Today, I realized that, after waiting until I was 29 to be in a serious relationship, I got with a guy that turned out to be exactly like my abusive piece of shit father. Why? Why God? FML
Today, I told my girlfriend about a huge fight I had with my female best friend. This friend no longer wants anything to do with me, and I was obviously upset about it. Instead of being supportive, all my girlfriend said was, "Well maybe now you'll shut the fuck up about her for once." FML
Today, after my husband read about mental load and about what he could do to help with mine, I came home to a clean house, the chores done, and dinner on the stove. I was more anxious and stressed than ever, thinking, "What did he fuck up that I'm gonna find and have to fix at the worst possible time?" FML
Today, it's been two weeks since my ex took me on a date and said honestly that he missed me and wanted to be with me. I said I was too busy, and he nodded, shrugged, and said OK. I haven't heard from him since and I can't stop thinking about him. FML
Today, a girl I like was taking her phone out of her pocket and two condoms fell out. Last week I'd tried hooking up with her and she'd said that she only has sex with a man who is her boyfriend. So I said, “Oh, new boyfriend, huh?” She said, “Nah it’s for hookups, gotta be prepared!” I guess she forgot she lied to me. FML
Today, the guy I’ve been seeing for a couple of months told me he’s now comfortable enough to let me meet his son. His two week-old son to be exact. Call me crazy but I think a pregnant ex is something a person should be told about. FML
Today, my neighbor knocked on my door and politely asked if I could keep my “crying baby” quiet at night. I live alone. I don’t even have a baby. I have a cat. A very dramatic, needy, attention-hungry cat who yelps when I close any door or leave her eyesight. FML
Today, I decided to start jogging again for the first time in months. I made it one block before tripping over the curb. I fell so hard, my phone flew out of my pocket and hit a parked car, setting off its alarm. I ran off when I saw house curtains all around me start to twitch. FML
Today, my coworkers surprised me with a birthday cake. It was really sweet, until I realized it was for another “Chris” who works in accounting. They only noticed after I blew out the candles. FML
Today, in a bustling store, a woman waved at me. I didn’t recognize her but waved back enthusiastically and approached her. She frowned and said, “I was waving at my daughter.” Her daughter was behind me. A store clerk saw the whole thing and said, “Happens a lot to lonely people.” FML
Today, I’m a recovering alcoholic. With the upcoming holiday, I have two choices; I can go over my family’s house who are all heavy drinkers and hope I don’t relapse, or I can stay home by myself and hope the crushing loneliness doesn’t drive me back to the bottle. FML
Today, I have a Twitter (currently X) account where I pretended to be a hot girl that has been active for years. I made good money off the account until the update came and showed that I'm from India. Now I have lost most of my active followers and must start over. FUCK YOU, ELON MUSK! FML
Today, my boss introduced a new hire and said, “You two will get along great.” I tried to make small talk, tripped over the recycling bin, and spilled paper everywhere. The new hire said, “So… is this, like, normal around here?” Unfortunately, yes. FML
Today, my dad decided that the opportunity to screw his new girlfriend in a church cemetery in daylight hours was more important than being on time to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. FML
Today, I got in the car with some friends, only to realize none of them were wearing seat belts. They heckled me until I took mine off, then the driver slammed on the brakes and I hit the dash. They'd all known it was coming and braced themselves. FML
Today, of all the things I have to be self-conscious about (my looks, my weight, my mental health…), I now have to be self-conscious of my breathing, because my brother says it’s “painful to listen to.” FML
Today, my husband is a normal man in his thirties with a receding hairline and a dad bod. So why am I insanely attracted to him and just want to always have sex with him or do things to him? I can't stop myself. I just turn on when I see him and start sucking his cock. He can't keep up and hates it. FML
Today, I reacted at a group text joke that had already moved on three hours earlier. Everyone had stopped responding. My “HAHAHA” sat there alone like a ghost. FML
Today, I accepted the fact that the weekend job I loved is not coming back. My friend and I made them 30K in a month. They said they’re restructuring but I think that's because it’s cheaper to hire their family and it’s been six weeks of radio silence. I miss the dogs. FML
Today, I went to the store with my mask on, as usual. As I walked past a guy, he reached out and tore the mask off my face, revealing my secret: a pacifier I use to control my horrible anxiety and agoraphobia. I froze, then collapsed to the ground screaming, and had a stress-triggered seizure. FML
Today, my parents happily announced that they're getting remarried. They divorced because of the strain brought on by me nearly dying in a car accident. So basically they put us through all that shit, including me blaming myself for everything, for nothing. FML
Today, my rich ex-husband died, and left our two children $100 each, while leaving his other children seven figures. He said in his will that it was his "revenge" for my infidelity. Now my kids won't talk to me. How cruel can you be, holding on to a grudge and punishing your own blood for it? FML
Today, I was listening to music with headphones in my usually quiet class. At one point I really got into the song so I just quietly sang along because why not. Turns out by the end of the song I was singing at full volume, almost yelling, and my friend stopped me to say that. The entire back row was laughing. FML
Today, at our wedding, my wife screamed at her niece and made a big scene about her wearing a white dress. Her niece is four. FML
Today, in court, I got a kid out of a prison sentence because I genuinely believed he was innocent. He and his mom were so happy, he even hugged me afterwards. It took me a minute to realise he'd pick-pocketed my keys and stole my car. FML
Today, I'm stuck in a nightmare where one of my young twins is fixated on spending as much time with her sibling as possible, while the other one is a complete introvert who wants her sister to leave her alone as much as possible. Either way, someone is upset and crying, mostly me. FML
Today, my boyfriend learned about my filthy fetishes in the worst way possible. He found me naked in the bathroom, licking the dirty toilet seat. I couldn't even make an excuse. FML
Today, I realized being a passport bro cost me my life’s savings and $40k credit card debt. I married a beautiful petite Thai girl molded out of my dreams, only for her to tell me six years later that she’s leaving me for her husband in Thailand. She’s a US Citizen now (thanks to me), and is now gonna sponsor him. FML
Today, my whole family was so excited about watching the Artemis II launch and scolded me for not mustering more enthusiasm. Great, we can go to space now… so anytime someone talks about real issues like climate change or racism, we'll hear, "Well just go to space then" or "Space will solve our problems." FML
Today, I was supposed to spend Easter with my grandparents, but my mom's new husband is a paranoid, overprotective asshole who wouldn't let me because he "doesn't know them." What's even worse is that my mom decided to agree with him just to keep the fucking peace. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
