Miss 28 years-old Single
Today, I saw boobs, in person, for the first time. Too bad they were my mom's and I'm 27. FML
Today, I saw my boyfriend of two years had joined a group on Facebook called "Guys who are proud of their girlfriends". I smiled and was about to like it when I noticed a comment below from a girl saying, "Awww thanks babe :) xxxx." FML
Today, I woke up on the floor after I fell asleep last night while counting my tips. The pennies stuck to my face and left large blue circles from the copper. The blue won't come off. I have my senior photos today. My appointment can't be rescheduled. FML
Today, I was walking down the street when I heard a loud splashing noise to my right. I looked over only to see a woman not squatting but bending over, spreading her cheeks, peeing a horse-sized amount of pee. I can't un-see this. FML
Today, I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. FML
Today, I am 9 months pregnant. I had a dream where I successfully pushed and gave birth to my son. Meanwhile, in the real world, I successfully pushed and gave birth to a large dump. FML
Today, my hot co-worker had to use my computer, so he called me while I was at lunch for my login password. It was his name. FML
Today, I was making out with my new boyfriend when he pulled away and looked me deeply in the eyes, he smiled and said, "I don't care what anyone else says, I think you're beautiful." FML
Today, my boyfriend bought a pogo stick. Now he rides it more than he rides me. FML
Today, while I was at work, I heard one of my employees laughing on the phone. I told him to shut up and get back to work. Turns out he was actually crying because his father had just died. FML
Today, I was in a public restroom with my 4 year old daughter. I took her in the stall with me, and as I was using the restroom she looked down and loudly asked, "Mommy! Why do you have a beard on your peepee?!!" Then I heard everybody in the stalls next to us laughing. FML
Today, I superglued my headphones back together. They weren't dry before I put them back in my ears. FML
Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML
Today, I'd finally reached my goal weight. I went into the office where my husband was, to show him the new size 8 jeans I'd bought. He responded with "I wouldn't buy any more clothes, you'll be putting the weight back on again soon." FML
Today, my four-year-old asked me when I was going to die. I replied "Not for a long time, why?" He looked at me and stated "Because I only want to live with Daddy." FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I should finish school early and get a job so we can get married, because then he'll have enough money to buy the truck he's had his eyes on for our whole relationship. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had a picnic on the beach. It was so romantic and perfect. He leant forward to kiss me. Once we had kissed he said, "We haven't even started eating yet", and passed me a mint. FML
Today, I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. FML
Today, I tried to get my license. To get that, I needed to show proof of school enrollment. I graduated early, so they told me to get a copy of my diploma. I went to school, and they told me that I would need a valid driver's license to access my diploma. FML
Today, I had to leave my one-night stand in my flat because I was giving a guest lecture at the local university. Halfway through, I hear someone sneaking in so I jokingly asked if they had a 'wild night out.' It was the guy I slept with. FML
Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML
Today, my boyfriend cancelled our vacation plans because I'll be on my period, arguing that, "It wouldn't be a real holiday." FML
Today, as I was walking home, I passed some little girls who threw a bunch of snowballs at me. I dodged every single one, ran away laughing, and gave them the finger. I then ran into a snowman. FML
Today, I wanted to propose to my girlfriend, so I bought M&M's which I had customized with the words "Will you marry me?" on them. She ate them all without reading them. FML
Today, my girlfriend went down on me for the first time. Just as I was reaching climax, my brother raced into the bathroom right next to my door and began to vomit extremely loudly. FML
Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML
Today, I went on my first official date I've been on since my divorce. Things were going great until he ordered his fourth 32oz beer; he got hammered and became a horny octopus. Oh, and he farted whiled trying to give me a goodnight kiss. FML
Today, I went to my high school reunion. I was super excited to see what everyone had done in their lives. The nerdy guy I bullied is now a U.S. Marine and already has two deployments in Afghanistan under his belt. He looked at me in his dress blues and said, "I remember you." FML
Today, my husband decided he needs to be thanked after every time he changes our daughter's diaper; if not he throws a temper tantrum. Now I have two babies to deal with. FML
Today, I spent the entire day in my room trying to figure out how to get rid of my psycho boyfriend without dying. FML
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