Today, my mom got drunk and decided to unwrap all my Christmas gifts and throw them at the wall. Ho, ho, ho. FML
Today, I woke up and felt that my arm was sore. I got so drunk last night, I got an unprofessional tattoo of a penis. FML
Today, I texted my girlfriend that I'm going to 'lick my professor's ass' instead of 'kick' due to auto-correction on my phone. FML
Today, I panicked when I felt a hard bump on the side of my stomach. I thought I had appendicitis. Turns out it was my ab muscles. I've been overweight so long I didn't know what they felt like. FML
Today, I was working when an older lady came up to buy a coffee. Her son cried for a cup of whipped cream to snack on. She shook her head, silently telling me to say no. I said we were out. The mother took her drink and said, "I'm sorry honey, but the mean man said you couldn't have any." FML
Today, a white guy tried to teach me to use chopsticks properly. I'm Chinese and have been using them since I could eat. FML
Today, I bought a brand new huge leather recliner. After laying down and watching football for some time, I sit up and hear a loud shatter. My iPhone was crushed by the mechanics of the chair after it slipped out of my pocket. FML
Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend reached over and pinched my love handles and said "Where did this muffin top come from?". Then he sang "Do you know the muffin man?" to me. FML
Today, my drunk mother got into a fight with the lady at Krystal burger. Why? "Because the bitch said they aren't making special orders." FML
Today, after getting home from school, I realized I'd tucked my shirt into my underwear this morning. I'm fairly certain everyone got a good look at my lime green underwear. FML
Today, my 4-year-old niece told me she likes it when I'm around because I'm "squishy and smell like fried chicken all the time." FML
Today, I was hit on by an older man. I rolled my eyes at him and informed him I was 16, hoping that would get him to leave me alone. He shrugged and said, "We're both human." FML
Today, I hooked up with a guy who has a Facebook page for his cat. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth." FML
Today, I was taking a dump in a public restroom. Minding my own business, I heard somebody go into an adjacent stall. It was dead silent and I don't think he knew I was in there. I thought I heard him scratching his arm or something. I was wrong. He was jacking off. I had to listen to it all. FML
Today, my very drunk mother decided to run down the block naked, screaming at the top of her lungs, "She's trying to kill me!" as I followed behind her in my car, yelling for her to get in. FML
Today, I was shopping at Walmart when I ran into this stalker chick. She introduced me to her baby. He's named after me. FML
Today, I switched cell phone carriers and got the plan where you can call or text any five people for free. The employee asked for my five, I could only come up with one, my mom. FML
Today, my grandma sent me a Valentine's Day card. For years she's been hinting at me to lose weight. The card: a picture of cookies on the front and a gym membership inside. FML
Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML
Today, I went to a crowded Walmart with the hot new girl I'm dating. It was raining and we had to park far from the entrance. As soon as we got out of my car, she started sprinting to get out of the rain. I ran to catch up and slipped on a metal plate, and did a reverse Superman onto my ass. FML
Today, my neighbor's dog bit me, it was extremely painful. The gash in my leg was deep and bleeding like crazy. When I finally got into my house screaming in agonizing pain, my mother said "Quit bitching, walk it off and you'll be fine." My leg is purple now. FML
Today, my dad told me he's taking the whole family to Disney World, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML
Today, my friends thought it would be funny to rub Tabasco sauce on my household toilet paper. FML
Today, I went to the store to buy a new lego set, only to find there weren't any left in stock. I started crying before I could make it out of the store. Oh, and I'm eighteen. FML
Today, I made heart-shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML
Today, my three year old nephew was pointing at the TV screen and saying "Uncle, Uncle!" He thought it was me on the screen. It was Rosie O'Donnell. FML
Today, while playing poker, I lost a stack of money to somebody with the screen name "Poopface." FML
Today, I showed my fiancé the darling Tinkerbell hoodie I'd bought myself during the weekend. Instead of liking it as I'd hoped, he told me my childish wardrobe was embarrassing, and he wasn't going to be seen in public with me until I wore something different. FML
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He suddenly pulled away, goes, "OMNOMNOMNOM" then continued kissing me. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
