West Covina, United States 34 years-old Single
Today, while working at Home Depot, a customer tried to engage me in a conversation about which gardening tool would "hypothetically" be the best to kill his wife with. FML
Today, a customer asked me how long our 6-inch sandwich was. FML
Today, I woke to my drunk mother trying to vacuum the lawn. FML
Today, I got called "un-American" when I said I didn't care about Kim and Kayne's wedding. FML
Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a zit. FML
Today, I had to go to the police station after my son got arrested for shoplifting 15 packs of gum. He got away with it at first, but got busted when he tried to return it all because he "didn't like the flavor". FML
Today, my psycho neighbor finished building a cannon. An honest-to-god, on-wheels, could-be-on-a-pirate-ship cannon. And now he's testing it in the forest by my house. I'm pretty scared for my life, to be honest. FML
Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML
Today, my 8-year-old son microwaved his pet hamster. FML
Today, while working in a call center at a university, someone threatened to report me to the President of the University because "I" wouldn't accept their daughter who had a 1.5 GPA and "got accepted into Harvard". I don't even make the decisions, I just answer calls. FML
Today, while ringing up a girl, I asked for an ID to verify her credit card. She said she forgot it but pulls out her Facebook on her phone to show me it really is hers. FML
Today, I found out that my son has been trying to save enough of his earwax to make a candle. FML
Today, my idiot son tried to get a veteran's discount at American Eagle because he's "a fifth prestige" on Call of Duty. FML
Today, I saw a customer at the restaurant I work at lovingly petting his cheeseburger and whispering sweet promises to it. FML
Today, to spice things up, my boyfriend suggested we wear disguises. Amused by the idea, I accepted. That's how I ended up having sex with Gandalf. FML
Today, it's the 16th day of my period. FML
Today, my boss slapped me across the face with a raw chicken breast. FML
Today, a guy took me out on a date. His imaginary friends joined us. FML
Today, it's been a few months since my grandfather passed away. Now all of his porn subscriptions are getting forwarded to my address. FML
Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML
Today, I was checking the family's computer history, and found that "Shrek Porn" had been searched multiple times. FML
Today, I'm faced with the prospect of having to defend my sister from a herd of very angry bronies. FML
Today, I had a dream that I was making pancakes. I need to get out more. FML
Today, my maths class and I had to sit through a slideshow of photos of our teacher's cat. The cat's name is Mr Cat. FML
Today, my dad tricked the local biker gang into believing he's actually part of the Russian mob. FML
Today, I got banned from my favourite online video game for calling a person on my team a "Baked Potato". FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "God" told her to. I guess "God" didn't have any problems with me buying dinner first. FML
Today, I was bitten by a therapy dog. FML
Today, my fiancé threatened to break up with me if our dog couldn't be the best man at our wedding. FML
Today, due to awkward circumstances, I am living with my ex-girlfriend and her new girlfriend. FML
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