legitSauce22

Today, my girlfriend asked me, "Is it in yet?" FML

Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML

Ouroboros

Today, I applied for my job, while working at my job. I hope they hire me. FML

Today, I accidentally stapled my finger to a piece of paper. It hurt, but I took it out and went to restaple it. I did it again. FML

Milking it

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying, "Milk the penis… Miiiiilk the penis…" FML

Today, I work at a pizza place and one of my jobs is to spoon crushed red pepper into bags. After I finished this, without thinking to wash my hands first, I used the bathroom. It still burns. FML

Today, I went camping with my husband. We drove 11 hours to his favourite site before he remembered he didn't put the tent in the car. FML

Little *****

Today, while at the restaurant I work at, a bunch of kids came in. They all gave incredibly complex orders, laughed at everything I did, and made a huge mess by "spilling" hot sauce and water all over the floor. After they left, I was tipped eleven cents. FML

Many such cases

Today, I pulled a muscle in my arm while wiping my butt. FML

Today, I walked out of the operating room at the end of an emergency case. I spent ten minutes talking to a woman about her son before we realized I was talking to the wrong family. FML

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

Help!

Today, after bringing my dog back inside, he started whining. I thought it was because he wanted his toys, but he was really trying to say, "Help me," as a torpedo of diarrhea exploded out of him, leaving a trail down the hallway. FML

Where am I?

Today, I woke up in a field 3 miles from where I'd passed out drunk. This wouldn't have been too bad if I didn't have to walk home through town without my pants. FML

Road trip

Today, I'm going on an 8-hour drive with my insane family. This usually means screaming arguments, graphic conversations about my dad's pubes, some karaoke, plenty of farting, some stale Pringles, and an obese golden retriever on my lap the entire time. Arizona, here we come. FML

Today, I got very drunk after being fired from my job. In my depressed, intoxicated state, I posted my facebook status as 'Goodbye world'. The only response was from my dad saying 'cya'. His comment got 29 likes. FML

SPIDERS!

Today, while cleaning out my garage, I found a pregnant spider. I couldn't step on the spider without releasing the baby spiders, so I went inside to get a glass jar to trap it. While trying to relocate the spider, I accidentally stepped on it. I now have a bunch of baby spiders roaming around. FML

Today, I found out that my mom doesn't know my phone number, but she does know the names of both of David Hasselhoff's daughters. FML

Today, I had to explain to my friend why it's inappropriate to conduct a phone conversation while simultaneously eating a bagel, listening to music, and taking a shit. FML

Today, my friends thought it'd be funny to hold lighters under the smoke alarms while I was sleeping. FML

Love language

Today, trying to be an old-school romantic, I asked my girlfriend, "Where art thou, my love?" via SMS. She replied, "Toilet." FML

Depressing

Today, the nicest thing said to me all day was from my microwave, which flashes "Enjoy your meal" when it finishes cooking something. FML

Today, an old lady hit me with her car, after which she said, "Oh! Not again!" FML

Well?

Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML

Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML

Bad timing

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, "Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!" FML

The smell test

Today, I realized I can tell which one of my 6 roommates has taken a dump, just based on the smell emanating from the toilet. FML

Bananarama

Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML

Today, my school is having a mandatory class on etiquette. We've just now progressed onto forks after a long, tedious discussion on spoons. FML

Bruh…

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that fist pumping during sex is not romantic. FML

Today, I woke up to a homeless man relentlessly shitting on my porch. FML