Today, I was home alone. It was very dark and so I went to turn on the lights, when I heard the sound of a gun loading. I dropped to the floor but never heard a gun fire. I got up and heard the sound again. When I got lights on, I discovered it was only my printer telling me it was out of paper. FML
Today, I was walking with my girlfriend of a year and a half on the beach. Everything was fine until she saw a plane with a banner behind it saying "Cassie, will you marry me?" She said yes. I didn't order a plane. FML
Today, I saw a video of me from over the weekend, naked, pretending to be a duck. What the fuck happened that night? FML
Today, I found out how much it hurts to be shot with a paintball in your open mouth. My mouth was only open to say I was hit. FML
Today, we got new doors fitted. There were new locks on the bathroom, to the reluctance of my mother, who thought one of us would lock ourselves in. "Only an idiot would lock themselves in," I said, and shut the door to demonstrate. I locked myself in. FML
Today, I broke my toe. After telling my friend about it, he promptly stomped on it to "see what my reaction would be." FML
Today, is my daughter's first birthday. Today also marks 1 year and 9 months since I last had sex with my wife. FML
Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread. FML
Today, my mum got an electric car. It's so quiet that we could hear the bones of my cat break as we reversed over it on the driveway. FML
Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML
Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML
Today, I was walking through my kitchen when I discovered a weak spot in the floor. Tomorrow, I'm going to have to fix the giant hole caused when I put my foot through it. FML
Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML
Today, I painted my daughter's bedroom. When I wasn't paying attention, the cat walked through the paint tray. There are now Barney purple paw prints all over the house. FML
Today, I was walking on the beach when I tripped. I was about to land on a kid's sandcastle, so I tried to dodge by leaning left to avoid it. Before I hit the ground, I noticed the many rocks I was heading for. FML
Today, I'd just finished feeding my parrot and sweeping all the seeds under the cage. As I was walking away, my parrot whistled. I turned around to see him get up onto the food dish, pick up a clawful of food and toss it on the floor. FML
Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML
Today, I discovered that you should always unplug the electric mixer before licking the beaters. FML
Today, while helping my father build a shelf, I suggested that we should probably use the instruction manual. He suggested I should probably shut the fuck up and do it his way. FML
Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML
Today, I received my first payment of child support from my estranged husband: $50 and a note that said he wouldn't be paying any more. FML
Today, I had a bubble bath to help me relax. I was more stressed out by the sound of all the bubbles popping than I was to begin with. FML
Today, I was watching a boys volleyball team warming up, and I had my eye on one of them who was quite attractive. He sent the ball a little too far and it hit me in the face. He apologized, and I then for some reason replied with, "It's fine, I like balls in my face." FML
Today, I woke up, only to find my arm was still asleep. I tried to move it just a tiny bit, but somehow ended up punching myself in the face. FML
Today, I asked my dad if my girlfriend could sleep over. He winked at me and agreed. When I brought her home, we went to my room for a quickie. There, I saw that my dad had taped multiple Richard Simmons posters to the wall, causing my girlfriend to suddenly come down with a "headache." FML
Today, I had to pick my son up from school after he beat the crap out of another student. The words that made him go nuts were apparently, "You mad, bro?" FML
Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML
Today, I was teaching a class, but the kids were all talking and chattering. After three soapbox-style speeches about how, "The next person who talks gets a note to take home," one kid looked right at me and went, "Meow." FML
Today, I daringly tried that fish-bath thing, where all these fish come and eat all of your skin's dead cells. I got into it, and after 15 minutes of being a human buffet, at least 20 of the fish died. FML
Today, my grandmother, who has Alzheimer's and can't usually remember my name, had a sudden moment of clarity and asked me why I'm still not married yet. FML
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