damian777

Today, I lost my virginity. It took all of 30 seconds. FML

Today, I finally jumped high enough to dunk on the ten foot rim. I caught my tooth on the net and nearly pulled my tooth out. FML

The betrayal

Today, I found out why my roommate and best friend comes home late three nights a week. She goes to get drunk with some guy, then goes back to his house to hook up. Who is this guy? The guy I've been dating for three years. FML

Today, I was putting a wooden shelf into my new TV stand. Right before I put it in, I rested it on my leg. I then realized that the wood was of poor quality, and it gave me splinters. Now, I can't remove the splinters, because I can't find their exact location under my really hairy legs. FML

Today, the girl who I was in love with for almost seven years listed me on facebook as her "Brother." FML

Today, I got very drunk after being fired from my job. In my depressed, intoxicated state, I posted my facebook status as 'Goodbye world'. The only response was from my dad saying 'cya'. His comment got 29 likes. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing around. He threw me over his shoulder and turned around, smacking my face against the wall. Then he smacked my head into the fridge after turning round to see "what that loud bang" was. FML

Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread. FML

Today, my dad attempted to fix a power outlet. He managed to shock himself with 120 volts and fall backwards, landing on top of me. I am 85 pounds and he weighs 290 pounds. FML

Bastard!

Today, a cop pulled me over because there was a sign hidden behind a tree that said "No left turn". As I was getting my ticket, I watched as three cars turned left. The cop saw them, laughed, and said, "I guess you're the unlucky one." FML

Timing is important

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met at my friend's party. He stopped mid-thrust, climbed off, and started talking about how nervous he is about buying his first car next week. FML

Today, while my boyfriend was inside me, he got a text message. He actually stopped thrusting to reply. FML

Today, during a snowstorm, I opened my car door to get out. The wind snapped it wide open, then immediately changed course and swung it back at me just as I stepped out, spilling an entire hot cup of coffee all over me. FML

Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom. FML

Today, I went to go use an automatic cart in Walmart because I broke my hip in January. They were all being used by morbidly obese people throughout the store. I asked a manager if she could get me one, but apparently their weight issues are more impeding than my broken hip. FML

Gross

Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer who, just moments before, had the aforementioned hand down the front of his pants, scratching his snowglobes. FML

Today, I found out the real reason why me and my boyfriend of four and a half months have "so much in common". He used to be my stalker, who followed me around in a black hoodie and always posted stuff on my Myspace as an anonymous person. FML

Look!

Today, I went to get an ultrasound of my reproductive system done because I was having some abdominal pain. Everything was fine until the tech suddenly gasped and said, "Oh my God! You have two uteruses! Want me to print off a picture so you can show them off to your friends?" FML

The tourist

Today, I toured an art museum. Our tour guide had an obvious lisp, so I tried my best not to laugh. When she asked me a question about a sculpture, I accidentally replied, "Yeth ma'am." She ended the tour right there. FML

Today, I was on the phone with an elderly customer at work. I had to spend 10 minutes listening to him describe how the underwear he bought was too tight and caused his bladder to leak. FML

Today, my sister lost a leg. Immediately after hearing the news, my boyfriend started cracking jokes about getting her a job at IHOP. FML

Today, my Dad thought "Joseph" and "Francis" were two people hacking our internet. They are actually the names of my laptop and iPod, which have now been blocked from using our modem. He can't figure out how to unblock them. FML

Today, I went to get a facial. I forgot my contact case so I put them into paper cup. My beautician thought it was leftover water from someone else, and threw my only pair of vision aid away. I scuttled home half blind. FML

Today, I sent an email to a girl I like about how I really feel about her. She later replied "Real funny, tell Michael to change his password!" FML

Today, our boss asked us out to lunch and told us to choose wherever we wanted to eat. Thinking that she’d be paying for it, we chose a pricey seafood restaurant. When we'd eaten, she told us that we could pay her back later. FML

Today, I asked out a girl I like to a movie. She said "I hate babysitting." FML

Today, I attended the wrong funeral. I spent twenty minutes trying to hide and walk away without being too conspicuous. FML

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school. Apparently, she was learning about the food pyramid and when she was asked to identify what she had eaten the day before, she said "dog food". FML

Today, I had to present a powerpoint in front of my class. When I was finished, no one clapped. On my way back to my seat, I slipped on a pencil and fell straight on my face. That's when everyone clapped. FML

Today, I found out why my cell phone has been going missing every night for the last few months. My sister has been "borrowing" it so she can hold it against her crotch and repeatedly push the vibrate button. FML