Miss Los Angeles, United States of America
Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML
Today, I enlisted for The Navy because my Boy Scout leader encouraged me. He fought in Korea and is a real inspiration. I asked him what motivated him to join The Navy. He said he was drunk and didn't remember joining until he was called up. FML
Today, I went out for dinner with my parents where they asked me if I was still dating my boyfriend so I answered no. They quickly responded by saying, "Oh so you finally got rid of that douchebag? It's not like he was getting anywhere in life anyways." I answered no because he's my fiancé now. FML
Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML
Today, after being turned away by nearly all the restaurants in the area, I tried applying at Burger King. They too turned me away. I have a Culinary School Degree. FML
Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML
Today, my girlfriend canceled our date I've been looking forward to all week because her dog was having puppies. She doesn't have a dog. FML
Today, the guy I've had a crush on came over to my house. My Dad came in to see how we we're doing, looks at me and says "Man... You've REALLY been puttin' on the pounds!", pokes me in the stomach a few times, and leaves. FML
Today, I went to the dentist to get a baby tooth which had decayed removed. After almost an hour, I came out with a numb mouth and a missing tooth for life. It was not a baby tooth. FML
Today, my best friend of 10 years told me she had slept with a man who had a girlfriend. I told her that it wasn't that bad. She then informed me that it was my boyfriend. FML
Today, I was working on my family genealogy. I found out that my best friend's great-grandfather murdered my great-grandfather. FML
Today, I went to school prepared to speak in front of a whole bunch of kids and talk about how great my middle school is. I spent an hour on the speech and took the 45 minute drive there. Turns out the coordinator of the school only called me in to pass out brochures. FML
Today, my boyfriend renamed all the contacts in my phone to see if I'd notice. Thanks to him, I've been sending dirty texts to my boss. The worst part is my boss was responding back. FML
Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I'm German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, my teacher laughed at the "irony." Something like this always happens whenever I tell people my background. FML
Today, my husband and I were diagnosed with herpes. We've been together for five years and were both virgins before. Even the doctor couldn't give any other explanation. FML
Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago, my four year-old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML
Today, I went bowling with my parents. This cute guy works there and he always flirts with me. My mom just so happened to see it today. As we left, she says to him, "You know she's 13, right?" I'm 17. FML
Today, my car was broken into, and they stole all my CDs, but left my daughter's Black Eyed Peas CD behind. I'm pretty pissed about the theft, but almost glad to see that the delinquents in my town have a decent taste in music. FML
Today, my mom threw out years worth of trophies that I'd put tons of effort into earning. Her reason? They all looked the same to her. FML
Today, my child-hating friend who vowed never to have any no matter what, announced that she's pregnant. I've had three IVF cycles, spent $90k in fertility treatments, and still can't conceive. FML
Today, it was my first day as a police officer. A couple of hours into the shift, we got a call. A man was drunkenly jeering and urinating on parked cars. That man turned out to be my father. FML
Today, as I was running from the cops I jumped behind a bush to hide. Turns out it was a massive thorn bush. I later had the most painful shower I have ever experienced. FML
Today, at my grandmother's funeral there was a fight about inheritance. It was my teenage daughters arguing about what they get when I die. FML
Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML
Today, I finally finished my summer assignments for three AP classes. My schedule also arrived. Turns out my school can't place me in any of them, and I just wasted the last four weeks of my summer. FML
Today, I found an enormous raccoon in my backyard. After a couple of nasty scratches, I finally managed to capture the filthy animal. After calling animal control to relocate it, I waited for hours to learn that "relocating" actually means releasing it into my front yard 10 feet away. FML
Today, at breakfast, my sister labelled me a "feminist." My whole family now refuses to talk to me for more than 30 seconds, and acts as though I have an incurable, highly contagious disease. FML
Today, I told my family that I wanted to change my last name to my future wife's. We want to have the same last name, and we chose hers because she is an only child, while I have three brothers. Half of my family is laughing and calling me "pussy whipped" while the other half won't speak to me. FML
Today, I had to create a perfect society in English class; the best society has their grade go up a full letter. After tons of preparation and thinking, I lost to an island made only of cheese. FML
Today, my brother paid the DJ $300 to ruin my wedding by playing the Imperial Death March as I walked down the aisle. FML
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