Miss New York, USA 28 years-old
Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML
Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity filled. As she's drilling into my tooth, I feel the drill slip, and then she quickly stuffs gauze into my mouth. She nervously laughs and says to me "Wow! You must really be numb!" FML
Today, I was in line at a checkout. I have quite a few facial piercings and 1/2" gauges in my ears. The very heavy cashier asks how big my gauges are and then starts telling me about how she recently got her clitoris pierced and how sometimes she has orgasms behind the register. FML
Today, I ran into my parents' bedroom after I heard my name and what sounded like painful screams. When I opened the door, my parents were on top of each other, laughing hysterically. They needed me to find the key to the handcuffs. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought me a voice personalized build-a-bear. I thought he was going to propose to me through it, only to press the foot of the bear and hear "we should break up" instead. FML
Today, I was about to propose. I got on my knee in front of my girlfriend and opened the box. My friend thought it would be funny to replace the ring with a condom. FML
Today, I attached fifteen-pound weights to each foot so I could burn some extra calories while shoveling snow. My dad asked me to move one of the cars in the driveway. When I put my foot on the gas pedal, I couldn't take it off. I ended up hitting my sister and knocking her into a snow bank. FML
Today, at my job as a cake decorator in a bakery, I put the finishing touches on the wedding cake of the man who left me at the altar 3 years ago. FML
Today, it was our 6 month anniversary. My boyfriend didn’t get me a present or take me out to dinner. Instead he cried to me about how much he hates his life while he repeatedly punched himself in the face. Then he dropped me off to spend time with his mom. FML
Today, my 4 year old son thought it was funny to put money in the shredder. He stuck over 500 dollars in it. FML
Today, I discovered everyone at work refers to me as 'The Man-Lady'. I work in a supermarket's beauty department. FML
Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML
Today, I got locked inside my office again by my co-workers because they had forgotten I was still around when they left. This happens 1 or 2 times a week. FML
Today, I stopped to help a stranded motorist. I yelled out my window, "Hey do you need a hand?" The guy was just standing beside his car taking a piss. FML
Today, I got kicked off the train because I refused to stand for an old lady who wanted to sit down. There was an empty seat right next to me. FML
Today, I paid a repairman $65 to come to my house to fix my washer. He walked in, looked at the washer, bent over and removed a large steel bolt with a bright red tag sticking out the side that said, "Remove before use." He then looked at me and said, "All fixed." FML
Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate and his friends using my bass clarinet to smoke weed. FML
Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML
Today, I had to fire an employee because she constantly calls in, or is late to work. She became very emotional and I felt kind of bad, so I walked her out myself. We then got stuck in the company elevator. FML
Today, at work, I found a used condom in the fax machine. I'm the electrical maintenance repair for the company. I have to untangle it from the belts. FML
Today, I went to lunch with my sister. As the waitress was bringing our food, she dropped it on the floor. She apologized and brought us new food. After we finished eating and I looked at the bill, I noticed she'd charged us twice. FML
Today, I will be sleeping in my aunt and uncle's living room. It is 90 degrees. There is an air conditioner but if you turn it on, the raccoons living in the wall will get pissed off and try to claw through the wall. Only five more nights sweating my balls off or imagining racoons having angry sex. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a speech on me "not being manly enough". I started crying. FML
Today, I got pulled over for distracted driving. Not for cell phone use but for nose picking and inspecting. FML
Today, I walked in on my daughter trying to tan herself with her regular desk lamp. She won't believe that it wouldn't give her a tan. She's 16 years old. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML
Today, it was my first day as a police officer. A couple of hours into the shift, we got a call. A man was drunkenly jeering and urinating on parked cars. That man turned out to be my father. FML
Today, a guy who I hate commented on my Facebook profile picture that I "look like I've fallen off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." Sixty people liked this, including my boyfriend and my best friend. FML
Today, I was in class and really needed to pee. My teacher has chosen to replace our hall pass with a copy of War and Peace. She picks out a page for us to memorise on the shitter, and repeat by heart later. If we can't remember, we get locked out of class, and then get detention for being absent. FML
Today, I found out that I have testicular cancer for the second time in two years, and they may end up removing my last testicle. Knowing full well I was also born with an extra rib, the doctor at the consultation joked, "Hey, you'll be three quarters of the way to being a woman." FML
Today, a fly got stuck up my nose while I was giving a speech. FML
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