldn't sit still. It's probably because I haven't had sex in over 22 months. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML
Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML
Today, I found a bone in my sandwich. It was a veggie burger. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after a year of living together. She told me that she met someone else and wanted to move out. She moved out... but moved her things into my roommate's bedroom. FML
Today, I was at work and a very obese woman came in to get a pedicure. When she took her shoes off I noticed an odd black substance on her feet. I started scrubbing it off and wondered out loud, "What IS this stuff??" As a chunk of it fell onto my lip, she replied, "Girl, that's just the fungus." FML
Today, I was at work at a local hot dog chain. A child (about 10, who I've seen there before) came in to order food for his Dad. He orders very excitedly, and I told him he'd be a great worker here when he gets older. He said "oh no, my Dad says I'm too smart to work in a place like this." FML
Today, I was hit by a car. I called my girlfriend from the hospital and asked her if she could pick me up. She responded by saying "Fuck you, you aways tell me what to do!" and hung up. FML
Today, I was reading through a local wedding mag's advice page. A mother-in-law to be was writing about how to handle wanting her son to break off his engagement. I thought, "Wow. That must suck. I'm glad I like my mother-in-law to be." And then I saw her name. FML
Today, I was hit by a car. My sister ran to see if her phone I was carrying in my purse was okay. She screamed at me while I lay in the street because I was so dumb, and that I couldn't even watch for cars. Her screen was cracked. I had to call 911 for myself. FML
Today, I was shopping at Costco for a romantic evening with my girlfriend, I bought some flowers, dinner, and a super pack of condoms, At the register behind me, I heard somebody say, "Good thing my daughter has a responsible boyfriend." It was my girlfriend's father. FML
Today, I had to tell my 10 year-old son that his father and I are getting a divorce. His reply? "Yes! I call living with dad!" FML
Today, I came home early from work, and caught my girlfriend with my best friend. I forgave her. She thinks it's because I love her. It's because I wouldn't get laid otherwise. FML
Today, after having an amazing intimate encounter with my boyfriend of two years, I put on an old pair of boxers I still have from when I was heavier. He thinks I'm cheating on him and doesn't believe I used to be fat. Now he won't talk to me. FML
Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML
Today, I did something clever at work and I was telling one of the other girls about it. I said "Just using my noodle" and went to tap my temple but instead I jabbed myself in the eye. FML
Today, my boyfriend wouldn't lick the whipped cream I had on my nipples because "That stuff is full of calories." FML
Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday, and I thought I'd surprise him after work by wearing nothing but a smile on his bed. As I heard someone come in, I had a huge smile on my face. Turns out it was his dad and all his friends. FML
Today, my girlfriend won't have sex with me. Why? Because my Mii knocked out her Mii in Wii boxing. It wouldn't be as bad if she wasn't in one-player mode. FML
Today, I was watching TV with my grandpa, and he stopped flipping channels on a movie with a hot naked chick getting oiled down. Suddenly the remote landed on my stomach as my mom and grandma walked in. They yelled at me for being a pervert, while my grandpa sat and chuckled. FML
Today, I'm training to be a nurse in a hospital. Our teacher asked for a volunteer to demonstrate how bed restraints work. After I was shackled to the bed she said, "Now let's make sure they work. Are you ticklish?" My entire class tickled me until I screamed, cried and nearly wet my pants. FML
Today, I confessed to my best friend that I love him and always have. He whispered to himself, "Why do the fat chicks always want me?" FML
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