Miss Marshfield, WI 40 years-old Single
Today, I got an email from a local company looking to have a website made. I looked over their request and provided them with a reasonable offer. I got an email back stating that they would like to pay me with liquor instead of money. FML
Today, I found out that my parents didn't come to my wedding not because they couldn't make it, but rather that my younger brother didn't want to go. FML
Today, our dog peed on nearly all the wrapped gifts under our Christmas tree. FML
Today, I woke up and rolled out of bed. I'm on the top mattress of a bunk bed. We have tile floors. FML
Today, I sat down for a poop. The toilet seat slid off immediately, taking me with it. I lay on the bathroom floor for a moment, stunned, still pooping. FML
Today, while going through customs at the airport, my bag was selected for screening. It was nearly overflowing because it was so full, so before the TSA agent searched it, I said, "Watch out - it's going to explode when you open it". Wrong choice of words. FML
Today, I found out the unionized cleaning people that empty the garbage and clean the toilets make $19/hr and have more paid time off than I do with my college degree. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend to meet me in the park to talk. Just when I wanted to break up, he knelt down on one knee and proposed. I had to reject him in front of a whole crowd of people. FML
Today, my boss told our production department that we're not allowed to be happy. FML
Today, I heard vibrating from inside my husband's desk drawer. Since he's away for the weekend, I investigated. I found an unfamiliar cellphone with an inbound call. I answered it. Turns out, it was his mistress. Neither of us can get a hold of him. FML
Today, I came home from work. I was really tired and told my son that I would make him dinner later. He called the cops saying, "Mommy won't feed me." FML
Today, my coworkers and I were comparing the backgrounds we have on our phones. They pretty much sum up our love lives; everyone else's background is a photo of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Mine's a photo of a lifeless desert. FML
Today, I was driving down a dark country road with the windows down. Suddenly, a giant barn owl flew through my side-window and smacked into my head, causing me to drive into a ditch. FML
Today, a few months after my co-worker had stopped wearing her engagement ring, I decided to put on the moves and start flirting with her. I soon found out that her fiancé had died, and that she's nowhere near over him, despite her brave face. I feel like a total asshole. FML
Today, while paying for groceries, I opened my wallet to find that all my cash had been exchanged for Monopoly money. FML
Today, neither of my parents fought for my custody. FML
Today, while lying in bed, I heard a strange grating noise coming from the hallway. After recovering from my initial assumption that it was a poltergeist come to murder me and steal my liver, I went out to investigate. It was there that I discovered my bulldog casually eating into the wall. FML
Today, my ex showed up at my door with chocolates and flowers. I've liked him since I was 13, starting dating him when I was 15. He proposed when I was 22. I am now 24, and yesterday was our wedding day. He didn't show. FML
Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML
Today, my parents threw out the beautiful birthday cake my aunt made me, and served celery sticks at my party because I need to "watch my weight." FML
Today, I had to admit to everyone, including my cable guy, that I'm moving back in with my parents. FML
Today, after parking my car, I was informed by an incredibly hot girl that my tail light was faulty. I tried hitting it to make it work again. Guess who has 5 stitches and a smashed tail light? FML
Today, I found out that my mother was having an affair with my boss "to help me keep my job" because she thought I was useless. FML
Today, I had a dream where I was having the best sex of my life. With Donald Trump. My boyfriend hasn't stopped laughing. FML
Today, I have discovered things not to do while drunk. Like shaving my legs. FML
Today, as the clock struck twelve for the new year, I was in the bathroom having a nosebleed. FML
Today, I was walking through a heavy door at work, so I reached behind me to catch it so it wouldn't slam shut. Little did I know that my boss was walking through right after me. Instead of catching the door, I caught a handful of his crotch. FML
Today, after keeping myself awake coughing for 2 hours, I finally drifted off. My cat apparently thought I'd died, and gave me CPR. Now I have claw marks on my chest, and I'm still awake. FML
Today, my boss got a promotion and I got laid off. FML
Today, I stepped on the scale and realized that I weigh more than the amount of money that I have in my bank account. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
