Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML
Today, I realised that my staff doesn't take me seriously. I walked in on my chef, who had just spent an hour and half carving a block of cheese to make cheddar goggles for himself. When I confronted him, he pulled up his t-shirt to reveal a cocktail sausage taped to his stomach. FML
Today, my looks alone made a girl cry. FML
Today, while attempting a DIY pest removal, one of our tenants lit a skunk on fire. FML
Today, I was crying because my cat died. My boyfriend cupped my face in his hands, looked me straight into the eyes and said, "I love seeing you cry." FML
Today, I woke up crying in the middle of a nightmare in which my boyfriend of 8 months shot me through the heart whilst laughing as I screamed, "I love you." After I told him about this, he took me into his arms as I cried, stroked my back, and said, "What kind of gun was it?" FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend saying, "I shall be the prince, and you shall be the princess," to his hamster. Once he saw me, he quickly turned to the hamster and said, "I have to go. The dragon is here." FML
Today, I found out there is such a thing as eyebrow dandruff, and that I have it. FML
Today, I found out that my family hides food from me. FML
Today, while driving through town, I was distracted by a pretty girl walking on the nearby pavement and accidentally rear-ended the car in front of me. Not only did the pretty girl witness the crash and give a statement, it turned out she was a very feminine man. FML
Today, I found out why I had been waking up feeling like crap for the past week. I found tufts of cat fur in my pillow case, and I am allergic to cats. My little brother thought I would get so sick, and he could have my XBox. FML
Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML
Today, I was bored so I got my little brother's toy spaceship and a teddy bear, went to my room and started flying them around, having dog fights, making explosion noises and humming epic orchestral music. My mom opened my bedroom door, showing our new hot female neighbour around the house. I'm 19. FML
Today, while on my honeymoon with my new wife, I tried to be romantic by installing a clapper to the lights in our room. As things progressed, the noise of our love making triggered the lights on and off repeatedly. She began to laugh and we ended up just calling it an early night. FML
Today, I have a new boss. She claims to be a professional Angry Birds player. FML
Today, I shat out a staple. FML
Today, my daughter turned Emo. FML
Today, I lied to my diary about getting laid. FML
Today, I shat a magnet. FML
Today, my parents got rid of our detachable shower head. Looks like I'm single again. FML
Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss. FML
Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML
Today, I noticed that my girlfriend has a deeper voice than I do. FML
Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML
Today, like every other day, my boss referred to my breasts as pillows he needs to nap on. FML
Today, it's "family fun night." We're pulling weeds. FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend wiping a booger off her finger and onto my lip. FML
Today, I finally met my daughter's boyfriend. He has a face tattoo. FML
Today, I'm going to be helping the love of my life pick out an engagement ring for my cousin. FML
Today, I got to drop off my boyfriend at his newest place of residence: jail. FML
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