Today, my best friend can now say "I fucked your mom" to me and actually mean it. FML
Today, my mom told me that if I wanted to commit suicide, I should make it seem like a car accident, and not do it in the house, because she would be too embarrassed if people thought she was a bad parent. FML
Today, my father tried to excuse his alcoholism by saying that his stomach stops working, and he needs to drink vodka to get it started again. FML
Today, I felt sick to my stomach, so I told my mother I didn't want to eat dinner. She started accusing me of being anorexic, so I ate a little bit anyway to make her stop. I then threw up, only for her to take it as confirmation that I have an eating disorder. FML
Today, I had to go to a boring, never-ending "sensitivity training" session, all because my douchebag coworker filed a complaint against me last week after I apologized for being tardy. Apparently I was insulting people with mental disorders. Or as she put it, "differently-abled" people. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. My mom's reaction was, I shit you not, to tell me to "walk it off". FML
Today, while serving a customer, she told me: "God made you a working class citizen so you could serve! If God wanted you to go to college, he would have made sure you were able to go!" FML
Today, my crackhead neighbour got slightly annoyed at my 2-day-old daughter's late-night wailing. Well, I think so, anyway, as she politely requested us to "SHUT THAT CUNT KID UP." or she would "BLOW BOTH OUR HOUSES UP, YOU FUCKING ASSFUCKS." But I'm not 100% sure. FML
Today, I got a text from my neighbor complaining about my girlfriend and me being too noisy in bed. I'm at work. FML
Today, I found out the reason my crush has been talking so openly to me. Not because she likes me back, but because she thinks I'm gay. FML
Today, I saw someone accidentally leave their headlights on downtown. Trying to be a helpful, I chased them down 2 blocks only to be informed that their headlights automatically turn off. FML
Today, my husband and I broke the news to my 10-year-old son that in about 8 months, he'll have a baby brother or sister. I knew he never wanted a sibling, but I didn't expect him to throw a tantrum, then look at me through teary eyes and scream, "Why can't you keep your fucking legs closed?" FML
Today, I found out I wasn't invited to my neighbor's funeral, with whom I had been good friends with for a long time. When I asked her husband why, he said, "We have a small amount of money and can't afford for you to eat all of the refreshments." FML
Today, I had to explain to my little brother yet again that no, socks don't count as toilet paper. FML
Today, after walking in on my roommate, I found out that pleasuring yourself with a shoe is a thing. It wouldn't have been so bad if the shoe hadn't been mine. FML
Today, as my mom was getting ready for a date, I told her that I think it's too early for her to date, since she divorced my dad only a week ago. She then said, "Don't worry, I'm only in it for sex." FML
Today, at my sister's wedding, she and I had a plan that she would purposely throw the bouquet to my girlfriend, then I would propose in front of everyone. When the bouquet landed in my girlfriend's lap, she screamed, "Ew, no way" and threw it to someone else. FML
Today, my mom said that if I wasn't her daughter, she probably wouldn't even like me. FML
Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML
Today, my idiot boss placed an expensive order for anti-bullying banners that read: "Take a stand against bullying!" This would be fine if I didn't work in a specialized school for children in wheelchairs. FML
Today, I woke up with a electric dog collar on my neck. I wouldn't have noticed it until my stepfather turned the collar to the highest intensity just to wake me up. FML
Today, I finally finished downloading a 60GB TV series after two weeks of waiting. Every single "episode" turned out to be Rick Astley singing Never Gonna Give You Up, on constant repeat. I almost respect the prankster's effort enough to not want to gut him like a fish. Almost. FML
Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML
Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say, "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML
Today, I had a dream about a giant spider crawling around in my mouth. I woke up to find that dreams sometimes do come true. FML
Today, my boss called me in to have a serious talk. The "serious talk" was him asking me to notify him of my menstrual cycle ahead of time so he can "avoid that shit". FML
Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend threatened to cut my balls off if I didn't "just fucking cum already". FML
Today, I pulled several socks from under my son's bed. I spent far too long trying to figure out why they were so stiff before I finally realized. FML
Today, I found out my new puppy has worms by him scooting his butt across my new carpet. It's like smeared spaghetti. FML
Today, my mother gave me hell for my "video game addiction". The "game" in question? A professional flight simulator program that I'm using to complement my flight school lessons. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
