Today, my very quiet and sexually innocent boyfriend said, "I want to be inside you." I was so startled that all I could reply was, "Oh, thanks." FML
Today, my mother warned me that if I ever have anal sex I will die. I'm 28. FML
Today, I was on my period and I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend. I told him upfront and he responded simply, “I work in a butcher shop, I’m used to having blood everywhere.” FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend at his place, taking advantage of having the house to ourselves. Out of the blue, his mother, who already hates me, came in and caught us in the act. Now she hates me twice as much for desecrating her house. And she'll hate me triple when she finds out I'm pregnant. FML
Today, I went in for an STD test. The Q-tip broke off in my urethra. FML
Today, I bought a tail for my girlfriend to dress as a cat at a hen party. She put the box in her suitcase, then left to catch her plane. I checked my purchase history and realised it's a cat tail butt plug. Now she keeps ringing me, but I'm too chicken to answer the phone. FML
Today, I can finally say there’s no part of my body that hasn’t had a pimple show up. I found a zit on my clit. FML
Today, I managed to electrocute myself on a plug socket while I was showing a group of trainee electricians how not to electrocute themselves while rewiring a plug socket. FML
Today, I secretly turned off the internet to see what my kids would do. Barely 10 minutes later, I caught my oldest son masturbating to a photo of my sister in a bikini because, as he put it, "A man has needs and the internet's fucked." FML
Today, whilst driving, I had the sudden urge to vomit. As I pulled over I wound my window down, stuck my head out, and emptied my stomach. At least I would have if I had wound down the driver's window instead of the back window. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because of the redness and swelling of my penis, hoping that it was just a minor rash or allergic reaction. Nope! According to the doctor, who could barely stop herself from laughing, it's good old-fashioned friction burns. FML
Today, my creepy co-worker informed me that he was going to stick his "peeny-weeny" in my "teeny-vageeny". FML
Today, our toilet overflowed during the night. Over 50 gallons worth leaked through the floor and the ceiling to the room below. I am now covered in poop water. What a way to start the day. FML
Today, my husband and I finally had the house to ourselves, so we had unusually loud sex. Banging bed, yelling obscenities, super rowdy, etc. I then see my mother-in-law out the window. She had let herself in, dropped off a bag and apparently ran out. Thanksgiving is going to be weird. FML
Today, my boyfriend turned out to be a moron. Although he loves anal porn, he says gay sex is revolting. His reasoning? Because guys poop out of their buttholes. Apparently women don't. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate when she pulled me in close and whispered in my ear, "We're getting Chips Ahoy after this." I came. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral sex when he pulled away without warning. As I looked up at him to see what was wrong, he screamed "JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!" and shot his load in my eyes. FML
Today, while reading out loud in front of my entire class and teacher, I learned that I can't pronounce the word 'success'. It came out as 'sex', and when I tried to correct myself more slowly (multiple times), it came out 'sexsex'. FML
Today, my crush fell asleep on me on the bus. This would have been fantastic if I didn't immediately have an erection in her ear. FML
Today, after a hard day, I allowed myself a small solitary pleasure. As I was going at it, all of a sudden a little red dot appeared on my penis. A pimple? Nope. The laser that my neighbors were using to show me that I'd forgotten to close my curtains. FML
Today, while licking maple syrup off my wife during foreplay, I probably shouldn't have referred to her breasts as pancakes. FML
Today, when getting off the bus, the driver said he thought I was going to exit from the front. Without thinking, I responded, "Oh no, I'm more of a backdoor kinda girl!" FML
Today, while my husband and I were having sex, we were trying this strawberry flavored lube which had a very strong candy smell. My husband starts laughing mid-performance, looks me in the eye, and exclaims "F*CK THE RAINBOW, TASTE THE RAINBOW!" FML
Today, I received a text from the woman with whom my boyfriend and I recently had a threesome. After years of fantasizing, I finally experienced what it was like to be with another girl. Now we also get to experience what it's like to have gonorrhea. FML
Today, when I was done masturbating to the thought of my crush I noticed my phone was lit up. I turned it over and stared in horror as I saw a call connected to him. I had been loudly moaning his name. I guess I hit his speed dial when I was setting my phone down. He was definitely still on the line. FML
Today, while fingering my girlfriend in the dark, I tried to be sexy and licked my fingers. After we turned the lights back on, we realized that her period had come early. FML
Today, I had my first astounding orgasm, during which I simultaneously shat myself and vomited. I'm so thankful my new partner was present. FML
Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was awesome. When I said, "What do you mean?" he answered, "Come on Jess, I bet you can't stand straight." My name is Britney, but my friend's name is Jessica. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my phone rang. We continued to have sex while I took the call. It was my gyno calling to tell me that I tested positive for chlamydia and that I needed to tell my partner. Yeah, sex ended real quick. FML
Today, during a romantic shower with my girlfriend, I slipped, fell, and took the both the shower curtain and rod with me. My dignity hurts more than my butt. FML
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