Gym Motivation

Today, my sister tackled me by the leg in a game of frisbee. I now know the unique sensation of a knee dislocating. It is not a beautiful one. FML

Out of it

Higher standards

Toxic parents

By "Audrey Harmon" - 20/4/2017 16:00

4306

255

Today, my friends thought it'd be funny to hold lighters under the smoke alarms while I was sleeping. FML

By desertpunk75 - 19/1/2011 03:40 - United States

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3149

Today, I tried to open the research paper I've been working on for the past month, only to discover that the entire file is permanently lost and can't be recovered. This is not the first time this has happened to this paper. FML

By ScienceFail - 25/7/2010 19:31 - United States

29953

15882

Today, my husband and I decided to take a romantic trip to the beach. We got pulled over, and shortly thereafter he was arrested. Just so happens you can't miss child support payments for your twelve year old daughter without getting a warrant. He has a daughter? We've been married for 14 years. FML

By AreYouSerious - 27/8/2009 00:57 - United States

69631

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Today, I found out my dog is a felon. He broke into a neighbor's house by breaking in through the screen door. He also vandalized their property by shitting on their carpet. Our neighbors are now considering suing us. FML

By secretagentsam00 - 31/3/2020 23:00

Thug life

1506

454

Today, during a workplace safety exercise at work, I managed to cut off the tip of my thumb. FML

By thwack - 24/5/2012 18:26 - United States

21980

3962

Today, a cute girl came up to me with her boyfriend and said, "If you end up looking like him, it's over." FML

By nonexistant - 29/10/2010 04:33 - United States

30931

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Today, I moved in with an older gentleman renting out a room. Tonight, he had a domestic dispute with his girlfriend who threw a lawn chair at my car. FML

By Davios - 24/9/2009 04:34 - United States

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Today, my boss gave me a speech about my "motivation issues". I've been working for him for 2 months, the commissions I've made for him paid off his bills, so what are my motivation issues? I turned down his offer of a date. I have a boyfriend. He keeps asking. FML

By Leah - 24/6/2011 05:11 - United States

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2614

Today, I had to go to the dentist to have a cavity filled. Around halfway through the procedure, something broke the silence in the room. It was my dentist, who had farted. I had to smell his rancid flatulence for around the next five minutes. All the while, I had to keep my mouth wide open. FML

By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 19:48 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend gave herself a graduation gift: a new boyfriend. FML

By TheAngryBird - 28/6/2012 04:51 - Canada - Grimsby

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Today, my 5 year-old informed me she likes her "other mummy" more and wants to live with her instead. I need to have a long conversation with my husband. FML

By Xandriajoy10 - 4/1/2016 05:21 - Australia

31248

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Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML

By nevergonnatrust - 18/11/2010 09:23

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Today, we had a meeting at my job and we had to introduce new ideas to our boss. Earlier, I was talking to one of my close friends who also attended the meeting about my idea. As we start the meeting, she decides to steal my idea and take complete credit for it. My boss loves "her" idea. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2014 12:18 - United States - Brooklyn

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Today, I nervously flirted with a very cute guy. Being a little overweight, I rarely think cute guys will go for me. This line of thinking was yet again correct when he casually pulled his sleeve up revealing a tattoo of a pinup girl with a "NO FAT CHICKS" sign below it. FML

By nofatchicks - 12/5/2014 23:49 - United States - Tampa

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Today, I was on my way home from work and decided to stop at the grocery store. I purchased $200 in groceries and went to put them in my car. I then realized I drove my motorcycle today. FML

By whoops - 11/4/2009 20:43 - United States

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Today, the mosquito infestation is so bad that multiple mosquitoes sucked the blood out of the steak I was grilling and promptly died on top of it. FML

By swervelol - 20/8/2017 23:15

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Today, I got a letter saying I was no longer a student at my college and my current work is void since I had ignored and refused to pay my tuition bill. Over the past month I've been deleting these pesky emails saying 'FINAL WARNING regarding payment' thinking it was more spam. They weren't. FML

By goddamnit - 14/3/2009 02:57 - United States

31211

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Today, I was swimming in a public pool, and I felt a tug on my swimming trunks. It was my grandma snorkeling. FML

By Nick - 5/6/2016 21:59

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Today, my boyfriend of seven months and I were looking at some pictures on his iPad. I saw a picture of a kid of about two years old that looked a little like him. I jokingly said, "What, is that your son?" Imagine my surprise when he said that it was. FML

By confusedbutloved - 8/7/2012 12:42 - United States - North Easton

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Today, my bank overdrafted my account to pay a bill that isn't due until next month. When I called them, they said they would fix the mistake, but I have to restore the account to zero before they'll give me my money back. So, I have to pay for my own money with the money they won't give me. FML

By WTF - 30/10/2009 10:11 - United States

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Today, I volunteered to tend bar at a friend's charity event. I was called incompetent and had a drink thrown at me for stirring a martini instead of shaking "like they do in James Bond". I've been tending bar for 30 years and have never had a drink thrown at me before. FML

By SomeGuyInNY - 16/12/2017 09:00 - United States - Poughkeepsie

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311

Today, my boyfriend keeps trying to convince me that the hickey on his neck was from his friend attacking him with a vacuum cleaner. FML

By anonymous - 4/10/2017 20:51

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411

Today, I am Catfishing a guy on Twitter. I didn't mean to start it, I had an account I use to vent with and I used a pic with a cute girl. He sent me a DM that he liked my pic. He wants to talk on the phone. We have fallen for each other. He thinks, I am 18. I am a 39 year old single mother of 3 kids. FML

By PureFallPain - 23/11/2019 20:00

He may be disappointed

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4868

Today, I went to get a facial. I forgot my contact case so I put them into paper cup. My beautician thought it was leftover water from someone else, and threw my only pair of vision aid away. I scuttled home half blind. FML

By blinded - 11/2/2011 16:14 - United States

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Today, I got married. My new husband wanted to carry me over the threshold of our apartment, but he couldn't pick me up. FML

By Official_Person - 2/6/2010 21:31 - United States

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Today, I got a new comfy duvet and pillow and was looking forward to a good night's sleep. I got into bed and was followed by my dog, who then threw up the tub of butter he had just stolen from the kitchen onto my brand new bed spread. FML

By jonboy - 9/5/2009 20:11 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML

By lonely - 25/7/2009 11:13 - United States

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Today, I tried to treat a cut on my butt hole with Neosporin. I couldn't see it properly, so I had to use the front-facing camera on my phone. FML

By 11niko - 2/2/2012 04:57 - United States

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Today, we've had some auditors with us and I chat with some of them during the day. It's Friday so I asked one of them until what time they were working. It was late and I loudly exclaimed, "That's so late! Your bosses have no hearts!" The auditor then points to their table where the boss is sitting. Glaring. FML

By Rants - 1/5/2019 16:00

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Today, my ex-boyfriend admitted the reason he broke up with me was because he cheated and felt awful about it. The girl is now pregnant, but he swears it isn't his. Guess we'll find out in a few months if my daughter has a sibling. FML

By loko0909 - 4/1/2016 04:57 - United States - Cincinnati

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Today, my mom picked me up from school due to me being sick. Afterwards, she took a detour to the DMV, and I waited in the car. I ended up vomiting everywhere, clothes included, and had to sit in the car for three hours while the taste and smells lingered. FML

By justmyluck - 12/2/2010 19:34 - United States

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Today, my house was broken into. The cop that came turned out to be a guy I fought over a girl with in high school. He sneered and said that everything appeared to be in order, and that I probably ransacked my own house. FML

By doblex - 20/12/2012 11:19 - United States

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Today, I told the guy I liked about my crush on him. He said he would keep me in mind if he ever hits rock bottom. FML

By hannahisacooler - 16/7/2013 23:41 - United States - Chino Hills

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3808

Today, I took my kids to the circus. We were having fun, right up until the point they saw an old man dressed as a clown, at which point they screamed, grabbed onto my shorts, and managed to accidentally pull them down. FML

By SheaLili - 7/8/2011 17:14 - United States

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Today, I got into a car accident with my boss, and he asked if I could come to work the next day. I'm in the hospital and he knows it. FML

By stupidboss - 31/3/2016 03:23 - United States - Bellingham

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Today, my boss became very angry over her own mistake on a spreadsheet. She lashed out by throwing a can of SpaghettiOs at my head. FML

By Liz - 11/8/2011 02:21 - United States

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Today, in my karate dojo, I was being taught how to fall properly. My sensei instructed us not to fall with our hands out because it could sprain our wrists. As I was getting ready to help demonstrate a backwards break fall, I actually fell over. Guess where my hands went. FML

By xJade2012x - 24/11/2011 07:58 - United States

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Today, I missed a phone interview for a job at Telstra because Telstra's phone network was down. FML

By fucktelstra - 17/3/2016 11:42 - Australia - Adelaide

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