Mrs new york, usa 30 years-old In a relationship
Today, my fiancé insists that instead of kissing at the crucial moment of our wedding ceremony, we should give each other a high five. FML
Today, due to "severe cuts to the budget" at work, I had to stir my coffee with a paperclip. FML
Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML
Today, I was watching porn when I heard my mom call for me. I closed my laptop right as she walked in my room. The sound, however, kept going. FML
Today, I won a lifetime supply of pineapples. One problem, I'm allergic to pineapples. FML
Today, I couldn't contain my laughter when a patient told me she'd named her unborn daughter Twinkie. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML
Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend we should start seeing other people. She said, "Don't worry, I'm already way ahead of you." FML
Today, out of habit, I said "See you later" to a creepy old male customer who stared at my chest the whole time I was serving him. His response was to wink and say, "Oh, you will." FML
Today, I accidentally slammed a door on my own arm flab. FML
Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML
Today, I received a single, hand-made Valentine's card from the weirdest kid in the school. It said, "If you ever get mauled by a bear, I hope he doesn't damage your face." FML
Today, I found out that sex in the woods is amazing. I also found that the roar of a nearby bear will end the amazement. Not only was I cockblocked by a bear, I almost shit myself. FML
Today, a man on the bus questioned my sexuality for being a male nurse. I asked him what he did and he said he worked in a garage. When I pointed out that I work with sexy nurses all day and he works with sweaty guys, he punched me in the stomach. FML
Today, my identical twin sister's boyfriend walked over to me, and whispered in my ear, "I know what you look like naked." FML
Today, I was having sex with my wife, when she fell asleep. She then woke up and started moaning, clearly faking an orgasm. FML
Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch. FML
Today, I let my daughter bake a cake for her brother's fifth birthday party. She showed up later with a cake in the shape of a cock and balls. Apparently it's okay, though, because "I frosted it to look like a rocket, hehehe!" I can't believe my balls spawned this moron. FML
Today, I learned that my son goes on online chat rooms and has sexual fantasy role-play. To make matters worse, the characters he uses are from My Little Pony. FML
Today, I heard of an inevitable world-wide bacon shortage on the news. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he masturbates to the thought of me swimming in pancake syrup. FML
Today, I was slapped across the face by a girl in the waiting room at the dentist's office. She thought I was taking a picture of her breasts with my phone. I was smiling while reading other people's FMLs. FML
Today, during a conversation, my boss said, "What, what?" Before I could stop myself, I replied, "In the butt." FML
Today, I was out clubbing. My girlfriend went to get us drinks, so I danced alone while I waited. Some girl with hideous meth mouth, who was clearly tripping balls, started harassing and groping me and got all three of us kicked out when my girlfriend returned and beat the hell out of her. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML
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