Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying, "Milk the penis… Miiiiilk the penis…" FML
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Suddenly, he grabbed my 'lower' lips and moved them in a talking motion, proclaiming that "the talking vagina declares war and wants to conquer the great penis." FML
Today, while driving on a totally deserted, long, straight road in the middle of the bush, I sneezed and drove right into a pole on the side of the road. It was the only pole for over 50 km. FML
Today, I was driving through my neighborhood when I heard a siren. I looked into my rear view mirror and saw a motorcycle, so I pulled over. The motorcycle drove by, and it turned out to be an old lady with a leather jacket. The siren was in a song on the radio. FML
Today, my boyfriend described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur.' FML
Today, I went to the library to pick up a copy of Romeo and Juliet for my English class. After looking around for half an hour, I asked the librarian. "I couldn't find Shakespeare anywhere. Where could I find him?" She quickly replied, "He's dead", giggled to herself, and went back to her work. FML
Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML
Today, my family had a secret meeting on my "puberty issues." I'm 21. FML
Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML
Today, two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. While I was wanking. FML
Today, I was cleaning one of my elderly patient's teeth. After finishing and reminding her to floss, I realised she had died. Supposedly she was dead for a good 20 minutes. FML
Today, I saw a homeless man on the corner, I thought I would be generous and give him some cash. I rolled down my window and waved my hand for him to come over. As he was walking over, he was struck by another car. FML
Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML
Today, while socializing after a church service, I discovered I'm still referred to as "Fireshit's brother", after an incident a year ago which involved my sister screaming "the devil is coming out of my anus!" from the lavatory. FML
Today, I was applying some Icy Hot to my sore thighs, when I accidentally got a little on my dime sacks. For the next hour, it felt like someone had lit a match under my plums. FML
Today, I was in a very crowded train coming home from work. I saw a cute guy sitting across from me. As I lifted my one leg to hook it over my other leg, I let out a loud fart. All I could do was sit there and wait for my stop. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the very first time in three years. Apparently, all it took was anal. FML
Today, while putting a drip in the back of an elderly patient's hand, he commented that he didn't realise doctors had pierced nipples, but not to worry because he's only in the hospital "for the b*tches". FML
Today, while lying in bed with my fiancé, we were talking about how we'd rather die, if given a choice. I said, "I want to die in my sleep next to you." His response? "It'd be sexier if you were on top of me with your face between my legs." Cute, honey. FML
Today, my grandmother drunk dialed me at midnight to wish me a happy new year. I was already in bed. My grandmother has a better social life than I do. FML
Today, I braved the winter weather conditions to get to a clinic for a prescription anti-diarrhea medication. When I arrived to find it closed, I turned around to walk to my car where I slipped on the ice. The impact made me simultaneously bruise my elbow and shit myself. FML
Today, my sister lost a leg. Immediately after hearing the news, my boyfriend started cracking jokes about getting her a job at IHOP. FML
Today, I watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts, thinking it was a parking space. FML
Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML
Today, I was robbed. They took my father's ashes. FML
Today, I'm a student vet. Part of my holiday work is to gain experience working at a dairy. A cow came on to the platform for me to inject her udder. As I was bent over, she decided to take a dump. Onto my left eyeball. FML
Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML
Today, my mom looked through my browser history and saw Chatroulette. She thought I'd gotten into online gambling, and wouldn't believe me when I explained what it really was. After I insisted on showing her, the first chat window to open contained cocks as far as the eye could see. FML
Today, I couldn't shut a drawer in my kitchen, because an oven mitt was blocking it. An oven mitt filled with tin-foil wrapped electronics. My Mom believes Internet hackers can get into her digital camera and prepaid cell phone, and apparently tin-foil will prevent that. FML
Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had sex. Her reason? Because she thinks she is so good in bed she was worried I'd hyperventilate due to all the excitement. Instead I fainted due to lack of oxygen after three minutes. FML
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