Miss 33 years-old Single
Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend gives out my number to guys who ask for hers. Let's just say that I'll never be able to unsee the pictures that were sent to me. FML
Today, at work, two teenage girls caused a huge scene and told me to get lost, after I asked if they needed any help. Their reasoning: they didn't want to be helped by "someone who doesn't have a thigh gap." FML
Today, I found out that I'm the creepy uncle of the family. FML
Today, I sat down with my daughter to have the sex talk, because she recently started seeing a guy. I mentioned at one point how disappointed I would be if she got pregnant. She went wide-eyed and asked, "Didn't mom tell you?" FML
Today, I asked a co-worker why he was wearing sandals, as they are not allowed under our strict dress code. He got extremely angry with me and stormed off. Ten minutes later, I got called into our boss' office. Apparently, he told her that I walked up to him and asked to suck his toes. FML
Today, my obsessive ex, who recently cut my phone line to stop me from talking to my boyfriend of three years, got a job at the same restaurant where both my boyfriend and I work. FML
Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked him what they were, he replied, "They're my balls! They make my winkie happy!" Now he won't quit singing it. FML
Today, I found out that even though my girlfriend of three years believes sex before marriage or even me just jacking off is a big no-no, doing online strip-shows for money is a big yes for her. Both times that I've proposed, she claimed she isn't "ready" for marriage. FML
Today, I finally brought a girl home from college. While I was making her some coffee, my roommate came down in her underwear, pretended to be my girlfriend, and asked if we were having a threesome. My date left before I could explain, and my roommate thinks it's fucking hilarious. FML
Today, some girl's mom gave me a load of abuse for endangering her daughter's health. How? By deleting my Facebook account, which caused her to have a serious panic attack. Apparently she thought we were best friends, and that I was ditching her. I'm confused too. FML
Today, after a long silent and awkward pause after asking my girlfriend's dad if I can take her on holiday for Christmas, he looked me dead in the eyes and said "No, you may not impregnate my daughter." FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML
Today, I was supposed to start my vacation in Italy. I guess not everyone heard that I canceled it due to health problems, because this morning I caught two of my "friends" unplugging my TV after breaking into my house. FML
Today, it's been so long since I heard from him, I had to look at my boyfriend's Facebook page to see if we're still in a relationship. FML
Today, my brother got his very first paycheck and blew it all on weed and a godawful tattoo, whereas I have been saving steadily for three years. Yet according to mum and dad, I'm the one who is irresponsible with money, because if I was being responsible I'd have enough for my own house by now. FML
Today, a tailgating idiot rear-ended me at a red light, then had the balls to say it was my fault for "driving too close" to his car. FML
Today, I now need to include in my prerequisites for a potential date, "Must not pull a knife out on one of my guy friends for hugging me." I'm so done with online dating. FML
Today, my boyfriend had the choice of A) living alone gaming, or B) moving in with me, gaming in his own man-cave, lots of sex, and lots of pizza. He chose choice A. FML
Today, I figured out why my 'best friend' hasn't talked to me in weeks. She assumed an FML post she read was about her. It was posted in 2009. I met her last year. FML
Today, after countless nights spent together and flirty texts, I decided ask my crush on a date while at a party. We went on a walk and held hands. Just as I asked him, he said no, let go of my hand and briskly walked away. He was my ride home. FML
Today, my mother informed me that she sold my dog to pay off some bills. FML
Today, I overheard my parents talking about my husband. Apparently, they think he's a nice guy and all, but they don't really see him as "husband material." They think I would have been better off with my ex, who doesn't have a job and hurt me both physically and mentally. FML
Today, my boyfriend, who is rather large, picked me up to give me a hug, and some over-eager security guard actually pointed his taser at him and told him to put me down. So he put me down and tried to ask what he'd done wrong. The bastard tased him for acting aggressively. FML
Today, my friend and I were having a casual discussion about sex. Blowjobs came up and my friend said she'd never dared to give one, arguing that swallowing sperm can make you pregnant. I then had to go on with a 30 minute argument with her on how that's not possible. She's 26. FML
Today, my mother refused to buy a cat because my sister is allergic to them. She bought a rabbit instead. I'm allergic to rabbits. FML
Today, my boss fired three of the four other people who were going to work with me on Black Friday in my department. Now it's just me and a new hire. My boss doesn't see a problem. FML
Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. When I came home, I realised he must have married my roommate. FML
Today, my stepmom asked me to bake pies for a dinner party she was having. Since I love baking, I said yes. When I went to deliver the pies, I found out they were for a family dinner I wasn't invited to. FML
Today, I was waiting at a traffic light. I saw my neighbour and her new boyfriend crossing the road, then noticed as he started grabbing his crotch, but thought nothing of it. They both then pulled down their pants and urinated in the middle of the busy intersection. FML
Today, I let my estranged husband move back in with my son and me. Later, his pregnant and underage girlfriend knocked on my door, crying about how her mom kicked her out. I'm such a pushover, they're in my bed and I'm on the couch. FML
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