Miss It's complicated
Today, my therapist gave me some great self-sufficiency advice. It sounded familiar. When I got home I realized she had been quoting Christina Aguilera songs. For £100 an hour. FML
Today, a Russian guy came up to me on the train and informed me that I look exactly like a typical Russian woman. He then went on to explain that I even had enough fat to survive their cold winters. FML
Today, while on holiday in England, a cute boy came up and asked where I'm from. When I said Paris, he gave a look and said, "Oh, strange, I always thought Parisians were the most beautiful women in the world." FML
Today, Father Christmas touched my ass in a shopping mall. I'm a bit worried about what's going to happen on Christmas Day. FML
Today, at a rehearsal, a friend poked me: "My mother is in the orchestra, guess who she is!" I jokingly answer: "Erm…The fat singer?". It was. FML
Today, a very pretty girl came up to me and asked me for my phone number. Very pleased, I give it to her with a huge smile and tell her that I can be reached at any time. I then watch her go back to her group of friends. My number was for her gay friend, who then meekly waved at me. FML
Today, my first and only true date ended with the girl saying, "Thanks for dinner, I was hungry - and oh, by the way, I'm a lesbian." FML
Today, in class, I volunteered to read a poem out loud. I accidentally said "circumcised" instead of "circumscribed". I don't think I"ll be volunteering to read anything more. FML
Today, I had a meeting at work. My boss was there as well as her boss, and a few other managers and directors. We started discussing politics in the context of our latest project. I tried to say "erratic election". I almost succeeded. FML
Today, I thought I was going on a date. About 20 minutes into it, after giving her my arm to hold (like a true gentleman) it came up in conversation that my brother is gay. Her response: "Oh, so both you and your brother are gay?" FML
Today, I was complaining to my sister about how jealous I was of her looks. Her response was "Sometimes it's okay to be the ugly sister. Like, you have less of a chance of getting raped." FML
Today, I was in spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. When I went to make a point, I meant to say "La pena de muerte", which means "The death penalty". I said, "La pene de muerte". Turns out that means, "The penis of death". FML
Today, as a bartender was carding my friends, I excitedly asked if he was going to card me. The guy gave me a blank stare before finally replying, "Look, lady, I don't have time to stroke some middle-aged woman's ego." I asked because it was my birthday. I just turned twenty-one. FML
Today, I was with my grandma waiting in a line. She only speaks Chinese and there was a black man in front of us talking his phone. My grandma tells me that the black man's really loud and annoying. The man finishes and turns and said fluently in Chinese, "What's wrong with loud black men?" FML
Today, I saw a video in class about women aged 65+ and their sex lives. An elderly, blind woman was having sex at her senior's home. I don't know what's worse, watching an hour-long documentary on this, or the fact that these women are having way more sex than I am. FML
Today, I came out to my mom. I had an epic speech planned, and when I tried to tell her, it all fell apart and I started crying and just said, "I'm gay." After a few seconds silence, my mom sighs and says, "Duh." FML
Today, my 7 year-old brother asked me what "horny" meant whilst in the car with my parents. When I wouldn't tell him what it meant he screamed, "I'm getting horny!" at the top of his lungs, and told my parents that I told him to say it. FML
Today, I was giving a lecture to my class I heard a phone go off. Aggravated and exhausted, I asked everyone to turn their phones off. Then the phone rang again. I lost my shit and spent the next half hour calling my students a bunch of "technology whores". Then I realized the phone was mine. FML
Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML
Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML
Today, my girlfriend got the breast implants she's been wanting for the last 5 years. When I went to pick her up at the hospital she said, "Maybe I can find a guy with a real job now!" I paid for her fake tits. FML
Today, I finally exchanged pictures with the woman I've been seeing online for some time now. She replied, saying "Thats not funny. Some people actually look like that." I sent my real picture, and thought I actually looked pretty good in it. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML
Today, I meant to express to my friends that I was enamored with a young saleswoman I had encountered at a store. I wanted to tell them that she was quite petite and that I am, in general, attracted to petite women. Instead I said, "You know? I like little girls." FML
Today, we got my brother a pet hamster because he has trouble making friends. We thought a hamster would be a good way to teach him about caring for others. I walked into the room and the hamster was hanging from the ceiling. Turns out there's a reason my brother doesn't have friends. FML
Today, the cable repairman came to fix my cable, which has never worked well. The entire time he was talking about how much extra money he got the "fat bitch who moved here 6 months ago" to pay for her cable. I moved in 6 months ago. I was pregnant. FML
Today, my daughter asked me what is the youngest age at which you should start having sex. Being a good mom, I said that she shouldn't have sex until after she's been married. My daughter then said, "Oh... shoot," and walked away. My daughter is twelve. FML
Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status update. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML
Today, I heard a student in the class I assist having trouble with a download. I walked over and showed him how to save to his flash drive, and how to use 7z to unzip said file. I then found out I'd just assisted him in downloading a half gig of porn during class. FML
Today, it started raining unexpectedly. My daughter and I didn't have an umbrella, so my daughter raised one of my big flabby arms and put it over her head to protect her from the rain. It worked. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
