Sean Hague

Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML

Today, my husband and I got into a huge fight about his ex-fiancée, after I found out he's been confessing his love to her behind my back. Our fight ended with him yelling that yes, she's the love of his life, "But I still married you, didn't I?" FML

Good game

Today, I had a volleyball game against our rivals. I hit myself in the face with the ball 3 times, fell flat on my face against the court, and later had an asthma attack with no inhaler in sight. We lost the game. FML

Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML

Today, I found out I'm allergic to our new cat. My mom said she'd rather get rid of me than the cat. FML

Today, I got my laptop back after sending it to Dell to repair water damage after a night of partying. Dell returned my computer unrepaired, saying it was unfixable. When I called to ask why they couldn't fix it, they told me it was a biohazard. Someone got drunk and pissed on my laptop. FML

Today, at 2:00 am, my neighbor discovered "What Does The Fox Say?" He loves it. FML

Today, I made my first snowman ever, and then cried when my big brother kicked it to pieces. I'm 27. FML

Today, while at my brother's funeral, my girlfriend decided to tell me she'd been sleeping with him. FML

Today, it's my two year anniversary with my wife. She's celebrating the day with her new boyfriend. FML

Today, my parents invited all their kids and grandkids to join them on a vacation trip to the mountains; all their kids except me, that is. I'm not invited. But they did invite my ex-husband. And his new girlfriend. FML

Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about it, he accused me of lying and threatened to ground me for a week. FML

One day…

Today, my mom was snooping around my room, and found the unopened box of glow in the dark condoms I bought myself year ago. She laughed and said, "No takers yet, eh?" FML

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't really take flute lessons after all. In related news, every time my best friend supposedly drives her to flute lessons, he's actually taking her to his house for a different kind of activity. FML

Today, while in class, I was called down to the office. The principal showed me a video of two guys fighting in the school parking lot. I'm accused of being one of those guys. I'm a girl. FML

Not bothered

Today, I wanted to propose to my girlfriend, so I bought M&M's which I had customized with the words "Will you marry me?" on them. She ate them all without reading them. FML

Today, my dad sat me down for a talk. After the talk, he wasn't my dad anymore. FML

Today, I was chased out of my own house by my wife's lover's dog. FML

Are you OK?

Today, I walked in on my brother trying to stick his knob into a cola bottle. FML

Today, my girlfriend asked me to hold her purse while shopping. All of a sudden, a robber punched me in the face and took her purse. She started crying about her purse and told me to get off the ground because I was embarrassing her. FML

Today, I had to have a discussion with my 54-year-old mother about showering. She thinks it's perfectly OK to shower only once a week. FML

Talk to me

Today, my wife told me she had stopped taking her anti-depressants a month ago in hopes of increasing her non-existent sex drive. I asked her if it had helped, and was about to suggest she start taking them again for her own wellbeing. She replied with, "Anyway, I'm just not attracted to you." FML

Today, I had to end a phone conversation with, "I gotta go, my daughter's eating toilet paper." FML

Today, my mom slept all day. But when she got out of bed for five minutes, she told me I was a worthless piece of shit. Then she went back to bed. FML

Suspicious activity

Today, I visited my girlfriend's apartment for the first time. I guess she forgot to do some spring cleaning before I showed up, because I saw my laptop on her couch. The same laptop that was stolen from my house along with several other valuables last week. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke the bed pretending to be a caterpillar. FML

Today, I'm attending a party where drunken women just can't seem to keep their clothes on. Those drunken women are my daughters. FML

Aujourd'hui, j'ai 20 ans et, pour rigoler, je suis allé devant une crèche et j'ai crié : "LE PÈRE NOËL N'EXISTE PAS !" Je me suis fait embarquer pour atteinte à la sensibilité de mineurs. VDM

Aujourd'hui, après des années de traitement et de thérapie, je suis passée de somnambule à insomniaque. VDM

Selfie surprise

Aujourd'hui, en regardant les photos sur les iPad en présentation à la Fnac, j'ai découvert que ma copine me trompait. VDM